an annoying spree, of sorts
by XxBetweentheLightandDarkness
Summary: Deidara's wacky attempts at annoying people. Sometimes it's fun, other times, well, it just isn't. M - language, slight sexual humor, hints of Pein(Nagato)/Konan, complete. Pre-Timeskip.
1. ways to annoy the weasel

2,963 words. Don't own anything.

...

**an annoying spree, of sorts**  
Chapter One – ways to annoy the weasel

...

_I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.  
__**- Fred Allen**_

...

Deidara was bored. He was very bored. The Akatsuki just were not what he had expected when he joined. He thought he would have got a bad-ass place/base/whatever and does bad-ass stuff and all that crap. But no… He had to wait for three years. Three years! What do these being think he is some sort of obeying robot? He hoped not.

He was forced into this organization and really didn't want be like a dog to them, not that he was a dog to anything else, per se, he just didn't want to be a dog to the organization . . . or any other organization trying to take over the world, for that matter. After all, Deidara was horrible at listening to instructions, so he thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And thought.

"Yes, I could do something like that!" he exclaimed. "No, that won't work."

"Or something like! . . .No, that won't work either. . ."

"Or something like. . . No Leader-sama would kill me straight away. . . But… No, I do _not_ need paper cuts from Konan, how about. . . No, won't work either. . ."

Deidara was annoyed (ironic, isn't it?), whenever he thought about anything, the idea would have to be demolished since he would end up dead, somehow or the other and he loved his life (apart from all that angsty stuff and all), thank you very much.

So, he plopped himself down on his bed and thought (again).

And thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And finally after much time thinking it over came up with this amazing idea that had never been done before, he was going to make a list!

And not just any list either, this list would be called…: '_100 Ways to Annoy the Akatsuki!' (Or 'an annoying spree, of sorts'.)  
_

The plan was ingenious, OK, so maybe he would be killed in the process of staring this new career (it could make money if he videotaped it, thank you very much), but it would sure as hell be worth it, maybe . . . sort of. . .

Deidara shook his head; no he had to start this list straight away before he lost all motivation on it, and so he got to starting on this amazing list.

After three hours (it needed time to think them up!), three ball point pens later, he got started, with Itachi first of course, he hated that Uchiha bastard.

...

_1. Ask Itachi why he killed his clan._

"So Itachi..." Deidara started, sitting down on the sofa, next to Itachi, but not too close to catch that disease that was called Uchiha-ism.

He got no reply, which was really annoying, but whatever.

"I was wondering why you killed your clan..."

He got no reply, again, which was even more annoying than the last time.

Deidara grit his teeth, this wasn't working. (Well, what was your first clue?)

"Look Itachi, if you don't tell me, I'm going to tell everyone you watch porn," Deidara said as he looked at his most hated rival.

"If you dare..." The threat was left hanging, as Itachi finally turned to face and acknowledge him, and, man, did that face look stoic and scary at the same time. But, then again, Itachi's face always looked scary, so he couldn't really expect much.

Deidara's eyes widened, "You actually watch porn? Oh God, my mind has been corrupted," he said, mock pretending to puke and hold his head as if he was in incredible pain, which he most likely was, this was Itachi, after all.

"So you didn't know...?" Itachi asked the blond terrorist, narrowing his eyes again, face stoic as ever.

"No of course not," Deidara said as he looked disgusted at his rival, "I can't believe I have you as a rival, you're a disgrace."

Itachi's eyes narrowed dangerously, but Deidara didn't move. "If you dare tell anybody. . ." His threat wasn't continued.

"OK, OK, I won't tell. . . So, anyway, why'd you kill your clan . . .?"

Needless to say, Deidara would not be doing that anytime soon, if he didn't want to live through endless torture going on inside his head due to those horrible ugly eyes that had nothing on his pair of sky blue ones, obviously.

...

_2. Also ask him why he never killed his younger brother that day._

"So Itachi, I was wondering the other day," Deidara started, standing next to Itachi, but, of course, not too close to catch that horrible disease known as Uchiha-ism, "why you didn't kill your brother when you-"

"I don't have a brother."

"Yes you do."

"No I do not."

"Yes, you do, I saw him the other day, mumbling about how he didn't have enough hatred!"

Itachi looked unemotional as ever, "Good, his hate is coming along nicely."

"You just said that you didn't have a brother," Deidara deadpanned, raising his eyebrows sky high, the same color as his beautiful eyes which were much better looking than those ugly sharingan.

"I don't have one."

"But you just said that-"

"I. Do. Not. Have. One," Itachi said emphasizing every word.

Deidara gulped, "But you just-" he shut up when Itachi gave his a full on sharingan glare, which looked ugly, by the way. He wondered if Itachi had even considered getting blue contact lenses. But Deidara didn't want that. Imagine having the same colored eyes as a Uchiha. Absolute nonsense!

Silence. Then-

"Hey, I was wondering, why didn't you kill your brother-"

Deidara never finished his question as he fell to the floor unconscious.

Itachi started at Deidara's unconscious body, before getting up, staring at it once again, and then walking away. This had nothing to do with him of course. So, if Pein ever asked, then this was all because of Kisame, obviously, Itachi could not have anything to do with such stupid nonsense when he had much better things to do. Such as looking at how much hatred his brother had gained.

...

_3. Poke him. . . A lot._

It was actually really fun. Itachi would make out to be unaffected but once you do it a number of times, he would start twitching and glare.

That didn't stop Deidara from having his fun, of course. This whole thing was about having fun after all! And everyone be damned, Deidara was going to get his fun, even if the world was on fire (Itachi's fault, of course).

"Stop," Itachi commanded. He never said or asked, he commanded/demanded, and that pissed Deidara off to no end (again, ironic, isn't it?), though, this time, he was good at hiding it.

"But it's fun."

"Stop before I sharingan you."

Deidara being that idiot that he was once, he never was good at listening, carried on as if nothing was said.

"Stop."

Deidara continued poking, like his very livlihood wasn't on a loose thread and he wasn't near death, killed by his own rival, no less.

Itachi got up, kicked Deidara in the stomach and left as Deidara moaned clutching his stomach.

...

_4. Ask him or anybody else why his name means 'weasel'._

"You see Kisame-no-danna, I was wondering the other day why Itachi was named 'weasel'," Deidara said to Kisame, totally ignoring Itachi who was sitting on a very comfy sofa on the other side of the room.

"I don't know," Kisame replied, trying to cane his next enough to see what was going on in his favorite movie (_Finding Nemo_), but since this stupid idiot was here, that was even harder to do.

"But why don't you know? You _are_ his partner," Deidara said, apparently annoyed that Kisame didn't know what he wanted to be able to know and annoy Itachi with later on.

"Go ask him yourself." Trying to see the TV was being much, much harder now, all because of a bastard with dirty blond hair and sky blue eyes, a pleasure for any kind of art, and goes by the name of 'Deidara'.

"His parents must have been drunk at the time. They must have been-"

Deidara fell to the ground unconscious... again.

...

_5. Ask about the lines on his face, say that you know why: it's because of Insomnia (somehow) and lecture him on a goods nights rest._

It was a wonderful morning, Itachi thought as he was about to put a dango in his mouth. (Dango was nice, very nice. And whoever crossed dango would never see the light of day.) All of a sudden, the bane of his existence showed up: Deidara.

"Hey, Itachi I was wondering-"

"Wondering what?" he asked, putting down his dango next to the table next to him, and faced to look at Deidara's face.

Deidara rolled his eyes as if Itachi was something to laugh at, "If you let me continue, you'll find out, so I was wondering-"

"Will it be something that makes me what to magekyou you?"

"No. Shut up and let me continue: so I was wondering the other day why you have those lines on your face!" he exclaimed loudly pointing at the lines of Itachi's face (you know, those lines?).

"Why do you want to know?"

"I knew it! It's because of Insomnia, isn't it?" Deidara said, hitting himself over the head for being so stupid as not to figure it out.

"No-" He was, of course, interrupted, because the world hated him, didn't you know?

"Itachi, it's not good to not sleep."

"Will you let me-" He was interrupted once again, because Kami, obviously, seemed to favor that bastard (aka Deidara) over him, he had no idea why, though. Honestly, what was so appealing about Deidara when he had everything he had and much, much more?

"If you don't sleep then you could do something very weird which you may end up regretting."

"Can you shut-"

"Look, Itachi, I should know it happened to me before. Insomnia is highly bad for your health, seriously. I'm not kidding here. It's mostly due to horrible childhoods; did you have a horrible childhood?"

Itachi was gritting his teeth in annoyance, "No. Let me speak!-"

"Itachi!"

Itachi shut up, albeit, reluctantly. This guy looked like he was ready to blow up the whole world.

"You are a disgrace to all those kids that want to sleep; I am very ashamed of you," Deidara said, shaking his head.

Deidara walked off leaving a fuming (and annoyed) Itachi behind.

...

_6. Congratulate him about his non-existent daughter. When he asks, run._

"Itachi I am so glad for you!" Deidara exclaimed loudly as Itachi and the other member of the Akatsuki crowded around.

"About what?-" Itachi tried to ask, but he was, obviously cut off.

"I still cannot believe it when _she _told me," Deidara said, he then winked at Itachi who looked unemotionally confused. Unemotional because . . . hello? This is _Itachi_ we're speaking about here. And confused because . . .,well, he was confused. Duh, don't you know _anything_?

"What in God's name-"

"I still cannot believe that you of all people can actually have _it_," Deidara said, wiggling his eyes, suggestively.

"What?-"

"Look Itachi there's no use in saying you don't have a daughter, because your wife insists you do and that she's pregnant, so you better go to her right now, Uchiha."

". . . What are you talking about?"

But he got no reply as Deidara was gone from his view while the rest of the members congratulated him for his 'daughter'.

...

_7. Say to him that he is weak and this is the reason: "You are weak. Why are you weak? Because you lack . . . LOVE!"_

"Itachi you are weak!" Deidara screamed on particular morning as he woke up, pointing his fingers at the ceiling, which definitely wasn't Itachi, but, seriously, who gives a damn?

He went to Itachi's room and pointed a finger at him, "You are weak!" because life was silly like that. Letting someone like Deidara be born was bound to kill a few brain cells from everyone.

Itachi looked at him like he was crazy, "Wha-"

"Why are you weak?" he asked and looked at Itachi so he can say the answer. It wasn't really a question, he (Deidara) was waiting for Itachi to give him clarification so he could answer his own question for Itachi, because they guy was silly. (Not that Itachi would give him clarification, anyway.)

"I really don't want to know, just go away and leave-" _me alone. . ._ where the words he didn't get to say because - because Deidara was allowed to _not_ be mute, thus killing a few lost puppies everywhere.

"Because you lack . . . LOVE!"

Needless to say Itachi had never been more freaked out at how Deidara was wearing a 'I love Everything' t-shirt that was pink, no, seriously. Itachi didn't need to know that it was because Deidara wanted to annoy him.

...

_8. Stare at Itachi for a really long time, when he asks you why, look at him like he's crazy, after a long time say: "Wouldn't you like you know?"_

Itachi was reading his favorite book, on his favorite couch, in his favorite room, on his favorite day. Because he did shit like that. He red his book, on his favorite couch, in his favorite room, on his favorite room. And it was cool because this was Itachi and he was cool like that.

It would have been his favorite day today as well (Saturday) if that idiot known as Deidara wasn't in the same room. At if that wasn't bad enough (apart from having no dangos), that stupid blond was staring at him.

When he couldn't take no more, he put down his book, "Stop staring at me," he said.

"I wasn't staring at you," Deidara replied, drawling out the words, bored as hell.

"Yes, you-"

"What? You think you're so amazing and everything?" he asked, raising both his eyebrows in (mock) astonishment.

"Yes, but-"

"I wasn't staring at you."

"Why were you-?"

"I wasn't," Deidara clarified, starting at Itachi, being the damn hypocrite that he was.

"Why were you staring at me?" Itachi asked, not once listening to a word Deidara had been saying.

He got no answer so he went back to his favorite book, on his favorite couch, in his favorite room, on his (not today) favorite day.

He once once again distracted, "Uchiha?"

"What, you little piece of-" _shit._

"Wouldn't _you_ like to know?" _Why I was staring at you?_

_..._

_9. Look at something for a long time and when Itachi is there, point at it and say: "You lack Uchiha-awesomeness! You lack Uchiha-style!" It will freak Itachi out, trust me._

Deidara was staring and a . . . pineapple. Yes, I know, a pineapple. But honestly, how could you not stare at a pineapple with its sharp green tuft thing and the . . . bottom bit?

He was staring at it for a really long time, which was stupid, but it was much more convincing for whatever he was about to do, which was annoy Itachi with, once again, another of his brilliant plans.

Then Itachi came in, carrying dangos and eating them. (What else would (and could) you do with dangos, anyway? Throw them at someone or something?)

Deidara pointed at the pineapple all of a sudden, freaking the hell out of Itachi who had only come in the kitchen to get a class of water. "YOU LACK UCHIHA-AWESOMENESS! YOU LACK UCHIHA-STYLE! YOU DESERVE TO DIE!"

Then he charged at the pineapple.

Needless to say Itachi was very freaked out as he watched Deidara fight with the pineapple, literally.

So, he did what any insane person would do: he left the room . . . at once.

...

_10. Proclaim to be a member of the Uchiha clan that Itachi did not kill due to a insane reason which will forever remain unknown._

"Itachi!"

Itachi stopped in his tracks (to his room) and faced (slowly) the bane of his existence.

"What do you-?" He was, unfortunately cut off by the bane of his existence because the world hated him, didn't you know?

"I'M AN UCHIHA!" Deidara shouted from the top of his lungs, waving his arms in the air and looking like a lunatic that was let out from some school for lunatics, which didn't say much, they were in a evil organazation trying to take over the world, after all.

"No, you are no-"

"YES! I AM, HOW COULD YOU FORGET ME, SANOUSKE!"

"I don't know anybody named-"

Deidara started fake crying, "HOW COULD YOU FORGET YOUR COUSIN AND YOUR BEST FRIEND?! HOW?!"

"Look, Deidara-"

"I AM NOT DEIDARA . . . WHOEVER THAT IS!"

"Yes, you are-"

"OH, ITACHI YOU HAVE LOST YOUR MEMORY, HAVE YOU NOT?"

"No, I haven't-"

"HOW COULD YOU FORGET ME?! HOW, ITACHI, BEST FRIEND AND COUSIN I AM TO YOU?!" Which sounded old-fashioned and stupid, but, Itachi, due to the fact that the world hated him and didn't want him to have any say anything, didn't get to say that aloud. Which was also stupid, by the way.

"I don't know-"

"ITACHI!"

"I killed all of the Uchiha clan and you are Deidara-"

"ITACHI, HOW COULD YOU FORGOT?!"

Itachi gave up, this time tomorrow he was going to leave this place, once and for all. No, screw that, he was going to leave at once, so he began to race to his room to pack.

Deidara smirked as he turned around; smiling like the world was blowing up in a endless of flashes, shining brightly in the sky. He grinned, a job well done, indeed. He patted himself on that back, congratulating himself.

...

Reviews are nice. Review please!


	2. ways to annoy the puppet

3,014 words. Don't own anything.

...

**an annoying spree, of sorts**  
Chapter Two – ways to annoy the puppet

...

_1. Replace all his puppets with Barbie and Ken dolls._

Sasori was having a wonderful day, just amazing, absolutely divine.

That was until her entered his workplace and found none of his puppets!

Oh, the horror!

And what was worse, that in those puppets places were these Barbie and Ken dolls!

And Sasori knew exactly who did this monstrosity...

"DEIDARA!"

Deidara was having a really good day actually after he successfully congratulated himself on his win over Itachi (the Uchiha didn't leave though, Leader-sama would have killed him), so he was in a grouchy state and did NOT need someone who thinks art was eternal to shout his name, no he did not!

Sasori stormed in on his when he was eating popcorn and watching a sappy romantic tragedy and pointed at him.

"YOU!"

Deidara feigned surprise, "Me?" he asked innocently, yeah right.

Sasori picked up one of the Barbie dolls and pushed it towards Deidara who was currently trying to see through Sasori and see that sappy romantic tragedy he liked so much, no it wasn't Romeo and Juliet, but something like that.

"Sasori, you old fart! Move out of my way!"

"Not until you explain to me why you did this!"

"I didn't do nothing!"

"Anything."

"Huh?"

"Not nothing, anything."

"What?"

Sasori sighed, this was so annoying, "You don't say nothing when you said: 'I didn't do nothing!', you say anything, otherwise it's a double negative."

"What is wrong with you? Talking about double negatives and whatnot?"

"Nothing is wrong with me. You have something wrong with yourself."

"Sasori move out of the way! This is the juicy bit!" Deidara shouted gesturing to the movie.

Sasori turned around and came in contact with two people snogging their faces out of each other.

He turned towards Deidara in irritation, sighing, "There are special places for people like you, Deidara. Special places," he said shaking his head.

Deidara looked towards him with a bunch of popcorn in his mouth, "Huh?" as Sasori started moving away out of the room, annoyed for a different reason all together.

...

_2. Make him watch Pinocchio, cry throughout and then ask if he wants to be a real boy._

"Let go, you stupid child!"

"No! You have to watch the movie I choose, it's my turn!"

"If it's some romantic sappy tragedy, then I will kill you . . . slowly and painfully."

"Of course not," Deidara said as he smiled.

Silence. Deidara was pulling Sasori to go watch a movie because apparently it was his turn (the Akastuki didn't even have turns, so no clue where he got that from), to pick a movie of his choice and watch it with his Akatsuki partner.

When the movie came on the screen when they went to Deidara's room, Sasori saw that it was Pinocchio.

The movie was turned on.

Deidara started crying and proclaiming about how emotional and sad it was!

He kept on crying.

And crying.

Sasori gritted his teeth.

Deidara still kept on crying.

The movie finished.

Deidara stopped crying.

Oh, the coincidence.

Sasori was breathing in and out trying very hard to not kill his teammate (it was very hard, indeed). "What was that all about?! Are you trying to make me deaf?!"

"No."

"Then why?-"

"Hey, Sasori?"

"What, you retarded?-"

"Wouldn't _you_ like to be a real boy?"

...

_3. Make him wait like a really long time. Because Sasori hates waiting, no?_

Both Deidara and Sasori were on a mission due to no one else wanting to go on this particular mission.

This particular mission was . . . babysitting.

And since Deidara was a human who still had his actual body intact he just had to go to the loo.

But that wasn't what was annoying him, it was the fact that that idiot was there for a hour! A flipping hour!

What was that brat doing in there? Actually, considering the answers that could come up, Sasori _really_ didn't want to know.

After a full half an hour of having his wood scratched out by these stupid children was when Sasori couldn't take it anymore.

This stupid job was more suited for that stupid little brat.

It was when Sasori was finally going to move out of his chair that Deidara came out of the bathroom looking rather wet, "Hey, there Sasori-no-danna, want you up to?"

Sasori's eyes twitched, what was wrong with this baboon? "What took you so long? You know, I don't like waiting."

"Oh? I had a shower."

Sasori's eyes twitched again, "And a shower took an hour and a half?"

Deidara shrugged, "No, not really."

"Then why?-"

But Deidara was already walking down the corridor towards the kitchen, "I'm going to make something for me to eat, OK?"

"No, you have to look after these-"

"Good, I'll be back, then!"

...

_4. Steal his puppets again, when he asks where you have hidden them, tell him that a fully grown man should not be playing with dolls._

It was a brilliant day for the puppet master, he was walking down the corridor making his way to his room while humming (how he could even hum was beyond humanity's understanding).

He opened his door to his work shop and made his way to where he kept his puppets where he found them to not be there.

Oh, the horror! ...Again.

And once again he knew exactly who did this, instead of calling the stupid brats names, he instead made his way to the one who thinks art is fleeting's room and shouted: "DEIDARA!"

Deidara feel off from the place on the sofa where he was watching a trashy romance tragedy... again.

"You did this again! What is wrong with you?!"

Deidara sighed, like he was expecting this (which he probably was) and said, "Sasori-no-danna? I really didn't want to say this but..."

"What you stupid?-"

"A grown man like you really shouldn't be playing with dolls, it is highly childish, yeah."

Sasori feel to the floor, anime style, while Deidara kept on watching his trashy romance tragedy.

...

_4. Steal his puppets again, when he asks where you have hidden them, tell him that a fully grown man should not be playing with dolls._

It was a brilliant day for the puppet master, he was walking down the corridor making his way to his room while humming (how he could even hum was beyond humanity's understanding).

He opened his door to his work shop and made his way to where he kept his puppets where he found them to not be there.

Oh, the horror! ...Again.

And once again he knew exactly who did this, instead of calling the stupid brats names, he instead made his way to the one who thinks art is fleeting's room and shouted: "DEIDARA!"

Deidara feel off from the place on the sofa where he was watching a trashy romance tragedy... again.

"You did this again! What is wrong with you?!"

Deidara sighed, like he was expecting this (which he probably was) and said, "Sasori-no-danna? I really didn't want to say this but..."

"What you stupid?-"

"A grown man like you really shouldn't be playing with dolls, it is highly childish, yeah."

Sasori feel to the floor, anime style, while Deidara kept on watching his trashy romance tragedy.

...

_5. Mistake him for Gaara and make the rest of the Akatsuki members hunt him down._

"Oh no!"

"What is it that is so important that you have to wake me up?" Sasori asked as he rubbed his eyes from lack of sleep, how he even slept was a miracle in its self as he was a puppet.

"It's you!"

"What are you?-"

"I can't believe you're here, I thought I killed you!"

"What? What are you?-"

"You're that bloody Kazekage named Gaara!"

"No, I'm not-"

"Yes! You are! You thought you could outsmart me, huh? Well you thought wrong, I will defeat you... again!"

"Deidara-"

"As much as I love how you know my name, I will defeat you! And finally reign victorious! MUHAHAHAHAHAH! If you're wondering where I got this evil laugh from, it's from that Tobi character that has mood swings-"

"Deidara-"

Deidara in turn pointed a finger to him, "You bloody interrupted me, you idiot! I shall kill you... No, you are not waste my time, I shall tell the other members and you shall die... I wonder where Sasori-no-danna went..."

"I'm right here, you-"

Deidara gasped, "How dare you try to impersonate Sasori-no-danna! You look nothing like him, yeah!"

_I must look like him, if this baboon thinks that _I'm_ him_, thought Sasori as his left eye twitched, what did he do to deserve this? But before he could even get an word out of his puppet mouth, the other members had heard all the commotion and wanted to see what was going on.

"What the fuck is going on, bitches?" said Hidan as he made his way over to them: Deidara and Sasori.

The other members nodded their heads.

Deidara smirked slyly and pointed at Sasori, "Him! He's that bloody Kazekage! Kill him."

Sasori thought that they wouldn't but fortunately (yes, not unfortunately), Deidara had the power to control minds and therefore the other members walked up to him and attacked.

He was defenseless!

They knew all his weak spots!

God dammit, they knew all!

It was when his wood was revealed that Deidara laughed shyly (fake) and the other members looked at him as he pointed at his Danna, "Oops, thats Sasori... hehehe..."

...

_6. Say that the number 78 doesn't exist. Use the most outrageous reason._

"The number 78 does not exist, Sasori-no-danna!"

Sasori at the time was reading a very old book that was tattered and word for the reason that he wanted to look normal, "What are you talking about brat?" Really, Sasori was not having more of Deidara's shit.

Deidara in turn rolled his eyes, "I said that the number 78 doesn't exist!"

"Of course it does-"

Deidara wagged his finger in front of Sasori's face as his other hand was on his hip, "Na-uh, no, it doesn't!"

"Yes, it does-"

"Sasori, of course the number doesn't exist!"

Sasori gritted his teeth, "Then how do you know of the number 78?"

"Because I happen to be amazing!"

"Then how comes I happen to know of the number 78?"

"Because aliens educated you and everyone knows that aliens happen to be awesome!"

"What is wrong with you? Aliens? Seriously?"

"Look, Sasori, everyone knows that the number doesn't exist because trees exist."

"So?"

Deidara rolled his eyes, "So if the number 78 existed than that would mean that trees didn't exist and because trees wouldn't exist, that would mean that there was no such thing as oxygen, therefore we would all be dead!"

"But trees do exist-"

"Yes! And that means that the number 78 doesn't exist, otherwise we would all be dead as trees wouldn't exist and we wouldn't have any oxygen. But we are still alive!"

Sasori shook his head, his eye twitched and he sighed, "I really don't know anymore. . ."

...

_7. Ask him if he's Gaara's older brother._

"Sasori, I was wondering..."

"WAIT!"

"Huh, what?"

"Will whatever you're wondering about will be to want to kill me?"

"Um... No?"

"Then speak."

"Well... are you-"

"WAIT!"

"WHAT?!"

Sasori rolled his eyes, "No need to die over it. If this makes me kill you, it will not be my fault, OK?"

This time Deidara rolled his eyes, "Like you could ever kill me."

Sasori's eyes twitched, "Really now? And you think you can beat?"

"Of course, I happen to be much more good-looking, much more younger, not a old man like you and no. Being a doll does not help-"

"I. Am. Not. A. Doll," Sasori gritted out from his teeth.

Deidara rolled his eyes, "Yeah, yeah whatever. Anyway, I was wondering if you were Gaara's older brother."

"No-"

"Are you sure? You look a lot like him."

"No I don't-"

"Sasori don't deny the truth, you really do look a lot like him."

"How do you even know the Kazekage's first name?"

"After we got over the fact that we nearly killed each other, we became good friends."

Sasori once again gritted his teeth, "You became friends with the enemy?"

"Yeah."

Silence. Then-

"Hey, Sasori?"

"Hmm?"

"You really look a lot like the Kazekage, so are you sure you not his bro-"

Deidara feel to the floor as poison seeped to his bones. Oh, the tragedy. "But that's not what Chiyo-baasama told me..." and then he fainted into unconsciousness. The tragedy.

...

_8. Ask if he has a . . . um . . . males private part. When he says he does, say that he shouldn't lie otherwise his nose will get longer like Pinocchio's._

"Sasori, do you have a male's private, yeah?" Deidara asked one very fine day.

"A what?" Sasori answered on that very fine day.

"Do you have a penis, yeah?" Deidara asked again on that very fine day.

Sasori rolled his eyes, "Of course I do-"

"Sasori-no-danna, you shouldn't lie, yeah."

"I'm not lieing-"

"Yes, you are, since you're a doll and doll-"

"I'm not a doll," Sasori said through gritted teeth.

"Idiot! Sasori-no-BAKA! You interrupted me! Slap yourself. You deserve to die but after I get you to answer my question, of course!"

"Me? Deserve to die? It's you that-"

"Look. Just answer the question."

"I did and I said that I did have one-"

"Look Sasori-no-baka, yeah. If you continue to lie, your nose is going to be longer than Pinocchio's."

And with that Deidara went on with his day (this very fine one) and left Sasori wondering what he had done to deserve this.

...

_9. Start calling him a Sand man and say that his parents came back five minutes after he left Suna._

"You, sand man."

"What-"

"You are such a sand man..."

"No, I'm not-"

"You look like such a sand man... oh, oh, oh."

"Why are you singing for-?"

"You oh, oh, oh, sand man, oh, oh, oh."

"Deidara, I swear to Kami, if you-"

"Sand man! Sand man! You are such a, oh, oh, oh, sand man... oh, oh, oh!"

That was it, this was the last straw, this kid was really pushing the limit, "Deidara, be quite!"

"Sasori shut up! You are such a, oh, oh, oh, sand man! And your parents came back right after you left!"

That caught his attention, "What?"

"When you left Suna, you were such a sand man! And your parents came back right after you left Suna! You are such a, oh, oh, oh, sand man!"

"Deidara, just talk. No singing."

"You, sand man... oh, oh, oh. You are so unlucky as your parents came back right after you left and that is why you are such a, oh, oh, oh, sand man!"

Sasori's eyes twitched, "You're lying to me while you're singing? Man that is so low."

"You, sand man, oh, oh, oh... oooh, when did you learn slang, _man_? You are such a sand man, oh, oh, oh, since your parents came back right after you left and that is the reason why you're such a, oh, oh, oooh, sand man...!"

"DEIDARA! SHUT UP!"

"No way! You are such a, oh, oh, oh sand man and you deserve to die, Sasori-no-BAKA! For interrupting me, yeah, yeah, yeah..."

Sasori's eyes twitched, "How do you even know about my parents?"

"Chiyo-baasama told me! And you are such a sand man, oh, oh, oh!"

"How do you know Chiyo-baasama and why are you calling her -baasama anyway?"

"Because you are such a, oh, oh, oh, sand man! And she told me to call her that!"

"When did you even meet her?" Sasori was losing his patience, not that he had much to start off with.

"When I went to go have some bonding time with Gaara and since Gaara's your younger brother, we went and talked to Chiyo-baasama and she told me to say hi to you and to call her -baasama. You are such a, oh, oh, oh, sand man!"

Really? But anyway, that was all, Sasori needed to know and he ran for cover from Deidara's stupid sand man song.

"You are such a, oh, oh, oh sand man!"

He really needed to kill that blonde terrorist before he died from Deidara's singing, but not before he found cover, yeah, he needed to find cover.

...

_10. Say that art is fleeting and give a reason why art cannot be eternal. ::wink::  
_

It was a lovely day and by lovely Sasori meant that Deidara wasn't there to annoy him... yet, because everyone knows that Deidara had this weird way of always knowing where somebody was...

"Sasori-no-danna!"

...And here he came now.

"Art is fleeting!"

"ETERNAL!"

"FLEETING!"

"ETERNAL!"

"Art is fleeting because fleeting sounds much better than eternal!"

"No, it doesn't! Eternal sounds better than fleeting, hands down!"

"Why should I put my hands down?!"

"Because I said so!"

"Go die in a whole!"

"I can't since I'm eternal!"

"No, you're not, you're going to be killed my Chiyo-baasama one day!"

"...How do you even know these types of things?"

"I can tell the future, but anyway! I have a reason why art cannot be eternal!"

"Oh, yeah!?"

"Oh, yeah!"

"Then do tell!" Sasori screamed from the top of his lungs because he really wanted to know.

"Because. . ." Deidara said slyly when he went behind Sasori and got a chair to sit down in, "If art was eternal that would mean Hidan was art!"

And with that Sasori fell off the chair as Deidara snickered, "Good thing I didn't tell him about Kakuzu either . . . hehehe. . ."

Needless to say, Sasori's stomach was churning when he was thinking about Hidan being art as he was immortal and immortality is sort of like eternalness . . . and once again Deidara literally gave himself a pat on the back as he congratulated himself.

Another job well done.

...

Reviews are nice. Review please!


	3. ways to annoy the masochist

3,017 words. Don't own anything.

...

**an annoying spree, of sorts**  
Chapter Three – ways to annoy the masochist

...

_1. Tell him that his religion is prohibited in the Akatsuki hideout._

It was a magnificent day to go kill people, Hidan thought as he began to walk away from the person he killed (cough the mailman cough... damn, the leader was going to kill him, oh well).

He was just about to get out of the sight of murder when the stupid blond came into the scene. _Jashin-sama, why?!_

"Hey, Hidan!" he shouted as if he couldn't see the dead body in front of him.

"What the fuck do you want, fucking blondie?" he whisper-shouted, trying hard to get through the stupid bloody idiot that dare called himself a flipping criminal.

"Jashianism is not allowed in the Akatsuki hideout," he stated as he wagged his finger in front of the Jashianist, "So why- God forbid- are you worshiping a thing that does not exist?"

_OK, that was the most fucking blunt thing he ever fucking said, the bitch, I should kill him. . . _"What the fuck do you want, bitch?"

Deidara sighed (as if Hidan was the most stupidest person to ever walk the planet), "Look, I'm going to tell the leader. . ."

_Jashin-sama, no! What if he tells the fucking leader-sama that I killed the fucking mailman, despite the fact that he was really fucking annoying and really needed to fucking die, the leader-sama would kill me, ugh, Jashin-sama, help?!_

"-that you worship Jashin (which we all know does _not_ exist, you sociopath)," he finished his statement as Hidan sighed in relief. _Thank, Jashin-sama! Hmm, I need to start fucking killing more fucking people for him._

"God dammit!-"

"Jashin-sama!"

"-Are you even listening to me?!" Deidara exclaimed rather loudly. "You. Are. Not. Allowed. To. Worship. Jashin. In. The. Akatsuki. Hideout! God, don't you ever listen?! Now, if you don't mind I have to be on my merry way!" and with that he walked off leaving a fuming Hidan behind. _What in fuck's name was that all about?_

He was just about to go when he heard a voice: "HIDAN! HOW DARE YOU KILL THE MAILMAN! HOW I'M I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT ALL THE LATEST THINGS NOW!?"

Oh, no! The leader-sama was going to kill him . . . and this was all that blond's fault, he would die the next time Hidan saw him, no, really.

...

_2. Wake him up early in the morning and tell him that's it's time for his ritual, like, really early in the morning._

Hidan was dreaming about fluffy white unicorns . . . dying and he was rather enjoying it, after all he was the one doing the killing, even if it was only a dream.

He was enjoying it that much, that he would kill the next person that dared wake him, even if that person happened to be Kakuzu. Why Kakuzu?Because Kakuzu is his work partner. You need a partner to go on missions. Missions equal killing/maiming more people for Jashin-sama. Ah, his life, how he loved it.

"HIDAN!" a voice shouted, very, _very_ loudly right in his ear. Right, that was it. This stupid blond will die today; Hidan didn't care if he was banished from the Akatsuki. (Apart from the whole killing and maiming thing, ah, he would miss that, well he could always kill even if he wasn't part of the Akatsuki).

"What, you senile old stupid_ bitch_!?"

Deidara entered the room and rose and eyebrow, "OK, no need to die on me."

"I swear to Jashin-sama, that if you fucking don't have a fucking good excuse, I will fucking kill you, bitch."

"Hidan," Deidara said, sighing, "it's time."

"Time for what, you fucking asshole?!" What? Hidan was having a really nice dream about killing unicorns! He deserved to be angry!

"It's time for your ritual!" Deidara sing-songed.

Hidan blinked, and blinked, and blinked again, and again. That was what the bitch came here for?! Oh, he was so dying, making the Hidan angry and annoyed. "Bitch. . ." Hidan started, "it's barely fucking dawn!"

Deidara nodded, "Yeah, I know."

Hidan's nostrils flared, "You woke me up before fucking dawn, you deserve to die, bitch!" And with that he charged at the blond, while Deidara laughed, and ran.

...

_3. Start yelling: "Argh! It's the grim reaper!" whenever he walks in the room._

It was a beautiful day in the Akatsuki hideout, just beautiful, divine, absolutely bliss! And on this very fine day Deidara was sitting on a sofa in the living room watching a trashy romantic tragedy like he always did.

He was totally engrossed in the film where much useless drama, tragedy and stuff happened, until... Hidan entered the room. (Hidan was bloody as well, because he had been doing what he usually did: killing people for Jashin-sama, of course).

Deidara took one look at him and fell to the floor screaming, "Argh! It's the grim reaper! The grim reaper! Help! Help me! I'm going to die!"

Hidan looked at him as if he was insane, "What the fucking hell, bitch? What's all the shouting about? I'm no fucking grim reaper!"

"Grim reaper! Grim reaper! Argh, the grim reaper! Save me, he's going to kill me!"

"You bitch! Shut the fuck up! Leader-sama is going to fucking kill _me_!"

Inwardly Deidara smirked at that statement, "SAVE ME! The grim reaper is here! He's going to kill me! I'm too young to die! Argh, the grim reaper!"

Hidan took a few steps towards our favorite blond terrorist, and shouted, "I fucking swear to Jashin-sama that if you fucking scream again-"

"ARGH, THE GRIM REAPER!"

"-I will kill you," Hidan finished off, before advancing on Deidara with his scythe.

Hidan was just about to knock some sense into Deidara the hard way when a voice shouted, "HIDAN! WHY DID YOU KILL THE MAILMAN AGAIN?! HOW I'M I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT TO KILL PEOPLE IN KONOHA NOW!?"

Hidan was screwed, the leader-sama was angry at him and that could only mean being killed a number of times. (Which only implied to Hidan and Kakuzu because they were apparently immortal). Deidara took this as a escape route, he walked right past Hidan and laughed when he saw the immortal's face.

Hidan turned to look at him, "WHAT'S SO FUNNY, BITCH?!" he said before saying something else, "RUN!"

And so Deidara did with a very angry (and annoyed) Hidan on his trail.

...

_4. Keep interrupting his rituals by giving tea and biscuits to his victims._

Deidara was humming like every insane person in the world, as he set up food for a specific person, well more like a few specific people, but, hey... I haven't got any good pun for that, well, whatever.

When he was finished (the tray included tea and biscuits as it was 'tea time', duh, what else?), he knocked on Hidan's door and waited for it to open.

Hidan opened the door and screamed at him, "I FUCKING SWEAR TO JASHIN-SAMA THAT I AM NOT FUCKING IN THE MOOD, BITCH! SO GO AND GET FUCKING LOST!"

Deidara completely ignored him and went inside to come face to face with three very terrified females and he smiled, _smiled_ at them, "Don't worry, I'm not like the asshole over there," he said pointing to Hidan who was seething, "I'm just insane on a different level, _lower_ level, of course... I'm still much stronger than the asshole though."

So Deidara sat down next to the poor victims and began to have a conversation about . . . stuff . . . and the weather, of course.

Many minutes later ("I _know_, right? The weather today seems so... grim today. Like the asshole over there that's going to blow soon. ...Ah, blowing a person up is _bliss_, isn't it?"), Hidan lost it.

"DEIDARA, IF YOU BLOODY FUCKING DON'T GET OUT OF MY ROOM THEN I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU, SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!"

"-And then I said that if he's going to go court someone who's twenty years younger than him, he might as well not reveal his age. But did Sasori-no-danna listen to me? Of course not!" Deidara exclaimed which made the three females next to him laugh because of his _charms_.

OK, Hidan was angry and quite frankly annoyed. (_Success!_).

Deidara was still being the idiot that he was, albeit a very lovable one and talking to three females like the world didn't matter, which it quite frankly did, and oh, did I mention that Hidan was annoyed...?

"Well, I got to go! my lovely ladies!" And with that Deidara left the room, still talking like the world didn't matter with three girls laughing beside him, or walking out of the room with him, which ever you prefer, while Hidan stood there, mouth agape, soon to hit the floor, indeed.

...

_5. Every time he asks you a question or says anything, reply with: "Your face."_

"Deidara, fucking move over, bitch, will you?" Hidan asked.

Deidara rose an eyebrow and replied with, "Your face."

Hidan's eyes twitched, "Deidara fucking move over," he said.

Deidara was still looking at him, "Your face."

Hidan was annoyed. Deidara was still raising his eyebrows. Hidan punched him. Deidara doubled over. Hidan walked away. And they all lived happily ever after... mostly.

...

"Deidara, pass me the fucking cereal," Hidan demanded, or commanded, whichever you prefer.

Deidara took the coco pops (yes, even with criminals that enjoy kill people, coco pops happen to be very popular, apparently), got a bowl and put them in, poured the milk and began to eat, before he said, "Your face."

Hidan's eyes twitched, again. _Something is very, very fucking wrong with this bitch. _"Give me the fucking cereal, bitch," Hidan once again commanded, or demanded, whichever you prefer, though I happen to prefer demanded, I dunno, sounds more demanding, yeah, that's it.

Deidara once again got up, took the coco pops. . . again, put them in his bowl. . . again, poured the milk. . . again, and began to eat. . . again. "Your face."

Hidan got up. Deidara was still eating his delicious coco pops. Hidan sighed. Deidara looked up. Hidan's nostrils flared. Deidara didn't see the attack come. Hidan got his scythe and hit our beloved terrorist on the back. Deidara fell to the floor unconscious.

Hidan got the coco pops, put them in his bowl, poured the milk, and began to eat. And they all lived happily ever after, ah, well... mostly.

...

_6. Whenever he talks about Jashin, refer to his so called God as the: 'the pansy-ass dude that needs other idiots to kill people for him'._

"But Jashin-sama would help us! We could kill all those Konoha pansies but we need to pray to Jashin-sama!"

Deidara looked up, "Hey, isn't that the pansy-ass dude that needs other idiots to kill people for him?"

Hidan shouted: "HOW DARE YOU FUCKING INSULT HIM, BITCH! HE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!" _Come on, Jashin-sama, any fucking day now._

(Anyway while Jashin does his stuff, let me tell you what the Akatsuki are doing at the moment. All of them have been called by Nagato/Pein, and are talking about ways to kill those 'Konoha pansies' as Hidan calls it).

"Ha! Ha!" Deidara pointed at Hidan, laughing like maniac on the loose (which he probably was), "He didn't kill me! Your pansy-ass God that needs other idiots to kill people for him didn't kill me! FAIL! FAIL!"

Hidan went up to him and hit Deidara on the head, "Shut it, bitch!" while the other members of the Akatsuki . . . just watched.

After a few minutes of hitting Deidara on the head for being the conceited little pig he was, Hidan huffed and sat down.

Pein/Nagato cleared his throat (in the _most_ elegant manner of course), "Well, we'll pray to the pansy-ass dude that needs other idiots to kill people for him to help us kill the Konoha pansies-"

"JASHIN-SAMA! HIS NAME IS JASHIN-SAMA!"

Nobody had seen Hidan this angry before. So Pein/Nagato did the most sane thing and pushed him against the all with his super-ass powers, while the other members of the Akatsuki watched, in silence.

Deidara snickered.

...

_7. Invite a psychiatrist over for a checkup. Tell him that Hidan won't stop cutting himself._

"-so he's locked in his room, and blood stains are seen when you go to give him tea...?"

Deidara nodded his head, "Oh, absolutely, I'm very concerned about his health," he said, and then in a whispered voice, "And just between me and you, I think it's because he cuts himself, yeah."

The psychiatrist's eyes widened in disbelief, "I cannot belive it, I will go check on him straight away." With that the man went towards Hidan's room while Deidara tried hard not to laugh. _Man, he's going to get himself killed, yeah._

...

Deidara was standing outside Hidan's room and snickering. And why was he snickering? Well if you really must know:

"So how was your childhood. . .?"

". . ."

". . .What do you do in your spare time. . .?"

". . ."

". . .Have you ever had a girlfriend. . .?" _What does that have to do with anything? _Deidara thought.

". . ."

"Er, right, what are your hobbies?"

". . .Killing people." Well, at least they were getting somewhere.

The next time the psychiatrist spoke, his voice sounded a little off, ". . .Your goals. . .?"

"Killing loads of people for Jashin-sama."

"Oh. . . you mean the pansy-ass dude that needs other idiots to kill people for him?-"

The voice was never heard again.

...

"OK, WHOEVER GOT THAT FUCKING MAN TO COME INTO THE FUCKING HIDEOUT WILL DIE! WHO WAS IT, BITCHES?!"

Deidara raised him hand. (They were in another of the leader-sama's meetings, can I hear yawns?).

"WHY, YOU BLOODY FUCKING BICTH?!"

Deidara shrugged. "We needed some laughs around here, it's so depressing!"

"THAT DID MEAN YOU HAVE TO FUCKING GET ME A FUCKING MAN TO HELP ME WITH MY FUCKING PROBLEMS WHICH ARE NON-EXISTENT!"

Deidara snickered, "Non-existent, my ass."

Deidara fell to the floor by a (very) annoyed Hidan.

...

_8. Stare at him for a really long time. When he asks, ask him why he's so . . . grim. . ._

Deidara was staring at Hidan.

Hidan in turn was reading (well trying to read, yeah, he read), a book called: 'A hundred ways to kill people very, very fast without getting so . . . bloody. . .'

Deidara was still staring at Hidan trying to figure out something very, very important to every insane psychopath.

Hidan looked up, "Look, bitch, what in Jashin-sama's name do you want?!"

Deidara continued on his staring.

Hidan huffed and looked down, trying very hard to get through the stupid book thing so he could go kill some people for his beloved God 'cough' Deidara 'cough'.

Deidara was still staring at Hidan, while the said person refused to let himself get annoyed, to no avail.

"Look, blondie, what in fuck's name do you want?!" Hey, it was Hidan after all, he could get very angry often.

"Hidan. . ."

"WHAT?!"

". . . I'm not staring at you."

Hidan's eyes twitched uncontrollably, something was very, very wrong with this bitch, so he got back to dreaming about killing people . . . and reading about it, of course!

Deidara continued on staring.

"Look, bitch, I fucking swear to Jashin-sama!-"

"Hidan, why are you so . . . grim. . .?"

Hidan fell to the floor anime-style.

...

_9. Make BEEBing noises whenever he swears._

Hidan was story telling or in larger words: telling Deidara his life story, which was very, very boring.

"-then I f-"

"BEEB!"

"-killed the boy for f-"

"BEEB!"

"-calling me so f-"

"BEEB!"

"-retarded, the f-"

"BEEB!"

"-idiot!" Hidan finished off saying with his mouth set in a thin line, annoyed at Deidara, "The next day at f-"

"BEEB!"

"-school, I hate f-"

"BEEB!"

"-school, those b-"

"BEEB!"

"-that like it are so f-"

"BEEB!"

"-retarded, I don't f-"

"BEEB!"

"-know how they could f-"

"BEEB!"

"-like f-"

"BEEB!"

"-school, anyway, the next f-"

"BEEB!"

Hidan's eyes twitched, he was going to kill somebody soon, "-day, I so that f-"

"BEEB!"

_Just finish the story, finish the story_, Hidan thought, "-boy that f-"

"BEEB!"

Deidara fell to the floor unconscious . . . again.

...

The next day, when Itachi and Sasori saw Hidan in his room singing about how lovely it was to 'kill' Deidara, and Deidara unconscious on the floor, they left the scene immediately, always wondering why Deidara was even allowed to be an Akatsuki.

...

_10. Replace his scythe with a stick when he goes for a shower._

It was a lovely day to go and annoy Hidan out of his wits, and so Deidara was going to do just that, though what he wanted to do was still bugging him, this was the last one from the 'annoy Hidan section' and he needed to make it amazing, and annoying, of course.

Turning his head, Deidara looked at Hidan's scythe and a light bulb thing when you think of something amazing lit up on top of his head.

Of course! Why hadn't he thought of it before? Hidan's scythe is like Hidan's baby! . . .Which is sort of disturbed if he thought about it, Deidara shrugged, oh well, whatever.

And now Hidan was in the shower!

_Perfect_ timing!

So Deidara went to the garden, looked at the bunch of sticks to his left, and right, and every other direction you can think of, and chose this really long one for Hidan's scythe replacement.

Going back inside, he took Hidan's non-living baby and put the stick thing in it's place. Deidara ran to his room, waiting to see the Jashinanist's reaction.

He heard the bathroom door open (you know, for a guy Hidan showers ever so slow), footsteps to the immortals room and a shout, "DEIDARA!"

Deidara snickered. Third person? Annoyed out of his wits, indeed.

...

Reviews are nice. Review please!


	4. ways to annoy the sharkman

3,682 words. Don't own anything.

...

**an annoying spree, of sorts**  
Chapter Four – ways to annoy the sharkman

...

_1. Whenever you see him, shout: "SHARK!" every single second._

Deidara was walking along the corridor, singing the jaws theme song and having a marvelous day, before he entered the living room and saw... Yes, ladies and gentlemen... a shark!

He screamed out of sheer terror of this (rather blue) shark, "SHARK!"

Kisame looked up from watching the romantic tragedy known as Romeo and Juliet (yes, the Akatsuki have gone so far down that they are watching such things now), and blinked, "What?!"

"SHARK!" Deidara screamed, once again, "SHARK! SHARK! SAVE ME! A SHARK! IT'S... A VERY... BLUE SHARK!"

"Deidara, it's me!-"

Deidara's eyes widened, "OH MY GOD, THE BLUE SHARK CAN TALK! HE... OR SHE (though I actually think it's a he, dunno, looks more male), CAN TALK! AND THE BLUE SHARK KNOWS MY NAME! I'M GOING TO DIE! SAVE ME!" Deidara screamed while Kisame tried (though failed) to shut him up. ... And he was really enjoying that romantic tragedy, as well...

"Deidara, shut up!"

Deidara glared at the 'blue shark', before exclaiming rather loudly, "SASORI-NO-DANNA, SAVE ME! IF YOU DON'T SAVE ME, THAT MEANS YOU KNOW THAT ART IS FLEETING! MUHAHAHAHA!" he shouted before whisper shouting to the 'blue shark', "I got that evil laugh from Tobi, you know, that guy with the lollipop face?"

Kisame sweat dropped, _Hidan is right, there is something very, very wrong with this guy, _he thought, "Yes, I know who that guy is, Deidara, he's-"

Deidara's eyes widened before he started running in circles, "SAVE ME! THE BLUE SHARK TALKED TO ME!"

Kisame was getting a headache, "Deidara's, it's me Kisame!-"

Deidara pointed a finger at him with fake tears running down his face, "You vile, little (though you look sort of big, little makes me sound more superior), monster! You ate Kisame-no-danna didn't you? Didn't you?!" he shouted, asking Kisame, before he started running in circles again, "SAVE ME! The blue monster/fish/shark thing is going to eat me too! SAVE ME!"

While he was doing this, Kisame's eyes twitched, _I really don't know anymore..._

_..._

_2. Feed him fish, but tell him it's chicken._

Deidara looked at Kisame for a really long time, before he got annoyed and smirked, going into the kitchen.

He once again started singing the jaws theme song, while cooking up something marvelous (Deidara was a very good cook, thank you very much), and going back into the sofa, starting to eat it very slowly in front of Kisame, very, _very_ slowly.

Kisame could NOT stand it anymore, the temptation was too much, so he got up, went next to Deidara and took the piece of food off of him.

"HEY!" shouted Deidara, though inwardly he was snickering, _hehehehehe... _That laugh also came from Tobi... if anybody's interested... No...? ... Right.

"Shut it, blondie!" Kisame shouted before scrunching up his face and saying, "What is this anyway?"

Deidara laughed, "It's chicken." He snickered after that, but Kisame being the blue shark that he was, didn't pay that any attention, his eyes were only the lovely piece of 'chicken'.

Kisame's eyes lit up, "Good, for a second there I thought this was... fish."

_Hook, line and sinker_, Deidara thought, before gasping, "Of course not, Kisame-no-danna! It is purely chicken."

And so Kisame began eating, and eating, and eating, and that was the moment Deidara couldn't hold it in anymore, he laughed aloud.

Kisame looked up to a holding-his-stomach-so-much-and-laughing-as-tears- fall-from-his-eyes Deidara and blinked like a idiot (or more like a very blue fish... ahem, correction: shark), still eating the 'chicken' like a madman on the run (which if you think about it, is sort of true), "What's so funny?!"

Deidara pointed a finger at him, "I can't believe you fell for it! You actually ate it!"

Kisame being the idiot that he was (like I have said, numerous of times, and it's getting sort of cliche, hmm...), didn't see anything wrong with the 'chicken' though he asked numerous of questions, "What? Is it out of date? Moldy? Ugly? Disgusting? Not... what... I think... it is...?"

Deidara stopped laughing, to say: "The last one."

Kisame's eyes widened before looking down at his lovely piece of 'chicken', "... So?"

"It's fish."

"OH GOD, NO!" Kisame shouted, as he ran out of the room, towards the bathroom, like a madman. Deidara snickered... like a madman.

...

_3. When he asks for something to eat, make him sushi._

"Deidara, go get me something to eat, will you," Kisame said, looking at Deidara, who was sitting next to him on the sofa (they were watching Romeo and Juliet... _again_).

Deidara glared at him, "Go get something yourself, it's getting to the juicy bit, you bloody fish," Deidara said, pointing to the screen (Romeo and Juliet).

Kisame in turn glared right back, before sighing, "Get. Me. Something. To. Eat. Terrorist," he said, emphasizing every word.

Deidara rolled his eyes in response, "'Kay, Kisame-no-danna, no need to die about it." And with that he went to the kitchen, Kisame should have known better than to let him go in there, but then again, he was only a blue fish, ahem, correction: blue shark, so, yeah.

So Deidara got cooking again, and what he made was amazing, mind you. Just... a little weird and ugly looking. But, hey, that didn't mean that it was going to taste ugly! It could very much taste nice, thank you very much!

So, yeah, anyway, here Deidara was, in the kitchen, cooking food for the one and only Kisame, who just happened to be a blue shark and happened to like eating his own kin (yeah... Deidara, keep dreaming).

Ahem, off topic, off topic, anyway, Deidara was cooking (I said that how many times, now...?), and he was cooking fish, well, it was more like sushi, but whatever, let's not get into the details.

Finishing up and getting out of the kitchen, Deidara placed the sushi on the table, sat down on the sofa and got back to watching Romeo and Juliet (who else is very, very disturbed that they're actually watching that...?), like he was waiting for the world to end, he very might well be, you never know. Though if the world did end, he would want it to end fleetingly, ah, the joys of his art.

Kisame looked up at him as his eyes twitched, "Deidara, I'm not stupid, I know what sushi looks like."

Deidara grinned, "I know."

Kisame's eyes twitched again uncontrollably, "Then... why for heaven sake did you bring it here."

Deidara's grin went wider, "For you to eat, of course."

"I don't eat fish. I do NOT eat my own kin."

Deidara sighed, "Ah... Thought so. What a waste, I really thought you were a cannibal as well."

Kisame's eyes twitched more, "Deidara... RUN."

Deidara laughed, then stopped when he heard no laughter besides himself, he blinked at Kisame, "You're not serious, are you?"

Kisame was the one to grin this time, "Very."

Deidara got up, fast, and ran for his life... like a madman, with a madman hot on his trail, known as the blue fish, correction: shark... ahem, let's do that again, shall we? A madman known as Kisame, yeah, Kisame... weird name.

...

_4. Ask him if he's feeling, well... blue, when he's actually really, really sad._

Kisame was very sad (understatement of the bloody century), he was so sad that he looked himself to his room for eternity, well, not exactly eternity, but, hey, that's going into details, and I do NOT ever go into details. Sad, isn't it?

Well, anyway, back to Kisame, he was sad. Why? Well, you see, earlier on the day, Deidara had come into his room when he was meditating (yeah, he meditated, took away a lot of stress), and proclaimed that Itachi was dead.

Itachi was his Akatsuki partner!

His teammate!

The stupid man couldn't be dead!

Now Kisame wasn't one to trust Deidara, but the teenager had such a serious face on and seemed to be happy, so yeah, he believed him. Most people would be upset or feel something akin to sadness at Itachi's death, but, oh no, Deidara wasn't most people. He was a terrorist, a serial killer! (And no, that has nothing to do with coco pops... or any other kind of cereal), for heaven sake! ... And the fact was: he hated Itachi... a LOT.

So if the damn blond had a happy look on, he must be telling the truth... right? Ugh, whatever, Kisame was too busy emo-ing to think; though of course he was doing that right now, but no, that thinking did NOT count, of course.

Kisame was brought back to the real world (the damn stupid, real world, which hated him so damn much...), when there was a knock on his door. He didn't get up, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?! HUH?! I'M VERY UPSET HERE!"

Deidara entered the room. DUN DUN DUUUUN! "No need to die, Kisame-no-danna." (Well, that wasn't very dramatic). Deidara went over and patted Kisame on the head, hard, while said person winced, "... Kisame, why are you so blue?"

Kisame exploded (well, not exactly, though if Kisame DID happen to explode one day, Deidara would be rather happy that he was fleeting), "WHY DO YOU THINK I'M SO BLUE?! HUH?! ITACHI'S DEAD! WHAT I'M I SUPPOSED TO DO KNOW?! HUH?!"

Deidara blinked, "Kisame, I was asking about your skin color," he deadpanned.

Kisame still went on exploding (Deidara wondered if exploding took so long), "HOW COULD YOU NOT BE SAD THAT ITACHI IS DEAD?! HUH?!"

Deidara was about to say something when someone else entered the room. YES! You guessed it! Itachi! "What is with all the noise, I just got back from my mission."

Kisame blinked, and blinked, and blinked, and blinked some more, "But, Deidara said, that you-you..."

Deidara smirked, "I lied, Kisame-no-danna, I thought you knew me better, I never tell the truth... mostly."

Kisame twitched, and then sighed, "RUN!" He got his Samehada, and started running after Deidara with it, while said person laughed, before running away.

At the same time, Itachi was wondering what the hell had happened when he was away.

...

_5. Point at his sword proclaiming it to be a tampon. When he shouts at you, wag your finger and still call it a tampon._

Deidara started at it, and realized that it was sort of ugly, yeah, it was somewhat good for fighting, yeah, but seriously, it really was horribly ugly, and it looked like a -YES!- you guessed it, a... tampon.

By his side, Kisame was sitting at his side watching West Side Story (a spin-off of Romeo and Juliet, but, hey, it was a romance, and a tragedy, so yeah, a win-win!), and Deidara just had to ruin his fun, "Kisame, your sword looks like a tampon."

Kisame looked up from the romantic tragedy and narrowed his eyes like a fish, "No, it doesn't."

Deidara shook his head, "Yeah, it does. Kisame, don't lie to yourself."

Kisame twitched, "Deidara, I swear to Kami, that if you dare tell me again that my Samehada looks like a tampon, I will permanently cut off both your hands with it."

Deidara laughed, "Kisame, don't kid yourself, it's a tampon, a really massive one."

"No, it's not." Kisame tried to look calm, and collected, total fail.

"Yes, it is." Deidara was still staring at Samehada like it had grown a second head.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"YESSSSS!" Deidara shouted, doing the Tarzan thing, ah, how he loved the Tarzan thing.

Kisame's ears were nearly killed, "Deidara, no need to make me deaf," he said, holding his hands up to his ears.

Deidara wagged his finger, "Kisame, it's a tampon, a very big one," he said, while pointing at Samehada, which was situated at the edge of the wall.

Kisame sighed, annoyed, but he really didn't have the energy anymore to actually argue with the stupid kid that dared call himself a Akatsuki (_who's stupid idea was it to recruit him, anyway?!_), "Fine, you win, Deidara."

In turn, said guy flashed him a grin, gave him the thumps up and began walking out of the room, singing the jaws theme song, Kisame sighed, how he hated his life.

...

_6. Yell: "Kisame, I choose you!" while throwing Poke balls at him._

_DEIDARA IS A BITCH!_ Kisame screamed in his head! The stupid guy just really liked getting him annoyed, didn't he?!

He still couldn't believe what had happened the night before, ugh, how he wanted to kill that stupid blond bitch... as Hidan so kindly put it.

"Kisame, I choose you!" a voice screamed right next to his ear, when he was sleeping, the god damn bastard! What was worse was the fact that so many balls, were jabbing him on the side, ugh, how he hated his poor dog-ish life. (Yeah, he just went there, ladies and gentlemen! He used the word 'dog' as a adjective! ...Shit, the worlds ending).

Kisame got up, fast, and screamed bloody murder, "Deidara, what in heaven's sake do you flipping want! I was sleeping, you bloody idiot!"

Deidara rose a eyebrow, "God, Kisame, no need to die about it." ...And then he started throwing poke balls at him... again.

"Deidara, what exactly where you doing?" he said that very, very slowly, so such a stupid being could understand.

Deidara rolled his eyes, "God, Kisame, are you blind as well as deaf? Honestly, what did it look like I was doing? Singing? Of course not! I was throwing poke balls at you, fish!"

Kisame's eyes twitched, "Yes, I know what you were doing, Deidara. What I want to know was why?"

Deidara again rolled his eyes, "Kisame, you sure are stupid, what kind of pokemon are you?!"

"I'm no pokemon."

"Yes, you are!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, MOTHER FUCKERS, I'M TRYING TO GET SOME FUCKING SLEEP HERE!" Hidan, (oh, so rudely) interrupted.

"HAH!" Deidara shouted, pointing at Kisame, "I SAID 'YES!' LAST, SO THAT MUST MEAN THAT I WIN! MUHAHAHAHA!" And with that Deidara went on with his life, leaving Kisame to wonder why such a guy was ever allowed to join the Akatsuki. Leader-sama must have been drunk at the time.

...

_7. Stick a leach on him and tell him he's your new pet._

"Deidara..." Kisame growled, "-let me go."

Deidara in turn looked at him with a raised eyebrow before laughing and proclaiming, "No way, fish! You're my new pet! I can't let you go away!"

"LET. ME. GO!" Kisame once again growled out, ugh, how he hated how Kami had it in for him. "I SWEAR TO KAMI, DEIDARA, THAT IF YOU DON'T LET ME GO, I WILL TELL ITACHI."

Deidara laughed once again, "What? Does it look like I'm scared of that blind arsonist? No way, blue shark! No way in hell! And are you too scared to fight your own battles?"

Kisaem sighed. (He wondered how Deidara had even gotten a leach, and had managed to put it on his neck, when he was sleeping. Apparently, Deidara liked to annoy Kisame in his sleep. Hmm, must be a detailed explanation. Nope, not going into it.) "Deidara, let me go and then I'll fight you, honest, just let me go."

Deidara laughed like the world was on fire (yeah, he would actually laugh if the world was on fire), "Think I would be bated so easily, think again, fish face!" And then he started laughing like a... madman... on the run. (Honestly? All the Akatsuki members were... madmen... on the run, disturbing.)

Kisame cursed his luck and everything else that was on his bad side (yeah, that includes you, Kami!), before replying with a, "Fine, I'll be your new pet."

Deidara blinked, and then rose an eyebrow, "Really? That easily?" he asked Kisame. ...And then he grinned like a madman on the run, which made Kisame wonder if he had made the wrong choice.

Deidara grinned when Kisame gulped and grinned, "OK!"

Yep, Kisame had totally made the wrong choice.

...

_8. Yell: "FISH ARE FRIENDS TOO, NOT FOOD!" whenever he's eating._

Kisame was eating (no, duh). And what was he eating? NOTHING to do with fish... at all. Kisame wasn't a sick wannabe loser who ate his own kin.

But of course, Deidara being the stupid wannabe idiot, albeit a adorable and lovable one, didn't see it like that, because really it was the week to annoy Kisame, of course, he wasn't going to act well with gay fish (Deidara's new nickname for the blue fish... ahem, correction: shark, ahem, correction: Kisame).

So, yeah, getting back to the present though this fanfiction is actually in past tense, ugh, whatever, details, details. Kisame was eating (no, duh, you know, that actually sounds really cool, I'm going to say it often), and he was eating chicken (you see there were no '' things there, so it must mean it was the real deal... the chicken, I mean).

Right, so when Deidara came into the room, of course, HE didn't see it like that. Instead he gasped and pointed at Kisame's plate, before looking up at Kisame, "HOW DARE YOU EAT FISH, YOU MONSTER! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD EAT YOUR OWN KIN! YOU CANNIBAL! CANNIBAL!"

Kisame looked up, horrified at the accusation, "I'm not eating fish! This isn't even fish!" he said, pointing to the plate he was eating from.

Deidara still continued on rambling like the world didn't matter (which of course it did), "FISH ARE FRIENDS TOO, NOT FOOD!"

Kisame had had it, "I KNOW! THESE ARE MY PEOPLE, YOU KNOW! I KNOW THEIR FRIENDS!"

Deidara rose and eyebrow in disbelieve, "Wow, Kisame. You don't need to die over it, you know, idiot." Deidara went over to the fridge and got out a packet of fish fingers -YES! You guessed it!- to eat.

At the same time, Kisame was at disbelieve, _he tells me not to eat fish (when I even don't!) and he goes and eats it...?_ Kisame shook his head, _That kids going to be the death of me. . ._

_..._

_9. Read his (very depressing) dairy to the other Akatsuki members when you're at a meeting._

OK, right, where should we begin? You already pretty much know that the Akatsuki are another of Nagato's useless rant about gaining peace with destruction and whatnot, no?

Right, so we'll start where it becomes interesting.

"...And that is how we'll gain peace," Pein/Nagato carried on with his useless talk, even if he was amazing, it still was pretty much useless talk.

Just when he was finished (sorry, Deidara, you're probably going to get killed by Nagato later on in life), Deidara interrupted - GASP. SHOCK. HORROR. - Yes, please actually do gasp, as you'll probably not get the time later on.

"I'm here!" Deidara shouted, as he held up a tattered book to the Akatsuki, "and look at what I got!"

Nagato gritted his teeth, like a madman, "Deidara, why do you find it suitable to disturb my meeting?"

Deidara waved a hand in front of his face, showing that he didn't care, "Leader-sama, nobody even cares about your meetings please take the hint when you pretend you can't hear yawns." (Yeah, Deidara was so dying soon.)

Before the leader-sama could start talking again, Deidara held the book up in the air, and that was the moment that Kisame saw it, it was his flipping journal! How had that guy got it?!

Before he could question anything, Deidara opened his mouth and read, "_It was an ordinary day in the Akatsuki base, boring, boring and even more boring, it feels as if I'm dying inside because of all the boring-ness, really. It is doing nothing for my health; I wonder why I even joined such an emotionless, funless, serious, and depressing organization. I should have joined the bunny's reign to gain world domination-_" Deidara stopped, as all eyes turned to Kisame, who had a very red face.

Itachi's face looked emotionless, "Seriously, Kisame? 'The bunny's reign to gain world domination'?" (Deidara took this as a sign to get out of the room... FAST.) If it was possible, Kisame's face got even redder. But he didn't say anything, instead got up and walked out of the room.

The last thing the remaining members of the Akatsuki heard was a, "DEIDARA!"

...

_10. When he's talking about family to you, say, "Your mother must have been one ugly mother fucker." ...RUN._

Kisame had such a happy face on, Deidara was actually quite sad that he had to ruin the happy atmosphere... Not. He really was that badass.

"-and then she would always cook me extra chicken if I ever wanted, and then she might even go out of her way and buy me something to eat, sometimes though, only."

And on he continued on, "-sometimes, she used to talk about dad, like he was the best thing in the world, and always shows me pictures of him and all, I tried hard not to cry..."

_Pansy,_ Deidara thought.

"-it was sad that he left mum, she got so upset and started crying for days, I wondered if she was ever going to get better, I never liked my dad after that, leaving mum-"

Deidara raised an eyebrow, "Why?"

Kisame blinked, "Why what?"

"Why did your father leave your mother?"

"Mum used to always tell me that it was because he just never liked her anymore-"

Deidara rose and eyebrow, "Wow. Your mother must have been one ugly mother fucker."

Blinking, Kisame growled, "What did you just say?" he whisper shouted through gritted teeth.

Deidara started backing away quickly, "Hey, I never meant any offense; I just said that your mother must have been one ugly-"

"Finish that sentence and I will cut your legs and arms off," Kisame (oh, so rudely) interrupted, gritting his teeth in irritation.

Deidara ran for it. "DEIDARA, COME BACK HERE!" He laughed, yeah, he might be killed soon, but, hey, at least he had fun.

...

Reviews are nice. Review please!


	5. ways to annoy the scrooge

2,300 words. Don't own anything.

...

**an annoying spree, of sorts**  
Chapter Four – ways to annoy the scrooge

...

_1. Mock him for being such a scrooge._

Deidara was looking at him and it was really starting to annoy him (oh, God, already?).

Putting his book down, he looked up to see Deidara frowning at him. Before he could even say anything, Deidara got on to ranting.

"Kakuzu, you're such a scrooge, it makes me wonder how old you really are. I mean, seriously you should be like 666 or something, not 91. Also what is wrong with you? You don't let us spend anything!-"

"Because that would be wasting money-"

"And now you just interrupted me! First of all, slap yourself, bad person! And second of all, that's not wasting money; you're just being a selfish brat that needs to die!"

"Deidara, I'm like 50 years older than you!"

"Well, you're still a retarded brat that needs to die! Honestly you make me want to puke with all this saving money shit. It makes me also wonder how Hidan can even keep up with you! You greedy little (you''re actually rather big, but saying little makes me feel superior) pig! You're also a massive SCROOGE!"

And with that Deidara left the scene, leaving a baffled Kakuzu behind, soon to hit the floor, indeed.

...

_2. Burn money in front of him. Or better yet, burn _his_ money in front of him._

Kakuzu hated his life, hell; he hated his life and everybody else's. Honestly, what was wrong with that senile old idiot? Deidara was young, yes, but, hey, he could say stuff that made him feel better! Don't judge him!

"Kakuzu~!"

The said person's shoulders tensed, this was him, that bane of his existence, the man that really needed to die.

"Kakuzu~!"

Again with the whole singing thing, honestly, what was up with that?

"KAKUZU~!"

That was it, Kakusu had lost it (but, really, who could stand such a way of singing, it was making him deaf!), "What do you want, brat?!"

"OK, no need to die over it, honestly, all I wanted to say was that..." Deidara stopped talking for a minute, and then a second later, a wad of money came from behind and into his hand.

Kakuzu's eyes widened, "That better not be mine, brat, otherwise I will kill you in the most brutal and violent way possible!-"

But before he could say any more, Deidara got a match out, lit it and put the wad of money on fire. (Kakuzu's eyes widened in disbelief, did that brat do exactly what he thought the brat did? Oh, no, he didn't!)

The whole Akatsuki could hear only one thing, "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

...

_3. Ask him how far he'll go for money. Tell him to break dance for money._

"Kakuzu, how far would you go for money? Hidan said you would do possibly anything. So, like, yeah, how far would you go for money?"

Kakuzu put his book down in frustration, "Deidara, go annoy someone else, heck, go annoy Hidan again!"

"Nope, so, like, Kakuzu, how far would you go for, money, yeah, because, like, yeah...?"

"What us up with all the, like's, hmm, brat?"

"What's up with all the, brats, hmm, brat?"

"I only freaking said it once!"

"Yeah?! ... Actually, you only did say it once..." Insert really nervous laugh here. "Well, whatever! So, yeah, Kakuzu, how far would you go for money, like, yeah...?"

Silence.

"Kakuzu?"

Silence.

"Kakuzu?!"

Silence.

"KAKUZU?!"

"What?!"

Deidara raised an eyebrow, "God, Kakuzu, no need to die over the fact that I'm more sexy than you... Right, erm, break dance for money." It was a comand, demand, ugh, I still can't choose. Why do they both sound so bad-ass?!

Kakuzu raised an eyebrow, "What?" Honestly, what was the alternative?

"Break dance for money." Deidara then took a wad of money from out of God-knows-where.

Kakuzu's eyes widened, before he got up, put his book down and break danced. (Deidara had trouble containing his laughter, that old man had no clue how to break dance, hey, he had to clue how to dance at all.)

Kakuzu finished and opened up his palm for the money.

"What? Oh, this?" Deidara held up the wad of money. Kakuzu nodded. "Na, ah. You can't dance for shit."

Kakuzu fell down anime style.

...

_4. Take him to a really expensive restaurant without him knowing._

"Deidara, where in God's name are you taking me, you fool?" Kakuzu asked the stupid blond terrorist that really couldn't stay out of peoples business.

Deidara rolled his eyes, "Honestly, Kakuzu, don't you know anything? I'm taking you to a restaurant."

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes, "It better not be expensive-"

"Don't worry, it's not a fish restaurant, I know how much you dislike Kisame-no-danna, so you must hate fish too since he is technically a fish." Deidara continued gabbling away.

Kakuzu's eyes twitched, "I wasn't going to say that-"

"It's not some restaurant where people have belly dancers either, so you don't have to worry 'bout that."

"It wasn't that either-" Kakuzu's voice faltered as he looked at the restaurant, "Deidara..." he growled, "this is a very expensive restaurant."

"Yeah, I know."

"Who's going to pay?"

"You, of course."

"Deidara..." Kakuzu got those tentacle things out and attacked the poor defenseless boy named Deidara. "...Bloody stupid terrorists."

...

_5. Blow up the base. Then say to Pein that Kakuzu is the only one that can pay for the repairs._

"How exactly did this happen?" Pein asked one very fine day.

Deidara scratched his cheek. "Ah, well, you see that Tobi guy was annoying me, and I thought I'd teach him a lesson, and, ah, well..."

Pein stopped him from talking any further since Deidara's stupidity was affecting them all. "Now, what in God's name do you want me to do about it?"

Deidara shrugged, "I don't know. Why are you asking me for?"

"Because you're the flipping person who ruined the Akatsuki base!"

Deidara took a step back, "OK, right, then I'll just be going..." He stopped before saying, "You, know, Kakuzu is the only one with enough money to..."

Pein waved his hand, "Yes, yes, I know, go away now." Deidara did so. "KAKUZU! COME HERE RIGHT NOW!" Deidara snickered, that old geezer was so going to get it, Deidara shrugged, ah, well, he deserved whatever misery is put on him.

...

_6. Donate all his money to charity. Tell him (when he asks) that it was for a good course._

What? It was for a good course, you know! Deidara wasn't doing it for the fun of it! Well, OK, maybe.

"Deidara, what the hell are you doing?"

Deidara stopped and turned around coming face to face with Kakuzu (God, the guy was ugly).

He nervously laughed, "He, he, oh, nothing, nothing at all."

"Deidara, just a minute ago, I found out that my piggy bank was empty, do you happen to know where the money is?"

"No, yeah." Great, his speech impediment just had to kick in now.

"Is that a no?"

"No, yeah," Deidara repeated.

"Kakuzu raised an eyebrow, "Is that a 'no' or a 'yeah'?"

"It's a no, yeah."

"I still don't get it," Kakuzu deadpanned.

"It's a no, Kakuzu, yeah!"

"Right, no need to die, so where's my money?"

Deidara laughed again, nervously, "He, he, well, you see, I gave it to charity."

"Why?"

"It was for a good course Kakuzu! Honestly, I wonder if you even have a heart in that chest of yours, yeah!"

Silence.

Kakuzu hit his head against the wall, several times, as Deidara contained the urge to laugh.

...

_7. Steal all his money, and tell him that Hidan took it as a offering for Jashin._

The damn stupid lid wouldn't come off! Deidara had been trying for an hour (at the least) to get the damn stupid thing off! And was it working. Of course not! Kakuzu so did this on purpose. (_Kakuzu, when I get the chance I will kill you, ahh, isn't life fleeting?_)

After several failed attempts at opening the jar to Kakusu's, Deidara just got some clay and bombed the thing up, before running away from the room and screaming Kakuzu's name (after you put the money in your room, of course).

Kakuzu was in the living room, enjoying his life and watching... stuff. (He did _not_ need to be interrupted, thank you very much.) "WHAT?"

"Hidan gave your money as a offering to his pansy-ass lord." Short and simple, perfect.

"WHAT?!"

"I know! I said that if he wanted to give an offering to his pansy-ass lord, he should at least give you-"

"HE GAVE MY MONEY TO HIS PANSY-ASS LORD?!"

"Well, yeah, I did just say that, didn't I? Are you deaf, or something?"

Silence. Deidara looked to see Kakuzu make his way to Hidan's room.

...

"HIDAN! YOU ARE SO GOING TO DIE! MY MONEY!"

Well, if Hidan died from this, Deidara wasn't too concerned, if Kakuzu died, he still really wasn't very concerned, but did Kakuzu just go into his room?

...

"DEIDARA!"

Said guy made a run for it.

...

_8. Ask if he's got a nickname, rename him Frankenstein's twin._

"Kakuzu, I was wondering the other day whether or not you had a nickname-"

"No, I don't have one, go and annoy Kisame, Deidara."

"Hmm, are you sure, I don't know, I think you do have a nickname, though it probably would be rather disturbing and retarded and all. But don't get me wrong, I don't think that _your_not disturbing and retarded and all, so it probably wouldn't make a difference, yeah."

"Deidara?"

"Hmm?"

"Shut up."

"Hey, Kakuzu, do you have a nickname? I think it would be rather cool if you did have one, but then again, it probably would be rather ugly and all, yeah."

Silence.

"Hey, can I make a nickname for you? Since I'm uber sexy and all, I think I should have the honors and all."

Silence.

"Hmm, how about Hidan's torturer? Nah, that's too disturbing and sounds a little wrong, if you catch my drift. Do you catch my drift?"

Silence.

"Well, fine, don't answer, you big oaf. Hmm, I rather like that: ...Big oaf. Nah, it sounds nice tasting and you are no way nice tasting, but whatever. You seriously don't think you're nice tasting, do you?"

Silence.

"Kakuzu, why are you blanking me? I'm too cool to be blanked, I demand that you look at me! Kakuzu, look at me!"

Silence. Kakuzu didn't look at him.

"Frankenstein, look at me!"

Silence. Kakuzu did actually _look_ at him, this time around.

Deidara laughed, "Hmm, I actually like that, so you shall be called 'Frankenstein's twin!"

Silence.

Deidara huffed, "Well then, be mean like that! ...Stupid bloody old men... yeah."

...

_9. Ask what he's hiding behind that mask._

It was an ordinary day in the Akatsuki base, Hidan was killing the mailman, Pein was shouting at him, Konan was holding back the leader from killing the pansy-ass dude gay lover, Itachi was walking into walls, Kisame was watching in amusement, Sasori was making new poisons to kill his pesky roommate with, and Deidara was annoying the shit out of Kakuzu, while the latter wanted to commit genocide.

"Kakuzu! Please, tell me, I really want to know! Tell me! Tell me! Heck, you can even email it to me. Wait... I don't think you know how to email since you are such a stupid old geezer."

"NO!"

"PLEASE!"

"Why the hell not?! I hate it when people always be such scrooges about their personal information, heck, the worlds secrets are there to be found out!"

"They're my secrets and I have a damn right to be scrooge like about them!"

"Oh, come on, all I want to know is what you're hiding behind your face!"

"I'm hiding nothing behind my face!"

"Are you sure?!"

"YES!"

Silence.

"Hey, Kakuzu!" Deidara screamed out once again. "What are you hiding behind the mask of yours?"

Little did he know, that would probably me the last thing he said all day.

...

_10. Suggest if he's really angry about his face, he should get plastic surgery._

Deidara winced, "Honestly, Kakuzu, you didn't have to go all out, that hurt so damn much." Yesterday, Kakuzu had really hurt Deidara using those tentacle things because the stupid blond had kept on asking such personal questions.

Kakuzu didn't look over at him, "It's all your fault, anyway. Stop asking such personal questions."

"Well, you didn't have to go all out, now did you? I could have been seriously hurt yesterday and you don't freaking give two shits!"

"You're right; I really don't give two shits about your education, honestly."

Deidara huffed, "If you really hate your face that much, I suggest-"

"I don't hate my face!"

"-that you get plastic surgery."

Silence.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PLASTIC SURGERY COSTS?!"

Silence.

"You know, I actually really don't. Kakuzu, how much does plastic surgery cost?"

Silence.

"DON'T THINK I'M FREAKING GOING TO TELL YOU!"

Silence.

Deidara shrugged. "You could still get it, though, honestly, since you really seem to hate you face, you're really angry whenever I ask about it."

"Because it's a personal question!"

Silence.

"Still..."

Kakuzu seriously had had enough of this blond's antics, not only was he probably going to die faster since this terrorist seemed to make such things happen, he was also going to be pestered for days on end. So he did the most sensible thing and left the room, at once.

Crickets. Crickets.

Deidara shrugged, "Well, at least he's annoyed, even if I did get myself nearly killed in the process, but, hey, that's number five done, five more to go!" He turned over, before falling on the floor due to his injuries, "OW!"

(Looked like this career really could get him killed, indeed.)

...

Reviews are nice. Review please!


	6. ways to annoy the leader

6,591 words. Don't own anything.

...

**an annoying spree, of sorts**  
Chapter Four – ways to annoy the leader

...

_1. Interrupt him when he's doing paperwork. Oh dear God, paperwork?_

OK, so here was Pein being the ultimate kill joy and doing office work AKA paperwork. Why was he the ultimate kill joy? Well, actually that's a funny story: . . . he's doing paperwork, enough said.

And of course this paper work was incredibly important that it could not in away way, shape or form be disrupted, so that was why the door to the. . . room was closed so no maniac *cough* Deidara *cough* could enter and kill Pein's title for being the ultimate kill joy. Ah, wasn't life _so_ bliss?

But of course fate was cruel to the said male since of course why wouldn't it if he named himself 'Pein', well, duh; he lived through, like, pain. Honestly, are you people _that _stupid? Anyway, back to the topic of fate, destiny (do you sense Neji anywhere or is it just me?), and other bullshit that was just so cruel to Pein, reducing him to change his own name to PEIN. Ahem, where were we? . . . Right.

Anyway, back to the topic, Pein was doing paperwork regarding people in Konoha since that was where he was going to go last and probably kill the most people and then be the softy that he was, fall for some random kids speech of how peace really should be, and revive all those people that he killed again. He sighed, he really needed to take classes to toughen up, it wouldn't do good that he was such a huge softy. Ironic that he somewhat knew how the future was planned out, was it? Also, somewhat sad as well. Sigh. . .well, you can't have everything.

"Stupid paperwork, taking most of my life up, I could go on a date with Konan is it wasn't for this..." Of course, Pein would be someone to talk to himself, and, yes, of course it took away the pain that he felt deep down inside about being the one to kill his best friend. *Cough* nobody heard that. *Cough*

Ahem. . . "Sir Leader! What's up, my man!?"

Pein gritted his teeth in annoyance and wished he was in a pile of poo at the precise moment, anything would be better than having to go through the daily torture that is known as Deidara's annoying spree that had spurted all of a sudden for no apparent reason other than to annoy the living day lights out of the members of the Akatsuki for his daily pleasure. Sigh, Pein really needed to think his life through before he went on with it.

So of course Pein being the nice person that he was, and he was definitely _not_ imagining Konan killing Deidara with her paper origami thingies, course not! Pein was after all, a very, very nice man who just wanted to take over the world using the tailed beasts so that he can somehow bring peace to the world through his idea of stupid justice. But, honestly. . .how cliche did that sound anyway?

"Deidara, can you not see that I am working here and trying very hard to be the only sane person that ever walked this stupid world?-" Pein of course was interrupted by Deidara, because he was named PEIN, and what kind of stupid pansy named themselves Pein if they weren't going to experience Pain? None, of course!

Deidara snorted ever so gentlemen-like, "You? Sane? Oh, for heaven's sake you must be kidding me. How can you even be sane? You're, like, the most insanest one of all of us. You wanna know why?" He waited for the leader of the Akatsuki to nod his head but of course he didn't since that would be totally stupid in every aspect of life and death (not that he had ever experienced death before. . .). "Because you want to gain peace! What kind of bad-ass criminal mastermind wants to gain peace?! Leader-sama, you're supposed to be bad-ass! Not want to gain . . . peace!" He said the word if it was a disgusting piece of specimen that was used for science. And of course, we all know how much Deidara despises science.

Pein wanted to kill the guy! There was something overly wrong with Deidara's brain and he really needed Orochimaru back to fix that . . . but of course that would be later since Orochimaru was in his gay-pedophile phase which needed to be sorted out sooner or later. . .but for now, he didn't have the time. "Deidara, get out of my room before I get Tobi to fangirl over your 'smexiness' again!"

"Aww, you think I'm smexy!"

"No, idiot, couldn't you hear that it was sarcasm!? Tobi thinks you're smexy, whatever the hell that is, obviously he's in his gay-pedophile phase as well."

Deidara shuddered, "Who else is in this gay-pedophile phase, exactly?"

"Orochimaru." Even with that one word, both Deidara and Pein could feel the gay-pedophile. . .thing rubbing off of them and the temperature of the world decreasing in the room by, like, a lot, causing Pein to feel immense PAIN and Deidara to try and leave the room at once before he got the gay-pedophile phase and got killed by Pein at the same moment for ruining his paperwork time (even if it was the most disturbing thing ever created on the planet) and annoying him (even if that was the goal in the first place).

But, of course, Pein being the overly nice person that he obviously was, wasn't about to let Deidara off the hook just yet. "Deidara! Look! Orochimaru!"

Deidara was young, which equaled that he most likely would be targeted by gay-pedophile older men that were probably older than his own dead mother. Ah, the sufferings of this world, how he enjoyed all of them but his own. So, of course, he saw Pein as being one of those gay-pedophile men. When Pein reached out to hold the back of his ninja shirt, Deidara's eyes widened in horror, "RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!"

And he run for his life, with Pein in a frozen state before slapping himself over the head and muttering something that sounded suspiciously like: ". . .I should have spent time with Konan today. . ."

...

_2. Insist to that Tobi guy that he should continue saying "Tobi is a good boy!" in Pein's meetings, constantly._

All of the Akatsuki were in another one of Pein's boring meetings that had something to do with peace and tailed beasts and other useless boring stuff that was absolutely and completely pointless. Deidara wondered why Pien even bothered, nobody was ever interested in knowing about how they could enter Konoha, oh so very sneakily and kill a bunch of people and then fail in their plans because Pein was such a huge softy at heart and he would then diminish the whole plan falling for some random's kids speech about some pervy book.

Anyway. . . that Tobi guy was seriously annoying the living day lights outta Deidara, for a number of reasons. 1. He was wearing a orange mask, you just did not wear that kind of stuff, you just . . . didn't, you wore a black or blue or damn! Even a yellow one! Not some random orange swirly mask.

2. The mask was making him hungry, why in fuck's name did it look like a lollipop, Deidara was burning holes on the back of that Tobi guys head, the latter so did this to make the former hungry, he would die. . .soon.

And 3. That "Tobi is a good boy!" was as annoying as hell, heck, it was even driving the hell outta Deidara, but of course every bad thing had a use somehow and that use would be used sooner . . . or later. At this rate it would have to be later, stupid Leader-sama was taking three million decades to get here with his beloved girlfriend.

And when he did get here, that Tobi guy was still ranting on about how much he was a good boy, which was an absolute nuisance to, like, everyone.

Deidara droned out from most of Pein's useless rant and Hidan's useless shout about how Jashin wasn't a pasny-ass-dude-that-needed-other-idiots-to-kill-fo r-him, and of course he got hit by Pein's magic powers and fell to the ground unconscious, ah, the sufferings of immortals.

". . . and that is how we will gain Konoha domination-"

"Tobi is a good boy!"

Deidara smirked, he could clearly see that that Tobi guy and his: "Tobi is a good boy!" was irritating the leader, though of course being the annoyee that he was, he obviously wasn't going to do anything about it, _obviously_.

". . .though of course if we are to gain Konoha domination a certain someone must be quite for me to continue with what I am saying-"

"Tobi is a good boy!"

". . . and that certain someone just happens to be in the room, and I am telling that certain someone," Pein's glare was directed at Tobi, "to be as quite as possible so we can gain Konoha domination-"

"TOBI is a good boy!"

"- and perhaps get somewhere in life because we have gained Konoha domination, but we will never get anywhere in life as we cannot gain Konoha domination with a certain someone not shutting up-"

"TOBI IS a good boy!"

Pein gritted his teeth in mild annoyence, fuck that! It wasn't mild annoyance, it was major annoyance! And for some reason, looking at the face of Deidara, the bastard was smirking, he had a suspicious feeling that all of this linked up to the blonde fucker.

"Tobi. . .?" He didn't wait for the gay-pedophile to answer, "Would you please shut up? Your constant talking is killing many of my brain cells and I fear that I will grow stupid soon, so would you please?-"

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

Pein got up, walked pass Konan, who was looking at him in a dumbfounding way and hit himself, repeatedly, on the wall who had just been painted by Deidara the other day, and of course, the leader of the Akatsuki had no idea if this, and that got him even more annoyed, despite the fact that his head was now covered in paint, and freaking hell! Why was it blue? Seriously? Why not some creamy color or something? Because, obviously, Deidara was doing everything in his power to annoy the shit outta him, and he was doing a damn well good job at it as well.

Pein left the room rubbing his forehead. Deidara smirked before getting up and having his own say on the matter of 'Konoha domination'.

"What I think should happen is that . . . we should BLOW THEM ALL UP!"

Everyone fell to the floor, anime-style. (Typical thing to say of the blonde artist.)

...

_3. Ask him if the reason he has six bodies is that his ego is too big for one._

Pein just really wasn't in the mood, not only was his forehead hurting as if the sun had come down and directed it's heatwaves to his head alone and then some, Deidara really wasn't helping the situation, at all. Hell! Deidara was the reason behind his sudden migraine in the first flipping place!

_OK, calm the heck down_, he told himself, _it is not going to do well if I kill myself over this._ Anyway. . .Pein, being the obvious kill joy that he was, was doing paperwork once again! Oh, how we wish he could understand the meaning of fun, actually . . .no, only Deidara wants that, after all, Deidara _is_ the ultimate anti-killjoy. Anti-killjoy? Was that even a word? Apparently so: as it didn't get that red squiggly line thing under it.

"Sir Leader. . ." a soft sounding girly voice cooed. Pein shuddered, Deidara was obviously gay, but he did have a brown haired girlfriend, so. . .and she definitely did look like a girl, pretty. Ugh, he had to stop thinking that the other members of the Akatsuki were homosexual, because it really was doing his head in.

"Deidara, go away," he demanded (see? I made my choice, though I might change it later. . .).

"Leader-sama, yesterday, or the other day, which ever you prefer, though I actually prefer yesterday since it's actually more literal-"

"Deidara," Pein growled out, "be fast with this, or I will kill you."

Deidara gulped as if he had this really disgusting tasting tablet in his throat and couldn't exactly swallow it, whatever, not important let's just go back to the present, or whatever the heck it is. "Ah. Right, yesterday, see I made up my mind," he said, before continuing so Pein couldn't smash his body against the wall, "ahem, anyway. . .the other day I decided to ask Konan why I keep on seeing you with different cool hair styles, and she told me that it's because you have six bodies."

Deidara said nothing more. Pein waited, then he looked at Deidara's face waiting for something to be said. "And . . .?" Pein asked, not sure why the blonde fucker was still in the room.

"WHY do you HAVE six bodies?"

"That's none of your business; now go get lost so I can continue with paperwork." Unknown to him, Deidara was very good at paperwork; he was THE tamer of paperwork, but Deidara being himself wanting to see Pein suffer, so he didn't say anything on the matter.

Deidara screamed so very loudly that Pein wanted to commit genocide (whatever the heck that is) right there and then. "BUT I WANT TO KNOW."

"NO! GET LOST, NOW!"

"NO, I WANNA KNOW! I WANNA KNOW! I WANNA KNOW!"

"NO! I HAVE PAPERWORK TO DO!"

"I WANNA KNOW!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"NO!"

"YES! Wait . . . what?"

Deidara laughed. "So . . . now, you're gonna have to tell me, you stupid old fart."

Pein gritted his teeth; this kid was seriously annoying, though before he could even utter something that could have come out of the mouth of a goat, Deidara intervened. "Hey. . .is it because you have such a large ego that one body isn't enough?"

Silence.

"Because that would seriously be really weird and. . .Yeah. . ." Deidara laughed nervously.

Pein's eyes twitched, "You think I have a ego?-"

"Well, yeah," Deidara muttered.

"-Have you even considered me having six bodies because of a rational reason that can actually be explained or are you actually serious?"

"Well, yes, the latter."

Silence.

Crickets. Crickets.

"Deidara, Kami forbid, if you are in my sight for another second I will hurt you. . . .I'm counting down now. Run or I will kill you and you will stay dead for eternity . . . one, two, and three . . . DEIDARA, JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Deidara laughed nervously before getting up and running. (He really needed a safer why of annoying the Leader.)

...

_4. Play follow the leader. Bonus if you get that Tobi guy to do it._

"OK, Tobi, listen very, very carefully, or heaven forbid it, I will kill you, all you have to do is follow the leader around everywhere, got that?!"

"Yes, Deidara-sempai!"

Deidara's eyes twitched, he wasn't very fond of that nickname that seemed to come out of absolutely nowhere, because it made him sound like a old fart which he didn't really appreciate, actually no, he didn't appreciate it at all, "Tobi, stop calling me that."

Tobi looked at him as if Deidara was some insane glue monster that was sent to kill them all (though he wasn't really sure, Tobi did always wear a mask so it was somewhat hard to realize what the guy looked like or what his facial expression was), "Tobi does not know what you mean, Deidara-sempai." (Did Deidara mention how it annoyed him even more when Tobi referred to himself in third person?) "Tobi thinks that saying Deidara-sempei to Deidara-sempai shows a sign of respect and Tobi is very high on respect."

"Tobi just stop calling me Deidara-sempai and stop referring to yourself in third person, it's annoying as fuck, yeah."

Tobi gasped, "Deidara-sempai! Tobi thinks that you are too young to say such a word! Naughty child! Tobi does not approve of you!"

Deidara groaned, what the hell was wrong with this man, it was obvious that this Tobi guy was the child. (Deidara didn't even know why the leader allowed him in the Akatsuki.) Whatever, he could start thinking about that later, he had to go back to thinking of playing 'follow the leader' with Tobi on the Leader.

"OK, Tobi, whatever, this is what you need to do. . ."

...

Pein was having a bad day, not only was Deidara annoying him, it was the fact that Tobi (that fucking backstabber) was doing it to, annoying him, to say.

First off he went into the bathroom wondering whether or not Kakuzu had fixed the pipes yet and found them not done. (Gee, he wonders why. *cough* Deidara *cough*.)

He was just about to exit the place, when he had found Tobi behind him, doing exactly what he was doing at exactly the same time. He coughed, Tobi coughed. He moved his arm to the right up a little; Tobi moved his arm to the right, up a little. He rubbed his eyes, the fucker known as Tobi rubbed his eyes and so on, until he had finally had enough.

Pein turned arond, got his magical power stuff and hit Tobi with it, resulting in the latter ending up hit to the wall. Pein had left in silence.

...

It was the middle of the night when Pein woke up ready to go back to the bathroom and wonder if that stupid money whore had finished with the bathroom, somehow he had a feeling the answer to be no.

AT EXACTLY THAT SAME TIME DEIDARA JUST HAD TO ARRIVE, DIDN'T HE? Pein walked towards the bathroom, Deidara did the same. Pein coughed very, very loudly, Deidara did the same, he coughed very, very loudly.

Pein walked into the bathroom, Deidara did the same, before getting out almost a second later, and that was when Pein heard a clicking noise. He turned around and found himself to be locked inside the bathroom. Pein cursed out loud. Kami damn everything that had ever existed.

...

Deidara cackled.

...

_5. Ask him if he needs pain killers. The most classic one for someone named PEIN, don't you think?_

"_Hmm, hmm_. . ." Deidara being the most bad-ass member of the Akatsuki was humming like every other bad-ass character but he was humming much different from all of them because it sounded girly therefore not making him sound like some mindless bad-ass character that had no flipping death. What we get from this sentence? Bad-ass people do NOT in any shape or form hum therefore making Deidara very much a pansy.

Right, so most people would like an explanation of what he is doing, where he is, and why in fuck's name is he flipping humming. Let's get on with it, huh?! Where is he? At a shopping mall, duh, who _doesn't_ hum in a shopping mall? (Note the sarcasm?) What is he doing? Buying a whole load of pain killers, duh, who _doesn't_ hum when they're buying pain killers, common sense, people, has all of it been lost? (Ah, the joys of sarcasm.) Why the hell is he humming? Because he's in a shopping mall buying pain killers, duh, who_doesn't_ hum when they're doing that?

Deidara brought the pain killers with a simple explanation off: "Lady, don't fuck around with this, OK? I need those pain killers so it will take away the disease that is killing random shop owners for the fuckness of not being able to do what they're told. Look, woman, you're a shop owner, right? So stop being a fucker and get me those pain killers!"

Of course by then Deidara was on a rant about shop owners and their fuckness, so even if the poor lady nodded, horrified, he was still going to keep on talking.

"And then those stupid shop owners with fuckness in their veins keep on talking about how I'm not right? The fuck? That makes no sense, bitch! (I didn't mean you, don't take it the wrong way, the bad-assness comes from being in a criminal organization ready to take over the world for too long, so not your fault lady, don't kill yourself over it, stay calm and true to yourself.) Right, where was I. . .?"

Before he could get started again about shop owners and their fuckness, the lady butted into his monologue, "Right, right, now, here you are, off with you, now."

Silence.

"Lady, did you just tell me what to do?!"

"Y-yes . . .?"

"That's it, you are so going down!" Deidara said, dropping the pain killers and getting some clay out of his pocket, before molding it and throwing it at the old yet elegant lady.

_BOOM!_

And thus the old lady died a very sad and unforgettable death. Deidara huffed, before putting the clay back in his pocket, picking up the bad of pain killers and going off on his day. (_What a stupid, stupid old hag, telling me what to do!_)

...

"Here."

Pein looked towards a packet of whatever and mentally gritted his teeth, what in Kami-sama's name was he thinking when he decided he was going to become the leader of ninja who are just rather creepy and just downright annoying (the last one particularly for Deidara).

Deidara rolled his eyes as if _he_ was the one dealing with the_ boss_, thank you very much. "Leader-sama, aren't you going to take them or something? How rude, I went all over to the shopping mall," Deidara mentally shivered here, "and you don't even care, rude. Here," he said the third time, "there pain killers, should take away the pain in you."

Pein's eyes twitched, so that was what this ridiculous packet of things were, pain killers, he really needed to kill the blond retard some time soon. "I don't need them."

"Yeah, you do! After all you are named PEIN, pretty self explanatory."

"I don't need them."

"Yeah, you do!"

"NO."

"YES!"

"NO."

"YES!"

"NO!"

"Yes . . . actually you know what, here, just take them and I'll be off on my way." And this sealed the fate of Deidara whatever-his-bloody-surname is's fate: (he was so dying sometime soon).

...

_6. Use a huge magnet and drag him and his other bodies along with it. Bonus if you get the other members to watch._

The members of the Akatsuki were looking at a piece of paper, each advertising the same thing:

_Come to my workshop at 9pm sharp, I have something to show you guys._

Sasori narrowed his eyes, "Either he's actually going to let us look at his oh so precious workshop. . .or he's lost it."

Kakuzu nodded his head in understanding, stroking his non-existence beard he said, "I think he's lost it, he never allows anyone to go into that workshop, when Tobi went in, the whole world nearly died. . . But I think we should go. . ."

Zetsu narrowed his eyes, "Why? What does your one say, huh? _HUH_?" True to his word, all the pieces of paper had something written underneath them, each one being different.

Kakuzu hid his piece of paper, "Nothing, it just says that it'll be an eventful night. . ."

Zetsu took the paper off from him, "Liar! It says: '_Ther r a lot of bounties ther dat u cud gayn moni from. :)_' _Hmm, the spellings totally crap but the smiley face is sorta cute_." The Akatsuki members backed away from him, slowly.

Konan looked down on her scrap of paper, it read: _'Dis will help u get closar 2 de leader. :)'_ Konan's eyes twitched; didn't kids know anything about spelling these days? Apparently not. (_Oh, God, what is this kid planning?_)

Kakuzu snatched his paper back from Zetsu and stuffed it into his pocket in frustration, before looking at Itachi, who seemed to be squinting at the piece of paper, taking it to his face before doing that all over again, Itachi sighed, that Kakuzu could see, "Itachi, what does your one say?"

Itachi didn't seem to notice the guy, as he was still squinting at the scrap of paper, Kisame happily went over, grinning he read, "_'If u do not com 2nite dan I'll no dat u cud not reed dis. :)'_" Kisame grimaced at the poor spelling on Deidara's behalf and the fact that the grammar was totally disgusting. And those smiley faces were seriously getting annoying.

"OK, we're going," Itachi said as if the statement was established.

"Hey! I'm the leader here, I call the shots here!" Pein clearly did not understand that he sounded like a child. "And I say that we're . . . going!" Thus they did.

Though, before they did . . ." Tobi, you mother fucker, what does your one say?!"

He showed them his scrap of paper with a sad voice when he read it, "'_I had a spar peece of paper, go fuck ur self 'n stay outta mi work shop. 0_0' _So mean! Tobi says that Deidara-sempai is so mean!"

...

"The fuck is he?!" Hidan shouted frustrated with the fact that Deidara could not come on time.

Seconds passed. Minutes passed.

"I'm here!" a voice said behind the members of the Akatsuki, they turned around and came face to face with a. . .huge magnet? What surprised them even more was that Pein seemed to be finding it hard to stand on the ground properly; this confused many of them, even the Uchiha, since he couldn't see anything, somewhat.

The huge magnet pulled him along everywhere it went, and that was when they finally got it, and what did they do? They all laughed apart from the dignified ones, of course, including Itachi and . . . that's it, even Konan, who knew the leader the best, couldn't help but suppress a chuckle.

The huge magnet pulled him towards the shed, Deidara looked towards them and smirked, he let go off the magnet, put it in his workshop, and closed the door behind him.

_BOOM!_

. . . And all the members of the Akatsuki laughed, even Itachi suppressed a smile, albeit it being very small.

(Seeing this as his cue to escape, Deidara did so, laughing all the way of course, whatever, he thought shrugging, that wasn't even his actually workshop.)

...

_7. Tell him that his idea of peace will never happen, so he should just give up on his dream since he'll never get anyway._

"It won't work."

"What won't work, you stupid little . . .?"

And here they where, Deidara and Pein, having, like all those many times that they do, a civilized conversation. Of course having such a thing is categorized as being sane, and the Akatsuki were nowhere near that . . . now and forever.

They were having breakfast, the Akatsuki, I mean, and obviously that was civilized, because when has a sane family ever had a civilized breakfast? (No offence.) That's right, never! (_And Tobi will rule the world with that information!_)

Ahem . . . "Your idea of peace, of course, what else, it's not like we aren't going to blow a lot of people up and rule the world, your idea . . . actually the idea in general is just . . . well, stupid," Deidara said, munching on some popo cops.

Pein had a vein popped up on his forehead, "WHAT?"

Deidara shrugged, "Well, we are a criminal organization and people expect us to unexpected, you know, like want to gain peace and stuff, but they expect us to be unexpected so we should be expected so then we're unexpected, therefore if the expected becomes the unexpected than it truly was expected in the first place."

Silence.

Deidara raised an eyebrow, "What? Look, all I said that if people think that we're going to be unexpected, we should be expected therefore we are actually being unexpected because people thought that we would be unexpected, instead of being expected which then becomes the unexpected because people would not have expected it! God, why does nobody understand?!"

Silence.

"LOOK: Pein should just give up on his dream because it's going to make us look expected because people think that we'll do the unexpected which after a while becomes unexpected, don't you get it?!"

"Mother fucker! What the fucking hell?! That made no fucking sense!" Two imaginary chocolate cookies for whoever guesses that is.

Pein rubbed his temple, like he did so very many times, "Deidara . . . OK, let me see if I have got this: you want me to give up on my dream to gain world peace because that way we'll look expected because people think that that's unexpected but since we're a criminal organization we should not look expected because of the unexpected since we're cool and we want to be unexpected which people think are expected but they think we're going to be unexpected which is actually expected to them, therefore we have to actually go by our name? . . . How does that make any sense?"

Deidara clapped his hands, "Exactly! That's it, you've hit the jackpot!"

(But, wait, if the Akatsuki do the expected when people think they're going to do the unexpected doesn't that make the expected unexpected?)

Silence.

(Nobody spoke.)

Pein stood up and went out of the room, hitting himself repeatedly on the wall. (Why did he even let the blond fucker in his organization anyway!?)

(Deidara grinned.)

...

_8. Every time Pein says or does something, say "Like a BOSS!" or "You're the MAN!" afterwards._

"Deidara, what are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing . . . You're the MAN!"

"What?" Pein raised an eyebrow at Deidara's behavior and then sighed, this was normal for the idiot, what was he expected, anyway That he would just become another Uchiha in a day?

(The idea was rather amusing if he thought about it, those two despised each other well . . . more like Deidara despised Itachi and the latter didn't give a shit.)

"Oh, nothing . . . You said it Like a BOSS!"

"I said _what_ like a boss?"

". . . You're the MAN!"

". . . Oh, never mind."

...

"-and that is how we'll gain world domination! By-"

"You're the MAN!"

"Deidara, be quite! I'm trying to have a serious conversation here regarding Konoha (and world) domination! Can you not see that? Are you as blind as Itachi?" Pein shouted, Deidara snorted, Itachi's face stayed the same but he still thought: (_I'm not blind . . . nor am I going blind. . ._), so yes, he was offended.

(_What a loser._) "Like a BOSS!"

"Deidara, WILL YOU BE QUITE?!"

"NO . . . Like a BOSS!"

"Forget it . . ." Pein said before he got up, made eye contact with Konan and went out of the room.

(Various sounds of things being thrown, things being broken and things just being . . . somewhat killed was . . . heard and . . . felt.)

...

"Deidara, would be as kind enough to pass me the salt and the pepper?" Pein asked Deidara. (The Akatsuki were having lunch.)

"Lymmka Boouss!" Deidara said, munching on some spaghetti, and of course, Pein couldn't understand any of this.

The leader of the Akatsuki raised an eyebrow, "What?" He asked it innocently, but of course he knew what was coming.

"Yomm the MAMN!"

(_Kami, just kill me now, no, actually on second thoughts, I'll just kill myself, thank you._)

Pein pointed to the door at the other side of the room, "Deidara, just go . . . just go . . ."

(But of course the said person did nothing but stay on his chair and munch on spaghetti while the other members of the Akatsuki in silence, none of them daring to do anything to disrupt the conversation . . . when they were arguing and (annoying) each other.)

Pein thought (yeah, he actually does think! Miracle, isn't it?!), _I wonder what I had done to deserve such punishment. . ._

_..._

_9. Tell him that his eyes are weird and the Sharingan looks much cooler._

"I don't get it."

". . . You don't get want, Deidara?" Oh, Pein, have you learnt nothing? Do not ever question Deidara. Ever. Not if you want to hear mindless and pointless crap that will go on for decades.

"Why you have those eyes."

Pein sweat dropped, did thise kid not pay any attention to him when he went on to his rants and lectures of why the rinnegan was so cool and awesome. "Because I do." Short and simple, in the right content, it could even be classified as cute.

"'Because I do' isn't a good enough answer, doesn't make any sense, anyway."

"Deidara, why do you find it amusing to annoy me like this, are you insane or something?"

Deidara smiled a Naruto-like smile, "Nope! . . . But seriously why do you have those eyes?"

(And that's how it began.)

...

"Zetsu, why does Pein-sama have those eyes, it makes him look sort of a loser, no offense but still. . ."

Zetsu sighed, he didn't know how anyone could bare to live with this guy, fucking annoying he was, "I don't know, go ask him." In fact, Zetsu did know why Nagato/Pein had those eyes, but of course, it wasn't likely he was going to tell anything to the idiot, thus having to spend time with the annoying fucker.

Deidara whined, "But all he says is: 'because I do', what I'm I supposed to learn from that? Before you say anything, yes, I'm not supposed to actually learn anything from his eyes, but I didn't have a valid reason to why he would have to tell me, don't kill me!"

Zetsu sighed, and then licked his lips like he wanted to eat something, "Deidara, look just go away, will ya? _Because if you don't, nobody will find your body in the morning . . . and I don't think you want that._So, Deidara, go away."

He didn't have to say it twice, Deidara was faster out of the room than Kisame would be, and we all know how much Kisame is scared of Zetsu.

(And that's how it started.)

...

(This is how the conversation started.)

"Leader-sama, your eyes are weird."

"I know."

"They look weird."

"I know."

"Why do they look like that?"

"I don't know."

"Does anyone else have them?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Oh, OK, Pein-sama, your eyes are weird."

". . . I know."

"Why are they weird?"

"I don't know. . ."

"Do you know anything?"

"Yes."

"Like what?"

"Things."

"What kind of things."

". . . Stuff."

"That doesn't make sense."

"I know."

"Then why did you say it?"

"Because."

". . . Are you going to say 'because' to every question I ask?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Why are you eyes weird then?"

"Because."

"I knew you were going to answer like that."

"Good."

"When did you become so sarcastic?"

"I've always been."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Oh."

". . . Can you go now?"

"No. Why are your eyes weird?"

"None of your god damn business!"

"No need to die over it!"

"Go."

"No."

"GO."

"NO."

"GO!"

"NO!"

"Leader-sama, why are your eyes weird . . .?"

(And that's how the conversation ended.)

...

"I can't believe I'm going to say this . . . but the Sharingan looks much cooler than your eyes leader-sama."

Silence.

"Erm, Leader-sama. . .?"

Silence.

". . . P-pein-sama, um, are you feeling alright?"

Silence.

"Leader-sama-"

"DEIDARA, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DIE, NOW! GO, RUN! THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING, ANNOY ME AGAIN AND I WILL KILL YOU!"

Needless to say, Deidara ran for his life. (_I think it was the Sharingan comment that made him finally lose his cool._)

...

_10. Make him have a staring contest with Itachi, do everything in your power to distract him from winning._

Itachi and Pein were having a staring contest, due to Pein being a sore loser and wanting to find out whether his rinnegan was cooler or the sharingan was cooler, needless to say, none of them were going to be backing out anytime soon, they were both concentrated, well, that was until Deidara came onto the scene and just about ruined everything.

(Deidara started making faces right up close to Pein's face, resulting Pein twitching his eye.)

"Why are we even doing this?" Itachi asked the leader, his face not betraying his emotions, inwardly he was pissed, but not at the leader, he knew all of this had something to do with Deidara, why would the idiot be here then, anyway?

Pein shook his head, "To prove that my rinnegan is better than your sharingan."

Itachi's voice stayed monotone, "Is that all?"

"Yes."

(The next the Deidara did was blowing bubbles, where Deidara had gotten the bubble blower was beyond Pein. Pein started twitching in both eyes by this time. _Successful so far_, thought Deidara.)

"Why is Deidara there?" Itachi asked the leader, he was really getting annoyed because of this stupid starting contest, and his frustration was obviously going to be taken out on Deidara, later.

Pein sighed and then rubbed his forehead as if he was used to this question a time and a time and a time again, "Why are you asking me for? When do I ever know what goes through that stupid brain of his?"

Itachi raised an eyebrow, "Right."

"Good."

(_OK, last time I'm going to do this_, Deidara thought. This was the last time Deidara was going to do anything remotely distracting to annoy Pein and it had to be good, he had the perfect thing! So he got all the pieces of clothes from his bag (the one he got when he went out shopping -cue shivers-) and put them off, he was a . . . clown! This surprised Pein so much that he blinked without even noticing.)

"I win," Itachi said, he saw that blink of Pein's even if he was very nearly blind.

"What?" Pein blinked several times more, he turned towards the space that Itachi was and then growled, this whole thing was Deidara's fault, and he should get sued because of this. Pein growled once again, before getting up and making a beeline for the blonde idiot.

(Deidara didn't see it coming, he didn't see that attack from Pein coming at all, so when his back met the hard cold war and blood started trickling down from hsi head and the corner of his mouth, he wondered if his mother had accidentally dropped him onto the ground to damage his brain often, it wouldn't have surprised him, with the way his brain was going, he wasn't sure he was going to even live long enough. . .

. . . Pein existed the room.)

And that was all.

...

Reviews are nice. Review please!


	7. ways to annoy the angel

5,894 words. Don't own anything.

...

**an annoying spree, of sorts**  
Chapter Four – ways to annoy the angel

...

_1. Tell her that Pein doesn't like her anymore . . . therefore her new teammate is that Tobi guy._

_Where _is_ he?_ Konan asked herself for the billionth time. Pein was never late. Not as far as she could recall. So, where was he?

She sighed. Sometimes she wondered why the heck she joined this good-for-nothing organization except for looking at hot guys that were all probably homosexual. Sigh. Seriously, though. Her life sucked so much it wasn't even funny.

Of course, her life would be a lot better if that good-for-nothing blond bombshell (Deidara insisted that the Akatsuki from now on call him that) never existed. Ah, she could just imagine her suffer-ridden life.

"Konan," a voice said behind her as she jumped a mile towards the sky before plummeting down again and nearly dying from landing on her butt. (That didn't actually happen, by the way.)

She turned around annoyed at the blond bombshell (she even had to _think_ like that, yes, wonder), "What?"

"Pein doesn't like you anymore. You know, I don't think he even liked you to begin with, really. I mean, seriously, un. He looks twenty and you look like your thirty or something-"

She cut him off panicking. Pein didn't like her anymore? He didn't want to be her partner anymore? Why . . .? "Why . . .?" Konan wasn't one for subtlety.

Deidara shrugged like he couldn't care less. Which he probably didn't. "Dunno." He scrunched up his nose folding his arms over his chest and pressing his right side to the wall next to them, "You're getting old." He laughed as if it was a old joke that he shared many times.

(Konan in the future prayed often for this boys sanity.)

She frowned at him. She calmly (although she was panicking inside. Pein and Konan always worked together) raised her eyebrows and laughed softly with him which made him somewhat annoyed. It showed perfectly on his face. "Oh, really?" She didn't believe this kid one bit. After what he had done to most of the other members she knew he was a trickster, a joker. "Then who's going to go with me on missions?"

"Tobi," he answered with a blank expression on his face. It didn't seem like he liked her very much. Must be because she was the only girl that didn't get annoyed with him. Only member that didn't get annoyed with his retarded antics.

_Tobi?_ That made Konan reel back in surprise, "Tobi? Why Tobi?"

Deidara laughed and his smile, his crooked smile made her wonder if she was going to get raped. Or something. He shrugged. He didn't care. He never cared. "Dunno. I think it's because _he_ sucks, _you_ suck." Deidara shrugged again. "It all makes sense, really."

Konan was ready to tear her hair out and dye it pink. Her face remained emotionless, though. Konan didn't want to please Deidara. Oh, no! That would be utterly horrible. So she smiled. A smile so creepy it could scare Madara and maybe even Nagato. The latter was better at hiding emotions, she thought. "That's good."

Konan walked away. Tearing her hair off. (And Deidara was even told the next day that she had dyed it pink. Wonderful.)

...

_2. Give all her origami paper to Deidara (me) and Sasori for their 'art'._

_Where _is_ it?_ Konan asked herself for, like, the billionth time. She moved to the the other side of the room and began searching for her stack of origami paper _again_. Konan was careful,_very_ careful, when it came to her stash of origami paper and never left it un-hidden. So where was it?

(There was only one time she had ever left her paper un-watched/hidden/guarded but that was a long time ago. It wasn't a tale she liked to tell. Far to heart wrecking.)

"Where? Where? Where?" Konan felt like tearing her hair off. This day was so not going her way. First Deidara (_that_ bastard) comes out of nowhere, scares the living daylights out of her, acts all cool and macho, tells her that Pein - _Pein_ - didn't want to be her partner anymore therefore she was lumbered with Tobi - _Tobi_ (dear god), and walked away as if he wasn't being a bastard enough.

God.

(She seriously didn't need to have another encounter with the bane of her existence, get annoyed again (though she was very good at hiding that emotion, years of practice) and dye her hair pink. And no. She hadn't dyed her hair pink. No yet, anyway.

"I hate that guy," Konan mumbled under her breath as not to alert all men in the world that she - _apparently_ - hated them. Guy. Dude. Man. Yeah, you get the picture. Whatever.

"Who do you hate, un?" a voice said behind her. Konan didn't jump this time. She was ready. She wasn't going to let that bastard get away with annoying her - again. Konan didn't have a plan, though. Whatever, she mentally shrugged her shoulders. She was going to have to improvise.

Konan rounded on to him, directly looking at his grinning face. "Hello."

The grin didn't drop of his face one bit, "Hey, Konan." (When did he have the right to call her that? By her name? As far as she recalled, she was called 'Sir Leaders Girlfriend' all that time. It did get rather annoying the five-hundredth time.) "Here," he said, handing her a scorched object thingy.

Konan narrowed her eyes, "What is this?" she asked, looking at them. . . Those scorched object thingy. Yeah.

If it was even possible, his grin only got larger. "Paper."

She wondered if he was stupid. Or emotionally broken. Or a creepy psychopath. Probably all three. "Yes, Deidara. I can _see_ . . . that."

Konan was about to say something else when he interrupted her. "It's _your_ paper."

Konan blinked, "My what?"

He smirked, "You heard me, hmm," Deidara said, whistling. His eyes landed every single place other than Konan. He _really_ didn't need to feel this woman's wrath.

Several emotions were going through her body at that moment. Sadness. Happiness (don't look at me like that!). Regret for being such a huge idiot. And then anger. Such harsh and uncontrollable anger that could shake the foundations of the new era. _Annoying little bastard_. "You annoying little _bastard_." Konan really liked voicing her thoughts.

Deidara backed up, walking slowly towards the door. Konan walked closer to him making sure to slow down her steps as to make him scared. The hint of fear in his eyes pleased her. "And where exactly is the _rest_ of my origami paper?"

He gulped, "Eh. Well, you see-"

"_WHERE IS IT?_"

Was it getting hot in here or something? "Well," Deidara said scratching his cheeks, "Sasori and I- We . . . eh . . . well-"

This was really started to bother Konan. That bastard making her wait longer than necessary. "Get to the point," she grounded out, gritting her teeth in annoyance.

"I took all the paper, gave half to Sasori. And, eh. We used it for our art. So, yeah, it's all long gone, yeah!" he rushed, flapping his arms about and sweating from all parts of his body.

And then his run. Leaving Konan to morn over her stash of Origami paper by _herself_. (He could have done that at least. Bastard.)

...

_3. Demand that she should paint her nails a bright shade of pink since pink nails and blue hair go so well together, no?_

Konan was painting her nails. A vibrant blue color to match her hair. Vibrant blue because she liked the color, got a problem with that? Question answered before it was even asked or read or typed or said. Meh, whatever.

Of course, there was nothing wrong with different colors. She had tried a crimson red before. And a scarlet red. Even a bright red. So, basically she really liked the colors blue and red. But, hey! She had tried different colors as well. Like teal, turquoise, sapphire, ruby, rose, etc. So, yeah, they were all basically different shades of red and blue. Dear, God. She liked the color purple as well. But since that was a color between red and blue it didn't exactly qualify.

(Konan was very happy doing her nails. She did not need some stupid idiot who couldn't mind their own business to come ruin her lovely evening. God.)

"Hey, yeah." He was standing - leaning - against her bedroom wall. His hands in his pockets - trying to act cool and macho (big fail). She scoffed. Konan was far too busy to answer such a lowly scum such as him which made him angry. It showed perfectly on his face. Perfectly. She liked watching him squirm.

"Hello," she answered back after a few minutes of silence. Being polite never cost a penny. The anger on his face (she suspected it to be fake, to be false) disappeared altogether to be replaced by a grin the size of the sun. (Konan guessed he only wanted to talk to someone.)

He looked at her nails and wrinkled his nose in disgust. (That was it. She was so disowning him as family.) "Gross. You know nothing about clashing colors, do you?" Deidara shook his head. "Honestly. Although, they don't exactly _clash_, per se. They just look horrible together."

Konan gritted her teeth in annoyance. How annoying could this kid _get_? She worried for her future (if she had one), she worried for the brat's future (if he had one), she worried for the rest of the Akatsuki's future (if they had one), heck! She worried for the whole of mankind. This guy could kill people with the radiance he had around him. Annoyance was _definitely_ his middle name.

"Go away." He didn't, of course. He never did. (Wow, did that sound angst-y or what?)

Silence.

"Pink, yeah," Deidara said, pumping his fist into the palm of his other hand. "Yes, yeah. Pink," he said again after those few minutes of blissful (Konan had enjoyed it _so_ much) silence.

She raised an eyebrow. "Pink?" Konan asked, annoyed, confused and angry at the same time. Damn it! He was wasting her nail polishing time. Deidara deserved to be hang for such a offence.

"Yeah," he said, nodding his head as if he was really happy that she had finally got his way of speech. "Pink. Pink nail varnish!" He laughed like he had cracked a joke, a joke heard many times over, a joke made so many times, a popular joke. Konan didn't find it funny. (Deidara was going mad. Literally. It always happened to villains. Nobody could stop it.) His grin came back on and her thoughts from before went away. "Pink and blue suit, you know."

OK, so he was going mad. What was she supposed to do, anyway? Konan huffed. She wouldn't want to do anything anyway. Stupid guy deserved going into madness and then slowly drifting away in the moonlight. Being forgotten. Not remembered. It hurt, but she didn't care. He wasn't a villain, only a pawn. She raised her eyebrows, "Pink and blue suit, huh?" she asked, slightly amused at his stupid-ness. Or was he merely pretending that he was stupid or something? Meh, whatever. She didn't care. "That's new," she grounded out, annoyed. This dude was going to win the annoyance award of the year. If there ever was one.

But the next thing he did wasn't expected. In the least. He got her pink nail varnish, opened the lid, and splashed it on her. The whole lot.

"_Deidara_!" Konan screamed bloody murder. Oh boy, she was _annoyed_. "_Come back here, you ungrateful child_!"

"OK, OK," Deidara said, backing away. "Now, let's reason here. Let's talk about this- Ah!" Thousands and thousands of paper origami cam flying towards him in seconds. "Ow! Konan, you bitch! That bloody hurt! OW!"

"How dare you call me a bitch!" she screams, her blue - now pink and blue - hair flying around her. "You split bloody pink nail varnish on me, you _bastard_!"

He ran as fast as he could. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm- OW! Konan, tell your human origami things to back off! . . . OW!"

She didn't, of course. She was enjoying his torment for the prolong suffering that she had to live through too much to give up.

(It lasted for a few more minutes before she called it off, satisfied with the suffering _she_ put _him_ through.)

...

_4. Persuade Pein that Konan loves paper so much, that she would gladly do all his paperwork for him._

"But I asked her, god damn it!" Deidara screamed waving his arms about in frustration.

"No. You didn't, you merely _assumed_. There's a difference, Deidara," Pein replied back to Deidara's outburst.

Deidara's eyes twitched. Oh, for the love of. . . The things he did for this damn organization and the things he could in return. Oh, the agony. "I did ask her," he replied back to Pein's reply to his question.

Pein looked at him.

"OK, so I didn't actually ask her, but she's pretty obvious. What I mean is that, it's pretty obvious that she loves paper. I swear, if she had the chance she would get a wedding and marry all her paper. But I think she's in love with you. . . Ugh, whatever," he said.

Pein rubbed his head, "Oh, for the last time. She does not love me. And you've annoyed many people, including me. Aren't you annoyed with yourself yet?" he asked. Deidara shook his head, grinning like a madman while folding his arms. "Yet? Yet? Ye-"

"No! The things I do for the Akatsuki. And this is what I get in return? Huh? Huh?! I demand some respect here, you loner. And, yeah. You are a loner who rants too much for his own good. I swear to Kami, it should be illegal to rant that much."

Pein looked at him. Again.

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Whatever. Now, where was I? Ah, right. Talking about how she would gladly do all your paper work for-"

Pein cut him off. "I like doing paperwork. It gives me a reason to get away from _you_," Pein explained.

Deidara faked offense, "Well! Aren't you rude!" He clears his throat, "She would do your paperwork for you, seriously. I mean, have you _seen_ the way she babys her paper?" The other occupant of the room nodded his head. "Exactly, so she would totally do your paperwork if you let her. She would even kiss you, maybe."

Pein thought it over. "No."

"No?! The hell? Why?" Deidara asked, all at once, annoyed at Pein's not-consideration for his own freaking well being.

Pein shook his head. "What I _meant_ to say was 'not now'." What? Pein wasn't exactly going to tell him that he never was going to make Konan to dreadful paperwork. Deidara would just complain and complain and complain, ugh.

Deidara wasn't stupid, though. "I know that you're lying, you know. I'm not dumb. And yes, I know dumb means 'can't speak'. . . I'm not stupid, either."

Pein sighed. Well, Deidara wasn't that stupid. Just a little. "Fine! Konan!" he called.

Konan came running, pleased to be finally called in by the Leader. When her eyes landed on Deidara her smile was replaced by a thin firm line. Deidara saw this and scoffed. "Yes?" Konan asked.

Pein didn't beat around the bush. "Would you like to do my paperwork?"

Konan was taken aback a few years. What? Wait. What the hell did he just say to her. And here she was getting ready to cry when he proposed. She could just see the tears coming down from her eyes. . . Anyway, she didn't want to do paper work. Really. "W-what?"

"It's OK if you don't want to. Deidara just said that you would-"

"_What_?" Konan growled. She turned her body so her eyes could face Deidara's face. Konan growled again, "_Why_?"

Deidara shrugged. He never got to answer her question since hundreds - no, _thousand _- of paper origami came towards him. He fled straight away.

(Pein watched in amusement.)

...

_5. Ask if she's the Akatsukis cleaning lady/bitch. Run before she paper cuts you._

_"Hmm. . . Hmm. . . Hmm. . ."_

Konan (also, dubbed 'cleaning lady' by Deidara) was doing the dishes while humming. She liked humming. With all the suffering she went through, humming soothed her, calmed her, kept her from going mad and paper-cutting all the Akatsuki.

_"Hmm. . . Hmm. . . Hmm. . ."_

There were several things she was doing while she was cleaning the dishes. (She had to wash the dishes. No other member was going to do it. And life be damned if she was going to let the dishes rot and waste. Ugh!) For one, that Deidara hadn't annoyed her for a whole hour. Hour! And two. . .

_"Hmm. . . Hmm. . . Hmm. . ."_

That he was going to annoy her. Some time or the other.

"Hey, there, Konan!" Speak of the devil. Or villain. Or villain's pawn. Or whatever. Yeah, whatever. She liked that.

(Konan rubbed her hands, took her washing gloves off and turned to face him.)

"Hello," she said in a calm, civil manner. But inside she was dying. What was with him. Couldn't he mind his own business? Couldn't he mind that fact that people just didn't like talking to him? Couldn't he _stop being_ _so annoying_? All these things were going through her head.

"Hey." Deidara went over to the sink and looked inside, before scrunching up his nose and moving away. Konan saw this and mentally laughed. Wow. Deidara was scared of dirty dishes. She never knew that.

"I never knew you were scared of dirty dishes," Konan said, smirking ever so slightly. (Konan_ really_ liked voicing her thoughts. Yeah.)

"I'm not scared of them!" Deidara screamed as if the world was on fire, failing his arms about and stepping over his own two feet. Ugh, Konan wondered why Pein had even _let_this lunatic idiot into the Akatsuki. And what sort of skills he had. Because, she was sure he had none. None.

"Oh, really?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes," Deidara said, straightening his t-shirt thingy that looked a bit too big for him. Honestly. There was something ever so slightly wrong with this dude in various areas. Man, she would take up her entire life just too name them all.

Konan was about to say something when Deidara cut her off, with a wave of his arm. (She gritted her teeth. Who did he think he was? Asking her to shut up? She did so, anyway.) "Why do you do the dishes? I know that you're, like, the only woman in the Akatsuki and all but, really, it seems a bit sexist and all."

He was being really sweet, Konan thought. But since Deidara had the award for saying wrong things at the wrong times, he just had to go and ruin it. "I mean, I should be the one bossing you around! Not Leader-sama! Just because he has spikier hair doesn't mean that he- Well, you know," he said, waving his hand in dismissal. (Which made little to no sense to what he said before. God. What was _wrong_ with this dude?)

Kona's eye twitched, "That was what the sweet speech was going to lead up to? Dear, God, I should have never expected something sweet coming out of your mouth. If I do again, I swear, the world's going to burn."

He shrugged in response, "Yeah, well. I can't exactly compliment the fact that you're the Akatsuki's cleaning bitch, now can I?"

She seethed, "Why you little-!" (He ran for it.)

...

_6. Ask what dye she uses in her hair to make it the color blue, don't believe her when she says it's natural._

"I swear to God," Deidara muttered in frustration, "that stupid woman uses all her paper to just wait for the opportunity to cut me."

Kisame rolled his eyes, grinning, showing all his sharp-like teeth, "You sound so emo, which is weird since you're blond." Kisame had been forgiving about all his annoying antics. The others? Not so much. He could just feel their glares on him.

The Akatsuki were waiting for Pein to come and give his speech again about world peace and whatnot.

Deidara shrugged, "Yeah, whatever," he muttered under his breath. "I've never seen her cut you so much." Kisame looked at him weird, but he regarded it was nothing. "Seriously! Damn woman needs anger management classes."

Kisame sighed as Deidara walked away, probably because to annoy the shit out of Konan. This kid would never learn. And he thought it was bad when he had to teach Itachi how to socialize. It seemed he would have to teach Deidara how _not_ to socialize.

...

He never believed that her hair color was natural. Because, really, when had hair ever been blue. He could understand white. Blond(e) white? Fine. White? Fine. Hey, it wasn't old people's faults for being so old. But blue? Heck, no. There was no way that that was natural. It had to be fake. Dyed. A wig even.

"Hey," he greeted her when she was walking down the hall. He was - once again - leaning against a wall - acting all high and macho was definitely his new style.

"What do you want?" she greeted back, annoyed. He guessed that she wasn't going to be exactly civil with him anymore. He didn't exactly blame her. If someone was annoying this much, he would most probably blow them sky-high. But, hey, since it was _him_ doing the annoying. . .

Shrugging just seemed natural to him now. It annoyed the heck out of her even more. He liked to watch her squirm. "Oh, nothing. Just, you know, the fact that I really need to know what kind of dye you used to color your hair blue."

Konan blinked. And blinked. And blinked. "My hair color's natural," she commented dryly, stroking her hair.

Deidara snorted, "Uh, no, it's not. How can anyone have blue hair."

"Kisame has blue hair," she snapped back at him, still stroking his hair.

He raised an eyebrow, "When did I ever say Kisame's hair was natural? Seriously, stop making this up, cleaning lady," he said. Of course the paper cuts he got for that comment earlier didn't do much for him to shut up.

Konan's eyebrows went sky-high and she actually looked ready to kill someone. "I hate Deidara. I hate Deidara. I hate Deidara," was her mantra when she began walking the opposite way, the way she had come from.

Deidara looked at her back as she walked away, before shrugging and getting up. Whatever, it's not like she was going to die anytime soon.

...

_7. Scribble all over her origami like a five year old. Ah, the joys of being a kid again._

A dog. A cat. An ant (well, it looked more like a slodge that had gone wrong somewhere along the line, but, whatever). An elephant.

Deidara smiled as he walked backwards to admire his handiwork. It really was a work of art. He had set up Konan's origami paper on her bed while she was on a mission with Leader-sama. Unlocking her lock was a easy task. And soon afterwards, making sure no one was watching him, he had began to draw on it. Fun.

"Why are you in my room?" asked a female voice, her voice practically dropping with such venom that it could have killed a whole clan. Deidara recognized that voice. It was definitely Konan. Wonderful. Just wonderful. No, really!

Deidara turned around. He smiled at her. "Hello," he said, casually as if her origami paper wasn't scribbled on. (Shh.)

Konan pushed past him and looked at the origami paper that was on her bed in horror, "What did you do?" she asked, turning back to Deidara, quickly.

He shrugged (that was totally his new trademark thingy), "Dunno. Wanted to feel the joys of being a kid again, I suppose."

"You wanted to do what now? Oh, please, what kind of pathetic reason is that?" Deidara shrugged. "Ugh! You useless baboon! Why?!" she screamed, wanting to rip her hair off. (Her hair was so totally natural, shut up.)

Deidara shrugged again. He really didn't like explaining things to this woman. She needed hearing aids, for sure. "Because I felt the need to be a kid again. You gotta let a kid be who he wants to be, slave-driving bitch."

The cussing thing was totally Hidan's fault. Spending time in the presence of the Jashin-worshiper really wasn't doing him any good.

"_You what_?" Konan practically snarled at him. "And don't you dare call me a slave-driving bitch, you _bitch_." Most of the time Konan was for being calm and collected. But not this time. She was finally losing her patience with this guy. He was so freaking annoying!

Before Deidara could even think of moving, Konan set her paper on him (well the ones that were left), and he faltered in his light steps, falling slowly to the ground, before twitching ever so slightly and closing his eyes.

Konan looked at him for a second longer. She shrugged after a minute of utter silence in her bedroom and picked Deidara up from the legs and chucked him in her closet. The one that was filled with nothing but stupid things that she didn't need any more. She closed the closet door.

"That would teach him," she muttered. Walking out of the room, she locked the door and walked towards Nagato's office. This would need some explaining to do. (Her life sucked so much. No, Deidara sucked so much.) "The joys of being a kid: my ass."

...

_8. Complain that she's the reason behind global warming, because of her excessive paper use._

"But it still is," Deidara complained, calmly, about to lose his patience with this guy. Hidan needed to stop cussing so much about how 'hot' he was and talk to Deidara about how much Konan sucked.

"Well, fucking, duh," Hidan replied, rolling his eyes up to heaven. "Konan's the mega-ass bitch that can't shut the fuck up about her motherfucking paper since she's so fucking infatuated with the shit."

Deidara rolled his eyes, realizing that Hidan hadn't been listening to a word he had said. Of _course_ Konan was infatuated with her paper. Anyone blind person could see that. Dear, God. "Well, yeah," he said, putting Konan's love for paper in the trash can in his head for blithering idiots. "I was talking about how she's the cause of global warming and shit."

Hidan seemed to be thinking. Well, his kind of thinking, anyway. Hidan was farr to stupid and simple minded to be come up with anything clever, let alone _think_. The day Hidan started being _smart_ was the day the world was going to end. By Jashin's hands. "Well, fucking, duh."

"What kind of stupid reply is that?" Deidara bit back, annoyed at Hidan's ways of non-consideration of not being able to understand Deidara's point. (The only reason Hidan knew anything about Konan was because he thought she was hot. She rejected him. Oooh, _burn_!)

"Don't fucking know, bitch. Stop fucking asking me such questions."

(Both Deidara and Hidan were in the sitting room. Deidara was drawing - sketching - the flower vase on top of the random table and Hidan was being a pain in the ass and splashing blood everywhere from his earlier sacrifice thingy he did for the pansy-God.)

Deidara got up and walked away from the soon-to-be-mad lunatic. What a bloody idiot.

...

"It's your fault, you know!" he screamed passionately very, very loudly. "It's all because of you!"

(Deidara had entered Konan's room and - dun! Dun! Dun! - pointed his finger at her. . . (Yeah, be jealous. I think.) Deidara had pointed his finger at her, accusingly. (Well. That's a bit more information.) Konan had blissfully ignored him. She couldn't ignore his ranting, though. She was sure Nagato was having a fit about this.)

She blinked several times before sighing and looking him straight in the face, comically, "And what exactly is my fault?" Konan asked, raising both her eyebrows and her arms were folded on her chest.

"I thought that was obvious, slave driver." She twitched very much at that. "Global warming with your excessive paper use."

Konan wasn't stupid. God forbid. She knew why he was blaming her and she felt ever so guilty. (Slightly, anyways.) Even if he was blaming her for a bit of fun. For the lolz (damn him!). "You blow up trees," she commented, dryly. He didn't really think this through.

"Yeah. But blowing things up is _fun_. Getting down tress is _not_," he replied, all high and mighty. Arrogant bastard.

She wasn't even going to bother with this shit. Konan turned on her heel and walked away. Deidara stared, flabbergasted, at her back as she walked away. But he shrugged, she was obviously annoyed. Just wasn't bothered, he supposed.

...

_9. Give yourself a paper cut and complain to Pein how Konan attacked you._

"This won't kill you. This won't kill you. This won't kill you," Deidara said, rocking back and forth on his bed. The things he went through to ensure that everyone was annoyed and he got nothing out of it! Heck, he actually got hurt in the bloody process. God.

Right now, he was waiting anxiously for Konan to come back from her mission with Pein, (God, that sounded _so_ wrong in his head) so he could start annoying the shit outta her again!

Deidara had bad luck. Very bad luck. So no way in hell was he ever going to get that. Heck, no. Kami and Shinigami, hell, even Jashin didn't find him suitable to help. They were all siding with Konan in this one, he was sure.

_Anyways_, here Deidara was, holding the sharp end of a piece of paper near his thumb and hesitating whether or not to prick himself (he was not sleeping beauty!) with it and then tell Pein and get Konan in a ass-load of trouble.

It was a no brainier. He pricked himself and let out a blood-curling scream of pain. (Whatever, it was worth it in the end.)

...

"It _was_ her fault!" Deidara screamed, trying to prove Pein wrong with his stupid '_logical_' assumption. Deidara didn't exactly think adding '_bastard_' was going to make this situation any better. Heck, it might make it worse. Actually, it _will_ make it worse.

"Deidara," Pein sighed as if he wanted to drive a screw through Deidara's skull, "Konan was with me. Therefore she _couldn't_ have paper cut you." _Dear, God, what is wrong with this brat. . .?_

Deidara pointed a finger at Pein accusingly; his face was in pain as he clenched his right thumb. Pein knew it was all a lie, so why was he now reconsidering his reply? "Well, that's what you think. But you're not God," he said, earning a glare from the Akatsuki leader. "Konan is sly, she could have got a clone and paper cut me, you know."

Pein's face was going through several emotions, none of them visible. Should he believe this kid? Or should he not? "I still don't believe you."

Deidara gritted his teeth, from shouting out at the sky that the world seriously needed to start siding with him from time to time. Actually, it needed to side with him now and for all the time. "Fine, then I'm going!"

The moment he was about to move was when Pein told him to wait while he went to fetch Konan and ask her about her so called 'attack'. He didn't stay, though. Deidara fled the moment Leader-sama went to fetch Konan. (Which was a good thing.)

"_DEIDARA, YOU BASTARD_!"

...

_10. Play rock paper scissors with her, keep getting the ones to beat her (somehow) because that annoys her. Well, duh._

"Oh, come on!"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?!"

"No!"

"You're a bitch," Deidara huffed as he sat back down on the sofa. He really thought this would work. Persuade Konan into playing _rock, paper, scissors_ and then beat her. Deidara_never_ lost at _rock, paper, scissors_. He was the master itself. The best of the best. He never lost. _Never_.

Konan was tricky. Sometimes she was vulnerable and could even be killed in a second with his bombs and then he could celebrate before Pein removed parts of his body limb by limb before cooking it and feeding it to the wolfs. Ouch, that had got to hurt.

On the other hand she was strong, loyal and independent. A skillful killer, a _ruthless_ killer. Konan, as far as Deidara has seen, never left anyone in the boundaries of the Akatsuki hideout, _ever_. She was always ready to kill any trespasser, no matter what.

He assumed now, she was in that second hand. The hand where she wasn't vulnerable and instead independent. She was sitting across from him on the navy blue sofa next to the T.V. Konan had the remote. Which sucked. So much.

Konan looked at him, raising an eyebrow, "Well, you're a bastard." Apparently, the lecture she got from Pein an hour ago still hadn't passed. Which sucked even more than the fact that she had the flaming remote.

He went back to begging. Hey, if you fail once, try a second time. Or something like that. "Please. Just once. I won't ask again. There are no stakes as well," she raised her eyebrows at that, "just a game for fun." He bit his tongue from disagreeing with himself. He couldn't even make a bet, otherwise she wouldn't agree. Damn everything that ever existed.

Konan sighed, "Fine."

And so the game began. (Er, sort of.) Honestly, did that sound dramatic - _too_ dramatic - for a game of _rock, paper, scissors_? Yeah? Damn.

For several seconds, the game was on a stalemate. They kept on getting the same ones. Ugh.

But a few seconds later, the game was heating up. Heating up for a game of rock, paper, scissors? God, so, so, so funny! So- I'll just shut up now. Yeah.

But Deidara kept on winning. When Konan got rock, he got paper. When she got scissors, he got rock. When she got paper, he got scissors. And on it went for a few more minutes before Konan finally lost her rag.

Stomping her feet on the ground (well, duh), her eyes twitched (well, duh), and she pointed accusingly at Deidara (well, duh), "You're cheating somehow!" she screamed, breaking off the game and setting herself on the sofa with the remote clasped to her side.

Deidara shrugged which just infuriated her even more, "Not my problem if you can't play the game, sweetheart," he said, walking towards the door. But before he went out of the room, he took a closer look at Konan, to see her eyes furrowed and her eyes twitching in annoyance.

Deidara snickered, before walking out of the room. Result!

...

Reviews are nice. Review please!


	8. ways to annoy the lollipop

8,066 words. Don't own anything.

...

**an annoying spree, of sorts**  
Chapter Four – ways to annoy the lollipop

...

_1. Complain (constantly) about his alter-ego. To everyone. Including him, of course._

"Honestly, though! It's complete and utter bullshit," Deidara said, putting another mouthful of cereal in his mouth. Damn Konan and her healthy nonsense. This had nothing to do with that. She was _so_ getting him back for what he did to her. Honestly, though, he scowled, it wasn't his damn fault if she couldn't take a little light teasing.

Itachi didn't say anything in response. Deidara scowled again, why in fuck's name was he even talking to this prick? Of course, an Uchiha with those kind of grotesque eyes wouldn't understand what he was saying. But, of course, the only seat left when he had come back from taking a shower was Itachi's, which so had something to do with Konan. He sent her a glare, which she smiled at, just to annoy the shit out of him. Fuck her.

"Really, though. I mean," he scowled, this conversation with this bloody bitch was getting nowhere, seemed like Uchiha-loser couldn't taking being annoyed the hell out of, "is that sometimes he's all happy and shit. And other times, he's all moody and acting like he owns the world." Deidara shuddered at the thought. He didn't want to live in a world ruled by _Tobi_. Ugh!

Itachi being the self-centered Itachi prick that he was, still didn't say anything in reply which annoyed Deidara even more, but Deidara being a person not wanting to back down on a challenge, didn't move anywhere.

"He definitely has a alter-ego, Uchiha, I mean, no one can change personalities that fast. It just ain't fucking possible."

Itachi stared at him, "Have you been taking Hidan's swearing classes?"

"The fuck?! Hidan doesn't have fucking swearing classes!" Itachi just gave him the look. Deidara sighed; he really needed a better way to deal with an Uchiha. Because for fuck's sake, they were _smart_. "Fine, I'm taking fucking swearing classes from Hidan. Hey! Doesn't mean I've gone over to the dark side, though. I have better taste that Hidan's fucking pansy-ass God." Deidara fist-pumped the air, "Kami for the win, yeah!"

Itachi slowly got up and left, leaving Deidara to savor his moment of praising Kami. Who, by the way, was not Leader. No matter how much Leader went on about how he was God, he _so_ wasn't. Really.

...

"Deidara," Kisame said, rubbing his forehead, "I really don't want to know that Tobi has a alter-ego," he smirked, "it is pretty obvious, you know."

"Duh," Deidara said, causing Kisame to twitch, "that's the problem, you gay fish," which also made Kisame twitch, "Leader doesn't do anything about it, dumbass! Why do you think that is?"

"Why're you asking me for?" Kisame asked, in reply. "I'm not exactly someone who would know these type of things and who cares any? Tobi is that annoying little kid who can't shut up and then that personality goes to something badass and creepy in some pedophilia sense," Kisame shrugged, "who _freaking_ cares?"

"I freaking care!" he shouted, flaying his arms about and glaring at Kisame, a glare that could rival . . . the best glare in the world. Duh. "I'm not like you who don't freaking give two shits about life and important stuff because Itachi can to it all for you-"

"Dude, you're making no sense."

"-and then you just sit there like nobody gives two shits that you didn't do nothing!" he said, correcting it to, 'anything', in case Sasori and his fucking stupidness was anywhere near him. "And don't you dare interrupt me with your useless shit because, news flash, _you_ make no sense."

Kisame rolled his eyes, "Yeah, whatever." Deidara fumed. He just couldn't freaking understand why people didn't get why Tobi have a alter-ego wasn't a cause of concern or shit. _He_ definitely thought it was a cause of concern. But _no_, these stupid people didn't understand anything for crying out-loud.

"Don't 'whatever' me! Kisame-danna," he used, so he could get the gay fish on his side, "we have to do something about this new predicament before Tobi - God forbid - takes over the world and we're all doomed." Deidara put a hand to his hip, "Dude, you suck, you know that?" he said after Kisame failed to notice that this situation was serious.

Kisame rolled his eyes and walked away. Deidara stared into space for a few minutes before huffing and walking away. Damn gay fishes.

...

After much time talking to other people about Tobi's alter-ego (and his uselessness to the organization) Deidara finnaly put his foot down, turned his mouth into a thin line and walked towards Tobi's room. He swore to God, if this backfired, he was so have a talk with Pein.

(_"Go bloody talk to him, Deidara. Stop annoying the shit out of everyone."_

_". . .You've been taking Hidan's swearing classes for the 'gifted and talented' haven't you?"_

_". . ."_

_"I thought so. You know it really hasn't helped you. The way you fucking swear has nothing on the way I fucking swear."_

_"Deidara?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"You're swearing to much."_

_". . .I'll just leave. Shall I?"_

_"Yeah. You do that."_)

"Tobi, you bastard! Open the door before I blow you up!" he called and knocked on the door. This was so freaking annoying, and he was supposed to be annoying the shit out of everyone, for heaven's sake!

"But Tobi doesn't want to open the door!" Deidara twitched. There it was again. That stupid use for third-person speech would get annoying about the second time you used it. Actually, no. It got annoying about the first time you used it. Solution to not come off as weird and . . . weird? Don't use it in the first place!

"Tobi, I swear to go, I am this close," he made a signal with his fingers despite Tobi not being able to see because of, uh, the door between him and the room, "to blowing your whole room up, so, get out here before I do just that!"

"But Tobi doesn't want to come out because Tobi is scared of what Dei-sempai will do to Tobi!" Stupid bloody use of third-person speech.

Deidara's eyes twitched for about the millionth time that day. It really seemed Tobi was the one out to annoy him to hell, rather than the other way round. "Tobi. . .," he threatened. "Get out here," he drawled, exasperated. This was exhausting . . . and annoying. "And don't even call me 'Dei-sempai' again," he added, as a afterthought.

"OK! Tobi," Deidara twitched, "will come out soon!"

"Actually, no," Deidara said, shouting through the door, stopping Tobi in his tracks, "forget it, you stay in your room and I'll just . . . go."

Tobi's voice sounded confused, "OK, Deidara-sempei, but Tobi thought that Deidara-sempei wanted Tobi to come outside and do or talk with Deidara-sempei, does Deidara-sempei not want that anymore?"

"No, Tobi," he said, gritting his teeth, as if he was in pain, and he very well might be. Talking to Tobi was hard work, after all. "I'm going."

"OK, Deidara-sempei, Tobi wishes the best for you!"

Deidara's head throbbed more than ever, "Yeah, whatever." Annoying Tobi operation was turning out to be annoy-Tobi-so-you-could-get-annoyed-back operation, which was stupid, since it was only the beginning of Tobi's-turned-Deidara's torture.

_Whatever,_ Deidara thought; _the next one will be much better and annoy the douche bag instead of me._

_..._

_2. Take his mask off of his face and use it as a basketball. Complain when it doesn't work because complaining is fun._

"This is so fucking stupid, are you in love with the fucking bitch or what? Why for fuck's sake are we staring at him secretly from afar? Which sounds really cheesy and gross and I think I'm going to puke anytime soon," Hidan said.

"Will you shut you big fat fucking mouth, you asshole? Honestly, I swear to god that you're louder than some dog asking for freaking food. Just shut the fudge up, will ya?" Deidara seethed, taking Hidan back a few dog-years.

"_You_ shut the fuck up," Hidan started, "I have no fucking time for your bloody bitchiness this morning. How did you even fucking get me to do this fucking . . . thing?"

"Why're you asking?" Deidara raised an eyebrow in (mock) astonishment, "You too stupid or something? Or do you just have bad memory, asshole?" Hidan glared at him, about to open his damn mouth but Deidara cut him to it. "Dude, don't get so fucking bitchy about it, I was only kidding. I'm coming to your classes and paying you for this so be quite and shut up.

"Honestly, I think I'm getting a migraine and I don't even getting a migraine," he said, rubbing his forehead.

"Yeah?" Hidan asked, "So then don't be so fucking snark-y about it, motherfucker. Otherwise I'm out of here before you can fucking say 'Hidan's awesome'."

"Yeah," Deidara muttered, quiet enough for Hidan not to hear him, "like I would ever say that. Pfft! 'Hidan's awesome' my ass."

"You fucking say something?" Hidan muttered, looking at Deidara with a suspicious eye.

"No. Nothing," Deidara drawled, annoyed and bored at the same time. He should have asked Kisame to help him. At least the gay fish could keep quiet, unlike this retarded nut-job.

"OK, good," Hidan said. . . . And then he walked away.

"What? No! Wait! Come back, Hidan!"

...

After much hassle caused by Hidan and his stupidness, Deidara was finally getting somewhere. Ctaching up to Hidan was too much of a bother, so he didn't even try. So what was the hassle? Tobi. Tobi had heard everything. Therefore he had to move to a safer location and still be able to see the guy without getting caught. Damn Hidan.

"But Tobi thinks there is someone out there, Zetsu-san! Tobi thinks that Zetsu-san is doing this on purpose to annoy Tobi! Mean, Zetsu-san!"

"Tobi, _yes, Tobi_," Deidara could see the poor guy rubbing his temple, "be quite, _please, before I eat you. _I would really eat you. _Yes, I will. _No, seriously, I won't," Zetsu said, trying hard not to argue with himself. "_But I will_."

"Zersu-san!" Tobi huffed, "Tobi thinks you are lying to Tobi, and Tobi believes that Zetsu-san is just trying to scare Tobi and take Tobi's mind off the scary thing over," he pointed near Deidara's location, "there."

"No, Tobi, _Tobi listen before I kill you, _I won't really kill you. _Yes, I will. _Don't believe me. Ahem," Zetsu cleared his throat, "anyway, I am not trying to take your mind off that scary thing, _yes, I am, _over there."

"Zetsu-san," Tobi narrowed his eyes in childish suspicion, "are you lying to Tobi? Zetsu-san won't really kill Tobi, will Zetsu-san?"

"No, I wo-_will, _I promi-_I break the promise, _no, I don't, _don't believe me, _believe me, Tobi," Zetsu said, freaking the hell out of Tobi and giving Deidara, who was still there, a migraine. He left the scene before those two could continue talking.

...

"Hey, Tobi!" Deidara said, making his way to the lollipop-faced delinquent who was eating cereal at midday. Oh, for heaven's sake, the world was lost. "Give me that!" he shouted, and before Tobi himself knew what was going on, Deidara had his mask. (Though Tobi had a mask under that mask anyway. Deidara twitched.)

"Ah, Deidara-sempei! Give Tobi's mask back! Deidara-sempei!" Tobi screamed, whining.

"Nah-uh, Tobi. Move over, move over," Deidara said, when Tobi started approaching him. Didn't the kid know that he needed personal space here? Apparently not.

"Deidara-sempei! Why does Deidara-sempei have Tobi's first mask, anyway? Does Deidara-sempei want to cohabit with it?" Tobi asked, making Deidara sweat drop and wonder if killing this guy wasn't going to get him banished.

"No, Tobi, I do not want to cohabit - in simply forms - I do not want to have sex," which made Tobi cringe, looked like the guy still wasn't mature enough for such words, despite knowing a word like _cohabit_, "with your freaking mask."

"Then why does Deidara-sempei want to play with Tobi's mask?"

"Because it looks like a flat basketball, and if we . . .," Deidara got out a basketball pumper out of nowhere . . . did they even have those? "Pump it; we'll have an awesome basketball to play with. We're freaking broke, you know. Kakuzu, that asshole, doesn't want us to spend any money because he's a prick like that."

"Um, OK, Deidara-sempei. . .?"

"Ah, damn it doesn't work!" Deidara complained, after bouncing the mask on the floor. "Why doesn't it work? Are you freaking kidding me here, Tobi?! I demand a refund! I demand a refund. Why aren't you listening to me, you prick?! You know what?" Tobi shook his head. "I'm off because of your fucking asshole-ness. Goodbye," he said, calmly, before leaving the room.

"Tobi thinks that Deidara-sempei has gone mad, Zetsu-san."

"Hmm," Zetsu, who had appeared after making-out with a plant, said, "yes, Tobi, I think he has."

...

_3. Take of his mask (somehow) and take pictures of his messed-up face (or the mask under the mask, which might not be so ugly)._

After his failure with the last encounter with Tobi's mask, Deidara decided that this annoyee way was going to have something to do with his mask. Yes, again. Because Deidara was just so cool like that. And stuff happened. Yeah.

The camera in his hand was heavy as hell. (Not that he would know how heavy hell was, since he'd never been to the place. Really!) But, seriously, to annoy Tobi, Deidara would freaking do anything.

"What is that, Deidara-sempei?" the bane of Deidara's existence asked, prancing around like some fucked-up school girl. You can choose anything you want from that sentence. Tobi - dare Deidara even say the guys name - was pointing at Deidara-s camera, bouncing like a retarded bunny.

"Nothing," Deidara replied blandly, his eyes looking bored, "hey, dude," he refused to say the guys name, "what _are_ you wearing?"

"Oh, this!" he pointed at his attire, which consisted of rainbow colored shorts and a pink t-shit that said '_all barbies unite!_'. Seriously. Deidara didn't even know anymore- "Tobi thought it would be perfect clothing for such a sunny day! Doesn't Deidara-sempei think the same?" -What was worse was the the guy was still wearing his mask. Damn everything.

"Yeah, whatever, dude, give me your mask."

"Oh, OK!"

Deidara blinked. Well, that was relatively easy, he thought, forgetting that Tobi - the prick - always had another mask under his first one. Stupid boy.

"Here, Tobi gives you the mask, Deidara-sempei!" Tobi said, after taking off his mask, and handing it over to Deidara, all happy-go-lucky.

"Tobi. . .," Deidara seethed, "you have a mask under your mask," he finished, finally remembering that Tobi always had a mask under his mask.

"Yes, Deidara-sempei!" Tobi nodded, still all happy-go-lucky.

"Why?"

"Because what if someone wants to take pictures," to this Deidara whistled, "of Tobi's face and Tobi wasn't smart enough to prevent it? Tobi thinks that this is the safest way! Doesn't Deidara-sempei think so too?"

_Oh, my god, I hate this guy. Hope he burns in hell when he gets there. Actually, wait, we're all going to burn in hell. Forget that, _Deidara thought, seething, once again. "Tobi," huzzah! -he finally said the guys name, "you're something else, you know that?" And then he got his camera out and started taking pictures. Tobi just stood there, stunned.

"No! No! Deidara-sempei! Nobody must know about Tobi's eyes or any of Tobi's face even if it is only a little teeny bit. Please stop taking pictures, Deidara-sempei!"

Deidara, of course, being the prick he was, didn't stop.

"Please, Deidara-sempei! If Deidara-sempei does, then Tobi will not tell anyone that Deidara-sempei is the youngest out of them all."

Deidara stopped. "I'm not the youngest, asshole! Don't go around spreading rumors! You're the youngest, loser! Don't lie to yourself."

"No, Deidara-sempei," Tobi grinned cheekily, "Tobi is about thirty. Deidara-sempei is only nineteen."

"ARGHH! You know what? I'm going to go because you just seem to love lying and I - of course - don't spend time with worthless people such as you, you can't - and I don't even know why - talk in first person. Do you know how infuriating that is, you motherfucker-"

"Deidara-sempei must not lie! Deidara-sempei might become like Hidan and that is bad."

"-? First of all, slap yourself for interrupting! Bad person!" Tobi teared up a little. "Second of all, I hate spending time with you, even if I'm just bored and nobody is forcing me. I DAMN RIGHT HATE YOU!" And with that (an annoyed) Deidara was off, leaving a crying Tobi behind. Served that asshole right.

...

_4. Refuse to give him sugar. Kick him several times when he gets annoying._

"Sugar!" Deidara shouted one day, out of the blue, sitting down on the kitchen table.

"What about sugar?" Konan asked, every so sweetly, with such a sickly sweet smile on her face, that is was stupid and infuriating.

"Yeah, motherfucker. What about the fucking sugar, asshole?" Three guesses for whoever that was.

"Deidara, please refrain from sprouting random words when we are eating," Pein said, not even looking up, "it increases choking rates. Oh, and also Konan is on her period-"

"Don't tell that to the whole world!" Konan shouted, her cheeks tinted red.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid I didn't know that you are afraid of telling people what is called nature, and womanly necessities for childbirth," Pein said, still not looking up from his toast, to a now red-faced Konan, who looked ready to blow.

"Pein!" She, of course, didn't attack the Leader. She was too in love with the guy to do that. And it would probably cause uproar.

"Um, hello?" Deidara asked, irritated. "This isn't about Konan's period-" Konan however was not in love with Deidara and hitting Deidara would not cause uproar. "OW! Bloody bitch!" Konan just smiled sweetly at him, before sitting back to where she was before. "Anyway," he continued, rubbing his forehead, "we can't give Tobi sugar anymore. The guy gets cray-cray when we do."

"Cray-Cray?" Kisame asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Crazy," Deidara answered, but swatted Kisame's question as if it was mindless stupidness that didn't need to be stated outright. "The guy goes insane - and I'm pretty sure he does it on purpose - when we give him sugar."

"None of us gives him sugar, Deidara," Itachi said, with a emotionless face, he was after all capable of speech, despite everything.

"OK, fine, I think it's only me, but tell me not to next time, OK? Because the guy is damn persuasive and he has this weird old creepy gay pedophile voice that's, you know, really creepy." Pein's eyes widened a fracture then, though it wasn't noticed by Deidara. "I hate the guy, you know."

"You have to stop saying 'you know', frankly, it's really annoying," Kakuzu chirped in, loving to annoy Deidara after said guy annoyed him.

"You know, the other day I, you know, saw Tobi, who was, you know, really weird and creepy and, you know, pedophilish. You know, it was really, you know, gross."

Kakuzu twitched, "Whatever, we will tell you not to give sugar to Tobi. Now, please, go." Deidara obliged, he hated sitting next to the money-whore, anyway.

...

"But Tobi wants sugar. _I want sugar_. Please give Tobi sugar! _Give me sugar_." Tobi had, once again, went into his childish/pedophile persona, which was creepy and disgusting and weird. He sounded like Zetsu, just more disturbing. Deidara, after all, was used to Zetsu. He was _not_ used to this Tobi.

"No." This was hard.

"Please! Tobi would love," Deidara backed away, slowly. He was not a homosexual, "Deidara-sempei forever if he gave _me sugar. _Please?! Please, Deidara-sempei? _JUST GIVE ME SOME DAMN SUGAR. _PLEASE?"

"No."

"Please, Deidara-sempei."

". . . No."

"_Give me sugar_."

"Nuh-uh!" Maybe if he tried to act all casual, this pedophilia/childish Tobi would see and stop asking for sugar. SUGAR WAS _EVIL_.

"_GIVE ME SUGAR_."

". . . N-no."

"Please, Deidara-sempei! Tobi really does love sugar and would die without it-" _So, if sugar didn't exist, you would die, huh? _"-so please _give me some damn sugar. Don't make me hurt you_." This was the part where Deidara would get freaked out and give Tobi sugar, albeit reluctantly. This time it would be different, he didn't need to see Tobi molester the bed. JUST NO.

"_GIVE ME SUGAR, DAMN IT_!"

...

"What do you think he's doing in there?" Kisame asked, craning his neck so it could be slightly near the door.

"Molesting the bed, no question. Probably having sex with it, also. You never know with that guy," Deidara answered, casually, his back leaning against the wall, and his arms at the back of his head.

Pein looked at Kakuzu, "I thought you were the one to warn Deidara not to give sugar to . . .," Pein pointed at the door, "him. No, I am sure you are the one, why did you not do so? Kakuzu, I am waiting for an answer here."

Kakuzu looked away, embarrassed, but not before he glared intensely at Deidara, said person casually ignoring and whistling. ". . .I forgot."

Pein looked at him, "Are you so sure? I do not take you for the forgetting type. After all, you are looking after all the money." Deidara looked at Pein. "No, I do not know how I got drunk when I put Kakuzu in charge, please don't ask." Kakuzu twitched.

"He just moaned," Konan said, "that's weird." Deidara gave her a look that just screamed '_this is Tobi we're talking about_!' "OK, fine, it's not that weird. This is Tobi, after all." Then she smiled at Deidara, which angered him to no end. Can't she left a grudge go, for heaven's sake?

"I'm going to go," Itachi said.

"Nobody asked you to stay, anyway, you can go," Deidara sneered, annoyed by Konan to give two shits about Itachi, not that he gived tow shits about the guy in the first place, and vice versa.

"Yeah," Itachi replied, curtly, before leaving the rest of Akatsuki to listen to Tobi's disturbed sounds.

"I think we should go," Konan suggested, after seeing the disturbed looks on the other members faces. She didn't even know why they had to stay out here, anyway?

"Well, fucking duh. What do you fucking think, bitch? That we fucking stay here and do fucking shit?"

Konan frowned, "I never said that. I only said I think we should go."

Pein got into the conversation before anything drastic happened between the two that resulted into broken ribs and other weird and grotesque things. Hidan happened to be in this, after all. "Yes, I think we should go." This was the Leader speaking, nobody could defy him, without getting the look and bashed against the wall.

So they went, Deidara following, of course, he didn't want to hear Tobi and his moans and sighs of pleasure, ugh, just gross. "Hey, wait for me, assholes!"

"Brilliant, Deidara, you're fucking learning from the best."

"Shut up, Hidan. I'm not, in anyway, your student."

"You fucking shut up, asshole. Motherfuckers have you as their king, after all."

". . ."

"Yeah, fucking can't speak back to that, can you, bitch?"

...

_5. Whenever he says he's a good boy, yell at him for being a bad boy. Oh, and ignore him._

"I think I just died a little," Deidara said, watching Tobi dance. "That," he pointed to Tobi, "should never be unleashed to the world. It's an abomination. Gross, in other words. And him shouting 'good boy!' every two seconds isn't helping."

"And I care because?" Kisame said. "Honestly, Deidara, say these things to Zetsu or someone who gives two shits about the kid. In simpler words, since you wouldn't have been able to understand the last sentence, " Deidara seethed, "I don't care. Talk to someone else."

"Nah," the bomber said in reply, "you're way too fun to mess with. I think I'm going to stay here for some more time. Hope you don't mind?" Deidara twitched when he saw Tobi do the salsa. Well, he assumed it was the salsa, he didn't know these things.

"The things I do for this organization," Kisame muttered though Deidara was able to here it, "and this idiot is who I get landed with? Wow. My life sucks big time. I wonder what Itachi's doing. . ."

"Uh, hello," Deidara said, waving his hand in front of Kisame's face, "I can hear you, you know. So shut that trap or yours and try being nice. Please. Oh, and listen to me, because Kisame-danna," he said, sweetening up, "we need to abolish Tobi before he ends up taking over the world."

Kisame rolled his eyes, "Tobi will not take over the world. Him taking over the world will mean that he has to be smart and that, Deidara, is something he is not. So, you shut your trap and listen to me. Oh, and what happened to your swearing problem?"

"It wasn't a swearing problem! I just happened to be in a Hidan phase, it passed," he sighed a breath of relief, "thank God. And anyway, just because Tobi isn't smart - Tobi, you idiot, stop saying your a good boy, 'cause you not, you're very, very bad - now where was I? Oh, yes. Just because the idiot isn't smart doesn't mean-"

"Tobi is a good boy, Deidara-sempei! Tobi has done very good things in Tobi's life, right, Kisame-san?" He didn't give Kisame enough time to reply. "And Tobi thinks that Deidara-sempei is very, very mean."

"I don't care what you think about me, Tobi. I happen to have, like all normal people, opinions about everyone-"

"Oh?" Kisame said. "Then what's your opinion about me? Or I'm I not a person? Because I happen to recall you calling me a fish sometime ago. Sad times," he said, nodding. "Sad times."

"My opinion about you," Deidara said, pointing at Kisame, "is that you're a big fat blue fish that happens to be gay. Hence the name, Gay Fish. Sweet times, I think you meant, Kisame-danna." Deidara nodded. "Sweet times."

Kisame twitched, "I'm not gay. For heaven's sake, you're more gay than me - and no, that doesn't not mean I'm gay - with that long blond hair. I mean, have you seen your back? If you turn around and nobody has known you before, then they'll definitely think you're a girl."

"Oh, please, Kisame-danna, just 'cause I have long hair doesn't mean that I'm gay. I happen to just like it long. And besides, Kakuzu's hair's long, is he gay? (I think he is, but that's beside the point.) Itachi's hair's long as well, does that make your fellow teammate gay?"

"Um, Deidara-sempei. Tobi, being the good boy that he is, thinks that Itachi is not gay-"

"Tobi, nobody really cares about what you have to say, so just stuff it already, will ya? Because I think the world'll be dying slowly if you talk again. So do it a favor and, um, don't talk, yeah? Yeah," Deidara said.

Tobi sniffed, in the most pathetic way possible, "But Tobi is a good boy! Tobi thinks that Deidara-sempei should consider-"

Deidara hummed, "Consider, huh? Didn't know the world was in your vocabulary. Excuse me, will you? I was having a _serious_ conversation with Kisa- Wait, where did Kisame go? Oh, dear god. He left me with you, didn't he?" Deidara said, pointing at Tobi. "I hate that guy!"

Tobi went on ranting, "And Tobi is a good boy-"

"God damn it! You're not a good boy! You're a bad one! And I think that-"

"-so I think that Deidara should consider-"

"There it is again! Consider! Please, Tobi, do you even know what the word means?" he asked, getting rather annoyed himself.

"Yes, Tobi does! Look," he brought a dictionary out of nowhere, Deidara twitched, "it means: think carefully about (something), typically before making a decision. Some of the synonyms that Tobi can see are: think, regard, ponder-"

"I don't want to know, safe me from dying a horrible death by your stupid talking by not, um, _talking_, perhaps? And you're not a good boy!" And then he turned on his heel (no, he wasn't wearing high heels) and left the room, slamming the door after him.

Tobi scratched his head, "Tobi wonders what he did to annoy Deidara-sempei. Hmm. . . ."

...

_6. Keep calling him an Uchiha. Do this repeatedly. Do this in front of Itachi, also. Do this whenever._

". . .I'm not lying, you know. I mean, have you seen his eyes? They're like identical to Itachi's!"

"Deidara, please, I know that they look like Itachi's, it doesn't, however, mean that he's an Uchiha," Pein replied, trying to finish the smoothie Konan had prepared for him. Deidara could've gagged, bloody stupid love fests' make him disgusted.

"Who is an Uchiha, Leader-sama?" Tobi asked, coming to - _do you know what he did? Do you _know_? _- sit beside Deidara, who etched away from Tobi by a few inches. Disgusting Uchiha's and their stupidness.

"Nobody Tobi," Pein said, pinching the tip of his nose, "now if you don't mind, I'd like to have some time to myself and finish my smoothie." Both, Deidara and Tobi, stayed put. "Hello, have you two gone death or something?"

"Or something." Deidara waved his hand, "But that's beside the point," he said, looking at Tobi, "hey, are you an Uchiha or something. 'Cause, you know, you have the black hair and the sharingan eyes, well, all I saw was red. But, hey, it can't be _just_ a _coincidence_. So, like, are you?"

Unknown to Deidara, Tobi twitched. _Stupid little brat, _his other mature self thought. "Of course not, Deidara-sempei! Tobi is only a normal kid that hasn't got anything to do with Uchiha's! Really!"

Pein raised his eyebrows, "Way to be subtle about it." Tobi commanded him with his eyes, _Shut up._

"Are you sure, loser?" Tobi twitched. "Because, I dunno, there's something about you that just screams '_STUPID UCHIHA, BACK AWAY_'. Hmm, dunno what though. . ."

_Stupid insolent little child, does he not know who I am? Does he not know? _"Tobi thinks it must be the same place where '_STUPID BOMBER, BACK AWAY' _comes from, ne, Deidara-sempei!?" he suggested, innocently. But inside he was thinking, _heh, let's see how he likes that. . ._

"You know, Tobi," Deidara started, Pein got up and left before anyone could die, "you really have a knack at annoying people, you know that? 'Cause, like, I really hate to break it to you, but sooner or later you're gonna die, if you don't stop with annoying people."

"Deidara-sempei thinks so? Tobi thinks so too!"

"It wasn't a compliment, BAKA!"

...

"Hey, Uchiha," Deidara called out. Itachi turned to face him with a blank expression that just screamed '_REALLY? REALLY? You dare show yourself in my godlike presence? Shame on you_'. Deidara twitched. "Not you, you stupid oaf. I was talking about the other Uchiha."

"My foolish little brother isn't here. Go look elsewhere," Itachi replied, still with the infuriating blank look on his face. "And even if he was here, I'm sure he has more suitable things to do with his time, than to . . . play with you."

Deidara twitched once again. "You sound like I'm some child molester. If you haven't noticed, I haven't even reached eighteen. And, by the way, I've never known you to be some to speak so much. Oh, also, a few episodes ago you were, like, denying you had a younger brother, so, do you_ like _contradicting yourself?" He gave Itachi the look that screamed '_Hah! Let's see your stupid mouth come up with something better!_'.

"Your brain must have gone fuzzy. I've never denied having a younger brother. Shame on you for lying."

"Ugh, whatever. What I meant by other Uchiha," Deidara tried, "was Tobi."

"Tobi's not an Uchiha," Itachi deadpanned.

"Yeah, he is," Deidara said. "He's even got those swirly red eyes."

"Have you seen these so-called swirly red eyes?"

"Well, no," Deidara started, "but they're red, so I'm pretty sure they're the sharingan-"

"You have no proof."

"What the hell do you want me to do? Go up to him and and take his mask off?"

"Yes. That way, you'll have solid proof."

"You know what? You're impossible. Absolutely impossible." Deidara turned to leave. . .

"I think you meant improbable. If I was impossible, I wouldn't be able to exist. But I do," Itachi said, going back to whatever the hell he was doing before Deidara came and ruined his 'alone time'.

Deidara twitched for about the millionth time that day. "Oh, why do I even bother? . . ."

...

"Tobi, you're an Uchiha, right?" Deidara said. They were sitting on the breakfast table (which was also the lunch and dinner (or supper) table). There was only Tobi, Deidara and Itachi here this time.

". . ." For once Tobi was incapable of babbling.

"See!" Deidara pointed at Itachi. "I told you he was an Uchiha," he said, crossing his arms.

"He didn't say anything."

"Come now, Tobi, tell your nephew-"

"How do you know he's my uncle? I'm pretty sure you called him a kid," Itachi said, not looking up, which was frustrating.

"Well . . .," Deidara started, "I just have this hunch-"

"You have a hunch," Itachi repeated, dumbfounded by Deidara's extreme stupidness, though, of course, he didn't show it.

"Duh," Deidara said, rolling his eyes, "that's what I said, wasn't it? Honestly, sometimes I wonder if you're deaf as well as blind."

"I'm not blind."

"Oh, sure, you're not-"

Tobi butted in, "I don't think Itachi-san is blind. I just think he's nearly blind."

"Thank you, Tobi," Itachi said, dryly, "that's helps very much."

"You're welcome, Itachi-san!"

"Please, Tobi," Deidara said, rolling his eyes, "even I could tell that was sarcasm. The reason Itachi's talking so much, that, however, I don't know. And besides," Deidara added, "now that we know Tobi's an Uchiha - DON'T TRY TO DENY IT, I KNOW _ALL_ - everything's sorted. Now, if you don't mind-"

"We don't," Itachi replied for the both of them, with a slight smirk to his lips.

"-I'll be on my way," Deidara finished, ignoring his arch nemesis. "Stupid Uchiha's. . ."

...

_7. Play hide and go seek with him, don't even go and look for him._

"But Tobi wants to play!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?!"

"No!"

"Tobi thinks Deidara-sempei is very, very mean."

"So you've said before," Deidara said, rolling his eyes.

What Tobi had been doing for the past few minutes was try to get Deidara to play hide and go seek (or just hide and seek) with him. Which was, like, an epic failure, since Deidara, _obviously_, had far better things to do with his time than to . . . play with a little kid. And no, he wasn't a child molester, despite how creepy the previous sentence sounded.

"BUT TOBI WANTS TO PLAY! PLEASE, DEIDARA-SEMPEI?! TOBI'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER!"

"Um, Tobi, I know this might sound weird, but here we go. . . Despite contrary belief I really don't _want_ you to love me forever. It's actually rather disturbing and you sound, like, some high school chick that's on high."

"BUT TOBI'S NOT ON HIGH!" Deidara raised his eyebrows. "IT'S ALL HIDAN-SAN'S FAULT, TOBI ASSURES YOU!"

"Yes, blame everything on my second arch nemesis, why don't you," Deidara commented, dryly.

"BUT TOBI SAID-"

"Stop freaking speaking with such a loud voice!"

"BUT - But Tobi said that it was all Hidan-san's fault."

"Yeah, I know."

"Then why did Dei- Oh. OH! TOBI GET'S IT! HIDAN-SAN IS YOUR SECOND-"

"TOBI! STOP IT WITH THE FREAKING SHOUTING ALREADY. I THINK MY EAR DRUMS BURST, YOUR NINCOMPOOP!"

"BUT-" Deidara gave him the _look_ (yes, that one. Isn't it so damn scary looking?), "-Deidara-sempei just shouted," Tobi said, testing high waters.

Deidara twitched uncontrollably. "GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! AND IF YOU THINK I'M PLAYING HIDE AND GO SEEK WITH YOU NOW, THEN YOU REALLY MUST BE STUPID. GOOD. BYE." He slammed the door leaving a stunned Tobi behind.

...

"Please, Deidara-sempei!? Tobi will not do anything bad again and Tobi will do all the chores around the house - all Deidara-sempei's chores - and Tobi will never annoy Deidara-sempei again and Tobi will never be a bad boy again and-"

"Oh, my god. Shut up, will ya? I will never be able to hear again because of you," Deidara pointed a finger at Tobi accusingly, "and I'm never going to believe you. You know why? YOU KNOW WHY? - Tobi, I'm asking you something!"

"No," Tobi answered meekly. _Stupid brat, I can't believe that I can't do anything about this. . ._

"Because you a big fat liar! That's why. And don't try to deny it, you freaking asshole. I swear to god, sometimes I think that your purpose in life is to annoy the freaking daylights outta me. This is PATHETIC. PATHETIC, I TELL YOU!"

"Tobi understands," Tobi muttered, scared with the crazed look Deidara had in his eyes. Well, he looked scared, if anything. You couldn't really tell with that mask on.

"Good! _Now_ let's play hide and go seek!" he said, snickering at the brilliant idea he had in his head. The look (or lack of) on Tobi's face would be priceless. Priceless. Or the yelling would be priceless. Whatever.

Tobi blinked, which Deidara couldn't see, and said, "O . . . OK!"

...

"Tobi, where are you_~?_" Deidara murmured, half-heartily. "Come out before Hidan swears your ears off_~! _It's happened to me before," he said, in a sing-song voice, "I should know," he finished off. Deidara stood up from his crouching position and sat down on the nearest chair. (Why the leader had said chairs everywhere was beyond him.)

He snickered and waited for Tobi to freak out.

...

_It's so dark in here_, Tobi thought. And - and was that - was that a . . . _mouse_? Tobi screamed.

...

_About time_, Deidara thought. _I thought he'd never scream._ The thought of Tobi screaming his sorry little pants off made Deidara pleased and satisfied. After all the trouble he was put through, he didn't mind if the 'poor' guy died. Good riddance to bad rubbish, or something like that.

He sighed, got up and went and searched for the stupid asshole.

...

"TOBI, SHUT THE HELL UP! I'M TRYING TO BE VERY NICE HERE! TOBI!"

"_NO_," Tobi said, getting his alter ego on, "_I WILL NOT CALM DOWN OR SHUT THE HELL UP! YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEARCH FOR ME AND - AND I WAS NEARLY EATEN BY - BY A - A MOUSE! A MOUSE!_"

"I'M SORRY, OK? HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU'D HIDE IN KAKUZU'S ROOM! I'M NOT BLOODY PHYSIC, NOW I'M I?!" Deidara said, shaking his hands into fist. He was surprised by Tobi's usage of the first and second person. Quite disturbed and petrified as well.

"_OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT PHYSIC! YOU'RE A BLOODY FAILURE. AN EPIC - ACTUALLY NO, YOU'RE NOT EPIC - FAILURE! I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF YOU DIED SOON! GOOD. BYE!_"

"FINE THEN! BYE!"

Doors slammed simultaneously.

...

_8. Yell: "My Uchiha senses are tingling!" whenever he walks into the room._

Ever since his argument with Tobi, Deidara had felt more and more sullen to actually participate in his annoying game, despite it being made up by him, and also the fact that nobody else was going to do his job, anyway. Deidara sighed, his life sucked.

Well, maybe participating in his own game might bring up his spirits? Yeah, Deidara thought, let's go with that. So he thought and thought and finally came up with something good. Sighing (because his life sucked), Deidara set out for the living room.

...

Tobi wasn't exactly happy. Fuck that, he was downright furious. Both him and his much more 'mature' alter-ego. That kid should show him respect, damn it! This was all Pein's fault, telling him that he wasn't allowed to tell the others his true self. Fudge (an alternative for the word 'Fuck')!

Sighing horribly and saying shit like "Tobi is a good boy! Tobi is a good boy!" he set out for the living room, hopefully to not see the bane of his existence there. He really should stop wishing such impossible things.

...

"My Uchiha senses are tingling!" Deidara said, when Tobi walked in, AND IT JUST HAD TO BE THE SAME TIME WHEN ITACHI WALKED IN AS WELL, DIDN'T IT?

"Deidara, you already know that I'm I Uchiha," Itachi deadpanned. "You really don't have to say-"

"Um, Itachi-san, Tobi thinks he meant-"

"Yes, I know he meant the both of us. Be quite, Tobi. I'm trying to help you here." He turned around to face Deidara and continued what he was about to say, "Really, Deidara? I am a Uchiha. But what gives you the impression that Tobi is?"

"Fuck! This is going to be some fucking awesome verbal fight!" Hidan said, on the edge of his seat. The rest of the Akatsuki were here too. Konan and Pein were having some eye-to-eye love fest. Kisame was bored, Hidan excited, Kakuzu bored (and, of course, counting his money), and Zetsu was eating lettuce.

"Because," Deidara rolled his eyes, "they guy has black hair and sharingan eyes, perhaps?"

"How do you know he has sharingan eyes, did you see them properly?" Itachi asked, making Deidara look like a stupid half-bunny half-rhino. "Or are you just assuming?"

"Look," he started, "Itachi, we've already been over this. He has red eyes, and, yes, I am assuming they are the sharingan. And he has black hair, you can't really say that he's not an Uchiha."

"Kurenai Yuhi has red eyes and black hair, and she's not an Uchiha," Itachi countered back whilst Deidara twitched uncontrollably. He put his hands up in the air a second later exclaiming, "Whatever! I'm off, staying in the same room as Tobi is making me want to puke. But," he pointed at Tobi, "my Uchiha senses are still tingling!"

He strode away.

...

_9. Keep calling him Madara even though he actually really isn't._

_Hey, Uchiha Madara, what're you up to?_

_Hey, Tobi! I know you're Uchiha Madara, you don't need to pretend anymore!_

Deidara bit the tip of his ballpoint pen.

_Hey, Itachi, _Deidara scrawled down, grimacing to actually having to write the weasel's name, _did you know that Tobi might be Uchiha Madara? _"Nah," he muttered, "the guy won't believe me. Hmm, who else should I ask? Hmm. . . ."

_Kisame, you're not a gay fish anymore, _he rubbed the anymore out and continued, _you never was. _"Yeah," Deidara said, "that's sweeten him up." He began to write again (and contrary to popular believe, Deidara could actually spell and knew what grammar was. He just wrote badly because it annoyed people), _so, mind helping me find out if Tobi is Uchiha Madara? _"Probably call me bonkers." Deidara sighed. "Looks like I'll have to do this by myself."

...

"Hey, Tobi," he started, hesitantly. "I was wondering if you're . . . Uchiha Madara," he said, muttering the last part. Due to this Tobi couldn't hear the last part.

"Oh, hello, Deidara-sempei!" Deidara blinked. Looked like grudges didn't stick with this guy. "Tobi couldn't hear the last part. May," Deidara twitched, who used may these days anyway? "Deidara-sempei repeat it please?"

"OK, Tobi, whatever you say." He sighed, "I was wondering, well, I _am_ wondering if you . . . are . . . Uchiha . . . Madara." Tobi's body went rigid. "I knew it! I knew you were and Uchiha, well, are an Uchiha! They told me I was bonkers, but I was right! Yay! Yay! Sure, you don't have the so-said long hair, but whatever, I knew-"

"Tobi is not Uchiha Madara," Tobi interceded, finding his (disturbingly girly) voice again. "But Tobi is an Uchiha," he admitted (after all, Deidara was going to annoy him on the topic for the rest of his life otherwise), "but he is not Uchiha Madara."

Deidara was angry. Heck, he was more than angry. He was downright furious! "YOU LIAR. I'm going to go to Leader and demand to know who you are. I'm going to prove to you that you are an Uchiha! LIAR," he said, finally. Deidara turned around and walked towards Pein's office, leaving a confused Tobi behind.

...

"Tell me Tobi is Uchiha Madara!"

"Tobi is Uchiha Madara," Pein repeated, anything to keep the brat quite.

Deidara rolled his eyes, "When I said tell me- Oh, never mind. If Tobi is an Uchiha - HE ADMITTED IT TO ME, DON'T POINT FINGERS, YEAH - and not the legend known as Uchiha Madara, then who is he? because I really want to know."

Pein shrugged, not bothered by this new predicament, well apart from the whole _Tobi isn't Uchiha Madara_ bit. "How I'm I supposed to know?"

"UGH! You people are so freaking useless!" Deidara shouted.

He turned around, opened the office door, and slammed it after him, more annoyed then ever (despite the fact that he was the annoyee).

...

_10. And, finally, buy loads of lollipops in front of him, eat them_ very_ slowly in front of him, and don't even give him one._

"Look, lady, I don't freaking _care_ if you don't think boys my age should be eating lollipops. And I don't _care_ if you think so many will give me cavities and then my adult teeth will decay and get, well, cavities. Because, I don't _care_ for your freaking stupid opinion!

"Haven't you ever heard the saying 'the customers are always right'? No? Well, you have now! Shut the hell up, listen to the customers and stop freaking thinking you're all it! 'Cause, news flash, you're not.

"Now are you going to give me my lollipops or do I have to resort to killing you? I'm _sure_ you know I'm an Akatsuki, yes?" As if the cloak wasn't enough. "Thank you! I hope you have a rather unpleasant life ahead of you! Bye!" he said, making his way back to the hideout.

(The shopkeeper was trembling, not that he freaking cared.)

...

"Do you want one_~?_" Deidara taunted, shaking the bag of lollipops in front of Tobi.

"Yes, Deidara-sempei! Tobi would like one very, very much."

"How are you supposed to eat it with a mask on. Are you going to take it off?" Deidara inquired, excited.

"No, Deidara-sempei! Tobi has his amazing ways of eating with his mask on! Isn't it so amazing?!"

"Yes, bloody amazing," Deidara commented dryly. "And for that, I'm not giving you one," he said, walking away.

...

The next day, Deidara and Tobi were sitting down in the kitchen, while everyone else were up to their own devices. Deidara had a huge - HUGE - lollipop in his hand, and he was taking the wrapping off, right in front of Tobi's face, while the latter was looking at it, somewhat hungrily.

Deidara put the whole thing in his mouth whilst Tobi wailed (pathetically). Deidara savored the lollipop slowly making Tobi wail (pathetically) even more. The bomber twitched,_stupid dumb kid. Making my head hurt._

He got up and walked away.

...

"Hey," Kisame said a day after whilst walking with Deidara to his room, "why is Tobi . . . crying pathetically? . . . In my room . . .?"

Deidara grinned, "Well, that's for me to know and you to never find out." He got a lollipop out of his pocket, took the wrapping off, and started sucking on it slowly. He went in Kisame's room, which just made Tobi wail even more.

Kisame blinked. "You know what?" he said, to no one in particular. "I don't really think I want to know. . ." He sighed and walked into the room as well.

...

Reviews are nice. Review please!


	9. ways to annoy the bipolar

5,145 words. Don't own anything.

...

**an annoying spree, of sorts**  
Chapter Four – ways to annoy the bipolar

...

_1. Try to persuade him that tomatoes are vegetables and not fruits._

"It's true," he said, biting into a tomato. "Honestly, does this thing," he pointed to the tomato in his mouth, "look like a fruit? I don't think so!"

"It's a fruit," Zetsu calmly responded, obviously thinking that Deidara had lost his mind to evil aliens a long, long time ago.

"No it's not! The world has lied to us, this is def not-"

"Def?" Zetsu asked, trying to see where the hell that word had come from, from the small usage of slang he used. None at all, really.

"It's short for definitely! Kami, you don't know anything! Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person that has a brain in this organization!"

"Well, let's see," Zetsu started, not letting Deidara talk any longer, "there's Itachi, who is far better at everything than you. Then there's the Leader, who is clearly much more powerful than you, maybe even Itachi. Then there's-"

"Yes, yes, I get that people's opinion of me is rather low, but that's no excuse to tell the world that a tomato is a fruit! It doesn't freaking look like a fruit! It looks more healthier than a fruit, therefore making it a vegetable! Comprehend me?"

Zetsu shook his head, making Deidara twitch like Sheldon when he was trying to keep from lying. "What I do understand is that you are clearly mad and not able to understand that," he took the tomato off Deidara's hand, "this is obviously a fruit."

Deidara, this time, shook his head, causing Zetsu, this time, to twitch slightly. "Please, they've all brainwashed you! I'm ashamed of you. You're a plant yourself and yet you cannot tell whether a tomato is a fruit or vegetable. Shameful."

"I think tomatoes are fruits-"

"No, you don't! You were merely _brainwashed_," Deidara said, stressing the word, as if he was in deep incredible pain, "and you have _no idea_ what the hell you're talking about, _because_ you were brainwashed. Understand?"

"No, I really don't-"

"Of course you don't! I'm much better at everything, including the ability to tell the difference between fruits and vegetables better than you, despite the fact that you are a plant-"

"I'm not a plant-"

"Yes, you are! And stop changing the subject! And I am using exclamation marks far too often," he said, sighing like the idiot he was. "Everybody thinks you're a plant, so, really, if you aren't - highly unlikely - then _don't_ - just _don't_ - tell them, because they're going to have a fit and, well, yeah."

He walked away and the last thing Zetsu heard was "AND TOMATOES ARE VEGETABLES! DON'T EVER FORGET IT!"

...

_2. Start calling him Aloe Vera for whatever reason. "'Cause it sounds cool?"_

"Have you guys seen Aloe Vera?" Deidara asked one very fine day, to a happy (obviously not due to Deidara) Kisame and an irritated (not shown, of course) Itachi.

Kisame turned to him and asked, "Who the hell is Aloe Vera? I don't recall anyone named Aloe Vera in the Akatsuki." He looked at Itachi, who merely shrugged like he didn't give two shits at all (which he probably didn't).

Deidara rolled his eyes and sighed like Kisame was an idiot (which to Deidara, he probably was, the one with the brawn, but no brain). "Zetus, you stupid nimrods! I've been calling him that for a weak and even Hidan-"

"You bitch, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Hidan asked, from the other side of the room. He mimicked Deidara's voice, "_Even Hidan._" He glared at Deidara who ignored him completely. "Bitch."

"Anyway," Deidara said, "Hidan aside-" said person glared at him, "-have you see Aloe Vera?" he asked, stressing the words like he was talking to two idiots who needed to die for their extreme stupidness.

Kisame frowned, "Duh, no. Go ask Sasori. Heck, go ask Tobi, that guy mostly hangs around with Zetsu."

So, Deidara did just that. No, he didn't ask Sasori (the guy would probably nitpick on his grammar) but he did go to see Tobi (despite the fact that Deidara hated the guy for acting stupid and prancing around with a mask on).

...

"Well, I'm sorry I asked! I had no idea you were going to freak out over the fact that fucking Aloe Vera isn't anywhere you know! It was only a fucking question! And now I'm swearing to much, and it's all your freaking fault, I tell you! Now, if you don't mind, I'll be on my way!"

...

"Why does nobody know where the hell Aloe Vera is? Why does nobody know that Zetsu is actually newly-named Aloe Vera because, well, I don't really have a reason. And, why - WHY - does everyone freak out when I ask them where the hell he is like he's having sex with some plant!"

"Deidara," Sasori sighed, "he is having sex-"

Deidara didn't hear him (or he might have just ignored the poor guy that was trying to explain to the world why the hell nobody would tell Deidara where Zetsu (or 'Aloe Vera') is). "Whatever! I'm going to find him myself and nobody - NOBODY - is going to stop me! Understand? Good."

He strode away, head held up high in the air, in a sign to show that he was far more superior than anyone ever was and ever will be.

...

Needless to say, when Deidara did indeed find Zetsu, he wasn't happy at all. (Deidara was so looking forward to annoy the crap out of the guy by calling him Aloe Vera - damn the possibility of it not working. Zetsu was weird and creepy but the guy didn't get annoyed very easily.)

Deidara had taken one look at the room Zetsu and . . . that thing, been scarred for life and walked away from the scene slowly, laughing nervously all throughout.

He really should start listening to Sasori more.

...

_3. Ask if he's a Venus Flytrap._

"No, you fucking ask him!" Deidara whisper-shouted.

Hidan looked at him in absolute disbelief, "Dude, you're the one that fucking wants to know, you fucking ask him!"

"But he threatened to eat me that next time if I disturbed him from his. . .," he coughed, "um, sex scene," he whispered that part while Hidan looked at him, amused. "Therefore I wanna know if he's, you know, a Venus Flytrap, but. . ."

"He's going to fucking eat you if you disturb his sex scene, huh?" Deidara twitched at how casually the Jashin-worshiper said that, made him think that Hidan's wasn't exactly pure in the sexual sense. "Don't you think there's a fucking great possibility that he's going to fucking eat me too if I disturb him?"

A thoughtful pause. "Hmm, never thought about that- NO! Wait, wait, you have a scythe. The moment he decides to pounce and nearly kill you, all you have to do is slash his body a few hundred times and he'll be in pieces. Then - RUN." He said it like Hidan had no say in the matter.

"Fuck-"

Deidara ignored him. "Good, good. Just ask him - CALMLY - before you slash him up - FAST - and then run - ugh, how I hate repeating emphasizing words, but . . .: FAST. Understand? Good. Bye! Hope you don't die in your attempts!" He ran before he could get slashed by Hidan's scythe.

Hidan smirked, "Well, might not be so fucking stupid if it gives me a fucking laugh."

...

"Hidan," Zetsu started, rubbing his temple and giving a exasperated sigh, "what the hell are you doing in here when I'm trying to finish off the work I set up for the children in the nursery I'm part-time working in-"

"Holy fuck," Hidan said, his mouth hanging in disbelief, "you fucking work in a _nursery_? Shit, the world's fucking ending."

Zetsu gave him a look of indifference. "Go away," he said, in a no-nonsense tone.

"Yeah, fucking OK," he put his hands in the air to prove his point, "just one fucking question: are you a Venus Flytrap?"

Zetsu narrowed his eyes and Hidan thought it was the best time to retreat.

...

"You didn't get an answer, you bloody freaking idiot! What the hell is wrong with you?! All you had to do was ask if he's Venus Flytrap and, yet, you couldn't even do that! Needless to say, you are a blithering moron that needs to get killed! UGH! I should have gone myself!"

"Well, maybe you fucking should."

"Well, MAYBE I WILL!"

"Good!"

"Good!"

Doors slammed simultaneously.

...

A few days later, Hidan knocked on Deidara's (after his hatred for the blood had subsided) door to find that the latter had been hit rather hardly by something pointy and laying on his bed with ice on his eyes.

"Stupid git nearly killed me," he croaked. The 'git' obviously referred to Zetsu.

Hidan smirked, "That'd fucking teach you to not fucking ask stupid dumb things."

Deidara whimpered in pain.

...

_4. Nickname the Carvinine from your Pokemon Vortex game Zetsu._

"Zetsus' seriously suck, you know," Deidara said to a reluctant Hidan (who really didn't want to talk to the blond brat). "Sometimes I wonder why I even got the Pokemon. Not only does it suck, it looks downright ugly." Deidara shuddered. "Ugh."

"Bitch, please, there's only one fucking Zetsu," Hidan replied. "And what the fuck does this fucking have to do with Pokemon?" He rolled his eyes (Deidara twitched, the nerve of some people!), "That's games's for fucking kids!"

"Don't you dare say that! Pokemon Vortex is, like, this awesome game that deserves so much more love. Now shut the hell up and get lost."

"Na-uh, you still haven't fucking told me what fucking Zetsu has got to do with the game," he shuddered before saying it's name, "Pokemon Vortex."

"Well, you know- Actually, you won't know. There's this Pokemon that's called Carvinine that looks and represents, you know, Zetsu, and, well, I sort of nicknamed it that. So, when I say Zetsu and Pokemon together, I usually mean Carvinine. Get me?"

Hidan openly gaped at him (the contents of his mouth were disgusting). "No, bitch. I really fucking don't. You're going to have to fucking show me this . . . Carvine."

"Carvinine!" Deidara cleared his throat in the most elegant manner, of course, and said, "Let's go upstairs then."

...

Kakuzu and Sasori looked at each other, appalled.

"Deidara still plays Pokemon," Sasori muttered. (Yes, they were ease dropping, actually, despite the fact that, well, they're a little old to do so.)

"They're going upstairs to steal my money! We have to stop them!" Kakuzu fist-bumped the air.

Sasori sweat-dropped, "_That's_ what you got from the whole conversation? Seriously? Is money all you care about?"

Kakuzu looked at him in disbelief. "We must correct your mind. Money is everything. You cannot live without money. And now we are too late to stop them stealing money from my precious pink piggy-bank. I'm afraid all is lost." He hung his head.

Sasori rolled his eyes, "Come on," he tugged on Kakuzu's arm, "let's go tell Zetsu what we learnt before he kills us with that creepy and happy smile on his face."

Kakuzu nodded, still upset over his money about to be 'stolen'. "OK."

_He really is a lost cause, isn't he?_ Sasori thought.

...

"Fucking hell, that looks absolutely_ nothing_ like Zetsu-san," muttered Hidan, after seeing the Pokemon named Carvinine.

Deidara looked at him from his computer. "When the hell did you start calling Zetsu Zetsu-san?" he asked.

Hidan rolled his eyes, "A few fucking weeks ago, you also called him Zetsu-san, but, you know, fucking stopped after you got fucking annoyed with him."

Deidara rolled his eyes, "Yeah, whatever."

...

"What is that?" Zetsu asked Deidara, sitting down on the empty chair beside the blond-bomber. Deidara was on the computer downstairs this time and Zetsu just found it the appropriate time to come sit next to him.

"It's a Zetsu," he replied, seeing how much luck he had.

Zetsu narrowed his eyes, "No, it's not. I'm pretty sure it's a Carvinine."

Deidara turned to face him. "Oh, Kami. You play Pokemon Vortex? I wouldn't have ever guessed, you know! That's so cool! High-five!" He got a half-heartened high-five from Zetsu, who looked at him in boredom.

"I still don't understand why you called it a Zetsu."

Deidara laughed, uncomfortably. "Uh, yeah, about that. . . Never mind! You don't need to worry over such a stupid thing!"

Zetsu stayed silent.

...

"Get fucking killed this time, bitch?" Hidan asked Deidara the next morning.

Deidara grinned. "Nope! Found out that Zetsu actually likes Pokemon Vortex and we played against each other."

Hidan raised his eyebrows, "Seriously?"

"Seriously!"

...

So, basically nobody got annoyed this time. And the problem with Sasori and Kakuzu wasn't very important so it was never solved. Yeah.

...

_5. Ask him if he's father/mother raped a plant. Seriously, just do, it's gonna be hilarious._

Pushing his new-found friendship with Zetsu aside (how it killed him inside), Deidara snickered and pretended to look totally bored, while also planning to get Kisame to help on this one.

". . .and it wasn't really proved otherwise. Leader said that we could, you know, capture the one-tails in about a year's time. Of course, Deidara and Sasori would go-"

Deidara interrupted Kisame before he could talk any further, "Kisame-san!" Politeness doesn't cost a penny. "Have you seen Zetsu-san!" Saying Zetsu was just too unfamiliar and weird.

Kisame looked up at him from the place he was sitting on the couch, Itachi was next to him on the other sofa. "No," he growled, "I haven't seen Zetsu." He sighed, "Now, if you don't mind, we're trying to have a-"

"You sure? I always thought you'd know where Zetsu-san is? So . . . could you tell me if he comes here?" Kisame nodded, anything to get the brat to go away. "Thanks!" Deidara walked away. _Well, that was a big failure._

Kisame sighed and turned back to Itachi, who was giving him a blank look. "Now, where was I. . ."

...

"I've always wondered why Zetsu looked like a plant," Deidara mused to himself.

_Maybe it's because he has some awesome bloodline power and didn't tell anyone because he wanted to be like the bunny who wanted world domination. So . . . that means that he's working together with Tobi for world domination! NOOOOOOOO!_

_Or maybe it's because he was just born like that because of, well, life, _the other side of his head reasoned.

_But that could just be some sort of ploy and he could be working AGAINST Tobi for world domination. Kami, now I have to worry about two people trying to take what is rightfully mind. Oh, world, why are you so cruel?_

"Hmm," he said after he finished the arguments in his head, "maybe I should just ask the guy?" he asked into thin air.

A Devil poofed up on the left side of his head, his left shoulder to be more precise. _Yes, Dei, ask him in the most weirdest tine you can muster, therefore making him look like a freak. Might make him consider taking over the world because of his ridiculous looks._

An Angel poofed up on his right shoulder. _No, Deidei, you merely assumed that he was taking over the world, he might not be, you know. Oh, and Deidei, ask him nicely. _She (yes, it was a she) gave him the puppy-dog eyes. _For me?_

Deidara twitched. What the hell? What kind of nicknames were Dei and Deidei? He sighed. He slapped the Angel and Devil away and said to thin air once again, "I'll ask him myself, nicely and not-so-nicely."

...

"Zetsu," Deidara said to the said person who was sitting down on the couch, "did you father rape a plant or something?" Way to be subtle about it, Deidara, way to be subtle.

"No."

"Are you sure? Oh, I get it! Did you mother rape a plant?!"

Zetsu looked at him, as did all the other members of the Akatsuki. "No."

"Then . . . are you some created thing by science?" he asked, confusion in his voice.

"Don't patronize me, Deidara."

"Then don't act like a child and answer the question, Zetsu-san."

"Go away, Deidara, you are not worth my time."

Deidara sneered and turned away, but he was soon back with him terrible annoying ways. "Are you sure?" he pressed.

Zetsu looked up and growled at him. "Deidara, go away before your parts are all scattered on the floor. I am not joking," he said.

Deidara rolled his eyes, "Of course not. Way to be mature about it. Giving out empty threats. Like you'd - AHHH! ZETSU-SAAAAAN!"

He ran away and Zetsu suppressed a smile. He turned to look at the rest of the Akatsuki members. "Well, that was fun."

...

_6. Chop down a tree for Christmas, make him watch and them proclaim you killed his cousin Josh._

"I don't understand what this has to do with anything, Deidara."

Said boy scoffed. "Of course you don't. It's nearly Christmas, so I thought instead of buying a tree, I could save money for Kakuzu and cut one down instead."

Zetsu looked at him blankly before sighing and nodding his head, obviously taking the mature adult persona. "OK, OK, cut away."

"Not now, you stupid oaf, later. I can't be asked to actually get up from my space on the floor. Hey, what'cha doing? Yoga? Can I join in?"

Zetsu looked at the obviously immature and foolish boy with a look of indifference. "OK, not like my brilliant mind can stop you anyway."

Deidara snorted, "Yeah, like you have a brilliant mind anyways." Zetsu glared at him without any malice. "OK," Deidara put his hands up in the air, "fine, I'll stop talking."

Zetsu nodded his head, taking the mature adult and sophisticated person on again. "Good."

...

"There's a dog over there," Deidara said, stating the obvious. "It's peeing on the tree I wanted to cut."

Zetsu rolled his eyes, "I never heard that that was the tree you wanted to cut down for Xmas."

The other male twitched. "It's Christmas, not Xmas."

Zetsu looked at him with an air of indifference. "What difference does it make? And I thought you were more worried about that dog pissing on your tree."

"Hey, why don't you eat it?"

"I don't eat dogs, you fool."

". . .What I'm I supposed to do with it?"

"I could eat it?" Zetsu offered.

Deidara looked at him, "Zetsu-san, I thought you don't eat dogs." He sighed, "Go on, then. Eat the dog."

"You know, I don't really want to anymore. What does one do with dogs?"

"Let's give it a name before I blow it up! How about Matt?"

Zetsu looked at him. "What kind of idiot gives a dog a human name?"

"Jake?"

"You idiot."

"Let me blow it up then!" He took a piece of clay out of his pocket. "Hey, doggy! Fetch, yeah!"

He blew the clay when the dog was in its distant.

Deidara grinned, "Now, let's cut a tree!"

...

Deidara sniffed, "I think I cut your relative, Zetsu-san," he said, wailing pathetically.

"Tree's aren't my relatives, Deidara," Zetsu deadpanned.

Deidara ignored him, "It's your late cousin, Josh! Let's take a moment of silence for his being!"

"Tree's don't do anything-"

Deidara growled at him, "Why are you being racist to your own species for, you stupid cow!?"

"I'm not, I just look like a plant-"

"Don't lie to yourself, Zetsu-san!" He started sniffing. "It's not worth it! Be who you are!" Zetsu twitched. He was being who he is. A half-man-half-mutation.

"I am being who-" _I am. . ._

"No, you're not! Please, your cousin, Josh, has just been killed, and yet you can't even feel pain for him! Why, I ask you, why?!" He started wailing again.

Zetsu twitched, didn't say anything and left the garden.

Deidara grinned and patted a tree. "Think that annoyed him, Matt?" He looked at the tree, "Not really talkative, are ya?" Deidara shrugged and went inside as well.

_That was fun!_

_..._

_7. Ask him if he can talk to other plants and vegetables. (Heck, ask him about fruits as well.)_

"Hey, Kisa-san, what do you suppose I should do next to annoy the hell out of Zet-san?" he asked.

Kisame looked up from his snack and started at Deidara. "Go ask someone who freaking gives two shits," he growled.

Deidara totally ignored the killer intent that was coming from Kisame's direction, "Oh, come one, Kisa-san! Don't be such a sodding cow!" He paced around the room. "You must have something. You must!"

Deidara got his _100 Ways to Annoy the Akatsuki_ book out and started biting the tip of his ballpoint pen. He continued pacing around the room.

"Deidara, stop moving around the room. You're giving me motion sickness-"

"Shut up! You dare talk to me when you refuse to offer help?!" Deidara screamed at his face. "Why, Kisa-san, why?" he wailed. Kisame stared ahead.

"Kisa-san? Are you shorting names now, Dei-san?" He had added the last part for his amusement.

"Oh, shut up, Kisa-no-danna!" Kisame continued staring at him.

Itachi piped up, "Why don't you ask the internet?"

All the other heads of the Akatsuki nodded. Deidara mentally screamed.

Deidara turned around and shrieked, "How the hell I'm I supposed to ask the computer!? How- Oh." He actually beamed at his so-called rival. Itachi just gave him a blank stare. "I'll go do that!" What did you expect? Like he was ever going to say 'thank you'.

...

"No, no, no! All these ideas are just cliche and dumb! No, no, no!"

"What the fuck's wrong with you?" Hidan asked, coming behind Deidara with a crisp packet in his hand.

"This!" he said, pointing to the screen of the computer.

Hidan looked at it, screwing his eyes. "Nah, don't fucking see what's wrong with it."

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Of course you don't. Bye bye."

Hidan twitched. "Fucker, I'm not freaking going anywhere. All I said was that I don't fucking get it. Don't have to be such a fucking girl."

Deidara tugged on his arm. "Uh-huh, now come with me so I can annoy Zet-san."

Hidan raised his eyebrows. "Zet-san?"

"Don't ask," he said, shaking his head. "Just don't."

...

"Zet-san, can you talk to plants?"

"No."

"How about vegetables?"

"No."

"None of them?"

"No."

"Seriously?"

"N- Yes."

"Hmm," Deidara said, "you nearly said 'no'." He looked at Hidan. "Does that mean he meant 'no'? Or does it mean he meant 'yes'. Or does-"

Hidan shrugged. "I don't fucking know," he interrupted. "Don't even fucking know why I'm flipping here. I'm going to go-"

"NO!" Deidara screamed, tugging on Hidan's arm, momentarily ignoring Zetsu for the time. "You promised to help me!"

"I didn't fucking promise anything," he said, shaking his arm off. "Fucking let me go, bitch!"

Deidara glared. And glared. And glared.

"Like that's going to fucking make me stay- OW! You didn't fucking have to hit me!"

"Oh, stop bitching about it. Now," he turned to Zetsu, who was staring blankly at him, "can you talk to fruits?"

"I can't talk to any plant, vegetable, or fruit." He got up and stormed away.

Deidara and Hidan looked at each other. "He was fucking PMSing," Hidan said.

The blond-bomber nodded his head. "No doubt about it."

...

_8. Set him up with a tomato and ask how the date went afterwards._

Deidara stared at the pineapple: all spiky, weird, and boring. "Nah." He tossed it away.

He stared at an orange: plain, spotty and, well, orange. "Nope." Deidara tossed it away.

He stared at a tomato: squidgy, soft, and it looked like it was blushing! Perfect, perfect, perfect. "Yep, yep, yep."

Deidara got up and walked towards Kakuzu's room.

...

"No, I don't care what you want, Deidara. I am never giving any of my money to you to waste on such a pitiful cause. Go away," Kakuzu said, being the money-whore that he was.

"Hear be out, you rotten old cow! All I'm asking is for a little money just so I can-"

"No."

Kakuzu smiled.

Deidara glared.

"Just a teeny bit of money! Come on, come on! Please, please, please?"

"No."

Smile. Smile.

Glare. Glare.

"You rotten piece of ass! It's obvious that you're intimidated by my sheer awesomeness that you can't even give me some money, because that would mean that you have given up!" Deidara grinned triumphantly. "Yes, I knew it!"

"Stop patronizing me, child."

"Stop not giving me money."

"Stop being a money-whore and wanting everything of mine."

"_You_ stop being a money-whore and keeping all the _Akatsuki's_ money to yourself."

"Go away."

"You suck."

"I know. Now, _go away_."

Deidara huffed and left the scene.

...

Zetsu was sitting down on a chair. And on the other chair was a tomato. He stared at the tomato. It stared right back.

"Um," he cleared his throat, uncomfortably, "hello there. Nice to meet you?" It came out more of a question than he expected.

(In the background, Deidara snickered.)

The tomato continued on staring at him. It made Zetsu extremely uncomfortable.

"I don't really know who set this up, and to be frank: I don't really care. But I hope we can converse throughout this, um, date. Yes?"

The tomato kept on staring ahead.

Zetsu blinked. "OK. . . I'm sorry if I said something to offend you, but, really, I know you can't talk and shit. I'm just trying to be friendly to my distant relative. So, it is kind of weird to be going on a date with you. . . Yeah."

The tomato kept on staring.

Zetsu coughed, uncomfortably. "Yes, I think I should be going."

Then he picked the tomato up and bit into it, savoring the taste, while Deidara (in the background) gaped in disbelief.

"Mmm," Zetsu said. "Delicious."

_He's a cannibal_, Deidara thought. _A cannibal!_

...

Needless to say, Deidara stayed very clear of Zetsu the next day.

...

_9. Throw bits of grass on him. (Hey, it's not lame!)_

"Hey, Hidan?"

"What?"

"I'm going to throw grass at Zetsu-san."

"What the hell?"

"Well, grass is sort of related to Zetsu-san, right?"

". . .I fucking guess."

"So throwing it at him should upset him a little, right?"

"Er. I guess, bitch."

"Not because I'm throwing it at him, per se. But because he's going to morn over his loved ones."

". . . OK."

"That should annoy him, yes?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm, but what if grass isn't related to him?"

"Go ask someone who fucking cares."

"I am."

"I don't fucking give- Oh; I'm too fucking tired to do this."

"Of course you are."

"Shut the fuck up, you loser."

"Chi-chi, cho-jo, syumayumi!"

". . . What the fuck are you trying to do?"

"Speak Chinese. Anyway, it'll annoy him, right?"

"Yeah. Now fucking leave me alone."

"OK."

". . . Finally. He's gone."

...

"Deidara," Zetsu said, "I really do not understand why you are throwing bits and pieces of grass at me. Is it because of your sudden urge to annoy any living this in your perimeter or do you merely feel bored?"

". . . You talk too much; you know that, Zetsu-san?" Deidara said, shaking his head as he threw more grass at Zetsu.

"I'm not going to get annoyed by this, you know, Deidara," Zetsu said to him, giving Deidara a blank look.

"I know," Deidara sighed.

". . . OK."

"Bye."

"Bye."

...

"It didn't work."

"What fucking didn't work?"

"Throwing grass at Zetsu-san's face didn't annoy him. I wonder if he can even be annoyed. It seems highly unlikely."

"I fucking told you so."

"No, you really didn't tell me. You said it will work."

"Of course I fucking did. Anything to get you to shut up."

"Well, you're really nice, you know."

"Oh, I know."

"Bitch."

"Cross-dresser."

"Motherfucker."

"Bitchy sl-"

"What is the meaning of this?"

"Oh, hello, Leader."

"Hello, Deidara."

"Fucking go away, Leader-sama."

"No."

"OK."

They all parted ways.

...

_10. Wake him up in the morning, holding an axe in your hand._

"I'm sort of afraid that he'll freak out and kill me," Deidara said, pacing along the floorboards of his and Sasori's room.

Sasori sighed. He really didn't need this at 6.a.m in the morning even if he didn't freaking give two shits about sleeping or rest. "Deidara, just take the risk, can't you see that you're interrupting my making-puppets session?"

Deidara looked at him and then rolled his eyes. "Well, you're rather useful, aren't you? How about actually help rather than sit there being all bitchy about the situation?"

Sasori suppressed a eye roll. "Oh, go away. I'm far too engrossed in my work to actually listen to your useless rambling."

"Well, you wouldn't have to, if I wasn't partnered up with you. God, I hate Leader-sama!"

"That's really amazing," Sasori found himself saying, "but, really, I don't care."

Deidara huffed and left the room.

Sasori sighed. "Wonder what the brat's going to do. . ."

...

Zetsu would never have guessed someone would actually be foolish enough to wake him up from his sleep. With a bloody axe, no less. Of course, you really couldn't question Deidara's sanity. The poor boy must have gone insane by now.

Zetsu was a calm and collected person, he was never one to get annoyed and start shouting at people to get the hell out of his room or to get the hell away from him because of their bizarre tendencies.

Really, he was just someone who wanted a nice (and by that he meant nicely-creepy) life. Of course, once you've met Deidara, you really start to question your ideals of the world because, now, Zetsu did feel like shouting and screaming at Deidara for his utter stupidness.

"GET AWAY!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Zetsu got up from where he was sleeping only moments ago and started chasing Deidara around the house. That was it. Deidara wasn't getting any second chances. He had really annoyed the shit out of Zetsu this time.

Though. . . Zetsu did have to be very careful about that humongous axe on the back of Deidara's shoulder that just screamed '_I'M HERE TO KILL YOU!_'.

"Zetsu-san! I'm terribly sorry! Please- ACKKKKKK!"

...

Deidara didn't say another word for the next few days.

It was rather obvious that the entire Akatsuki liked and enjoyed the blissfulness that was Deidara's silence.

And, maybe, just maybe, they had enough time to plot their revenge against the blond-bomber that they so despised.

...

Reviews are nice. Review please!


	10. ways to annoy the terrorist

7,392 words. Don't own anything. Last chapter with a sort of plot! Probably edit later because the ending bits are rather lame. Enjoy!

...

**an annoying spree, of sorts**  
Chapter Ten - ways to annoy the terrorist

...

"OK, I have grouped us all here today-"

"Oh, just fucking tell us, Leader!" Hidan said, trying to find a comfortable place on the sofa where Kakuzu's tentacles _weren't_ touching him and he wasn't being violated.

Pein glared at Hidan, making the latter blink, swear and then sit on the floor out of spite. The leader of the Akatsuki clapped his hands. "It has come to my - ONE word, Hidan, and I will kick you out of this room - knowledge that everyone sitting here has been annoyed by Deidara at some point. I'm I correct?"

A series of murmurs of agreement went around, with a "Tobi thinks that Tobi annoyed Deidara-sempei instead . . .," and a "I only got annoyed at the very end," and Pein clapped his hands again, looking over at Konan and the little booklet she was holding.

Konan got up, glared at Hidan, and cleared her throat, obviously being the mature and sensible one in the lot. Pein went and sat down in her space. Konan waved the little booklet around and proclaimed, "This is what Deidara has been using to annoy us, and," she grimaced, "I am afraid to say that he has succeeded. BUT-"

Pein interrupted, "Being the idiot that Deidara obviously is, instead of doing Orochimaru to make it 100, he did 10 ways to annoy himself." Pein grimaced at the utter stupidness that Deidara was.

Hidan snickered, and then burst out laughing. "And I fucking thought nobody could beat Tobi's utter fuckness." He continued laughing while Tobi looked pained. Looking around, Hidan said, "Hey, where is the fucker anyway? Having se-"

Konan glared at him, "Hidan, dare finish that sentence and I will have you chucked out for good."

The leader agreed with her, "Yes, listen to what the lady says. And Deidara and Sasori are on a mission. We'll inform Sasori when he gets back." He cleared his throat and continued, "This," he took the notebook from Konan's hand, and held it up in the air, "has reasons to annoy him-"

Hidan interrupted, "We already know that, fucker!"

Konan glared at him because, really, Pein really couldn't be bothered anymore. Hidan glared for a good few minutes before he shut up when she got out her origami. The blue-haired beauty motioned for Pein to continue.

Pein cleared his throat, once again, and said, "Each of you will get one of these to do and then-" Pein sighed. "- Yes, what is it, Kakuzu?"

"Do we really have to do this, Leader-sama? I really do have a lot of-"

"Yes, you do," Pein interrupted. "Now, where was I? Oh yes, ten reasons. Nine of us. We'll do the last one together."

Hidan sneered. "You make it sound like we're going to have fucking sex together." He shut up after Pein got a rod out from his sleeve. Really puts a twist on the saying 'let's see what you've got under your sleeve then', doesn't it?

"Hidan," the leader grit out, "I'm being serious now. ONE more word and you're giving me that Akatsuki ring and getting out of this building as fast as I can say 'Hidan'." Understand?"

Said person rolled his eyes but nodded all the same. "Fine," he said halfheartedly. "Fucking fine."

Pein nodded in approval. "First one: _tell him that his art is a rip-off_. My, where the hell did that come from?"

Tobi squeaked meekly and raised his hand. Pein nodded for him to speak. "Tobi . . . well, went with . . . Deidara-sempei to a, eh, food shop . . .? And Tobi saw something that looked like Deidara-sempei's art, and, eh, Tobi-"

Kisame grinned, "So you told him that his art was a rip-off when it was the other way round." He laughed. "Brilliant." He patted Tobi on the back, while said boy jumped. "Brilliant, right, Itachi, Zetsu?" Both of those people said nothing, they just nodded, because they were boring like that.

The leader of the Akatsuki continued, "OK, since Tobi started that one, he can do it-"

"No, no!" he screamed. "Tobi does not what to get blown sky high again! Please," he looked around hastily, "let Hidan-san do it!"

Hidan scoffed, "Yeah, right, like that's going to work-"

"OK, Hidan can do that one," Pein said, making Hidan go quite. "Hmm, next one: _ask him when he's going to see a barber_."

Konan looked at the sheet. "You know, his handwriting, spelling and grammar isn't actually terrible - but that has _nothing_ to do with _anything_," she added, looking at the disapproved look Pein was giving her.

He pointed at Kakuzu, "You can do that one." He looked disapprovingly at Kakuzu's hair. "And get your hair done while you're at it. Seriously. _Tell blonde jokes in front of him_." Pein raised an eyebrow, "That seriously insults him?"

Itachi shrugged, "Hn."

Pein nodded, "Yes."

Kisame blinked while looking between the two. He leaned in against Hidan. "Hey, is it me or did those two just converse with just saying one word?"

"What the fuck do you think, idiot? Of course they fucking did! It's Leader and the fucking weasel, after all," he whispered. Kisame nodded in agreement.

Pein cleared his throat. "Anyway, that one can go to Kisame-"

"But I don't know any blonde jokes," Kisame said, attempting to take himself out of this annoying thing. Honestly, he had so much better stuff to do. (_Yeah, right_, Kami thought.)

"Go look some up in the internet, you stupid gayfish," he said back.

Kisame's eyes narrowed and then he groaned. "Ugh, you heard that from Deidara, didn't you?" He looked at everybody who were slowly backing away from him. "I swear I'm not gay."

Itachi put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "It's OK. There's no need to lie to us."

The so called 'gayfish' twitched. "Oh, come on, Itachi! Don't you freaking believe me!?" Itachi gave him a look. Kisame huffed. "Fine, be that way."

The leader cleared his throat, obviously annoyed. "When you two- SHUT UP - quite down, I will continue." He looked down at the notebook. "_Tell him that Ino called. She wants her girly hair back._" Pein raised an eyebrow. "So, he does think his hair is girly." He didn't even ask who the hell Ino was.

Tobi interrupted, laughing nervously. "Actually-"

Pein cut him off, "Let me guess, that annoyee thing was also caused by you?" Tobi nodded. The leader let out a long suffering dramatic sigh. "Well, at least we know what annoys him the most. Itachi-" Said boy looked up. "-you can do that one." Itachi merely nodded, finding arguing a petty activity.

Kakuzu piped up, finding it the appropriate time to speak. "See? That is how everyone should act. Acute and quite." He groaned. "All this stupid fuss is giving me a headache."

Pein interrupted before anyone could retort back to that. "_Take his clay and flush it down the toilet._" Pein grimaced when Kakuzu laughed darkly.

Hidan's eyes widened. "Well, who would have known? Instead of that fucker known as Tobi or as I like to call him swirl-face, it was Kakuzu this time."

Said old man just shrugged like it was casual to flush clay down the toilet. "He stole my money. I think he deserved some pay-back."

The jashianist grinned. "Fucking good on you."

The leader twitched and found it good time to start talking and not let anyone talk in between. "That one goes to Tobi, since he didn't do it before." He saw Tobi's horror-stricken look and ignored it completely. "_CONSTANTLY remind him that he's going to die by an Uchiha._ That one goes to Konan," he said, missing Itachi's faint smirk. "_Ask if you can braid his lovely gorgeous hair-_"

Hidan muttered, "Yeah, like his fucking hair is lovely, let alone gorgeous. . ."

Pein ignored him. "-Goes to Sasori. _Announce EVERYTHING he does._" Pein frowned. "I suppose I could do that one." He continued frowning. "_'Accidentally' bump into him and say, 'I'm terribly sorry, MISS.'_ Zetsu can do that one. The last one: _Ask if he's in love with Sasori, when he says no, ask of he's in love with Itachi._ Hmm, makes you- OH, GOD, TOBI, you again?"

Tobi laughed nervously. "Tobi was bored! Terribly sorry Tobi is, Itachi-san!" Itachi ignored him completely, like he did with most of the Akatsuki.

"And we'll do that one together," Pein said. He stared at everybody, "Are we all good to go?" They nodded at him. "Good." The leader nodded at them to go, after all, Nagato didn't want to spend to much time in their presence.

They all parted ways straight away, looked like nobody wanted to spend time in the leader's company either. (Well, apart from Konan.)

...

_1. Tell him that his art is a rip-off._

Hidan was pissed. Actually, Hidan was ALWAYS pissed, so, really, this mood-swing of his really shouldn't be too surprising. But, this time Hidan was actually being pissed subtly. The horror! Sometimes it was not eating his food, making Konan mad, thus making him satisfied. Other times it was hiding Kakuzu's money and seeing the money-whore go crazy about it. Funny. Not.

And the cause for Hidan's discomfort? Deidara. To be more precise, the fact that he had to do the most hardest annoying thing to Deidara. The guy was very passionate about his art, and having his limps everywhere wasn't exactly heaven. Yeah, no kidding. Life sucked sometimes, didn't it?

"This sucks so much," he muttered. Kakuzu just ignored him, trying to find his lost money. Hidan grinned in pleasure. "Leader fucking sucks. You," he pointed at Kakuzu, "suck even more."

Kakuzu groaned. "I'm trying to find my money here, go away. I have to do the next one anyway. So better to get it over and done with, I say."

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Yes, of course you would fucking say that, you old fucking man."

Kakuzu just rolled his eyes. "Just get it over and done with, and stop patronizing, you stupid child."

His partner huffed and stuck his tongue out. How dare such an old man tell him what to do! "Fine," he said, "I'm fucking going. But because I have to, not because you told me." He stalked away.

The miser just shook his head. "Dear Kami, that kid is going to be the death of me. . ."

...

After a few minutes of actually having to track down the blond-terrorist, Hidan find him having lunch happily and swinging his legs against the table legs while the rest of the Akatsuki suffered for this.

"Fucker," he seethed, practically letting the game away rather quickly, which was much more of a Tobi thing to do. Deidara stared at him with eyes raised, comically, but Hidan was so not in the mood right now. "I fucking hate you-"

"The feeling's mutual, sucker," the blond replied. Holding up a string of pasta, he said, "Hey, Hidan, want a piece?"

Hidan sucked in his breath, and controlled himself. This was really not a good time to let the game away, right at the beginning, no less! "Fucking hell no," he grimaced. "You already put your fucking saliva in that."

Deidara looked at his pasta with a whole new light as if he hadn't considered that, Hidan was pretty sure he was just doing that to mess with him. "Yeah, I never though of that. . ." Twitch. Twitch. Stare. Stare.

"Your art's a rip-off," he said, thoroughly annoyed by this point, even if he was supposed to do the annoying. Funny how things worked out.

Deidara looked at him. No, he actually _looked_ at Hidan this time around. The blond's eyes narrowed and there seemed to be deep hidden anger in those blue orbs, Hidan was joyed at the fact. "What the fuck did you just say?" he asked. Hidan resisted the urge to whistle. Whoa, Deidara was actually cussing, he must really be annoyed.

Hidan just shrugged. "I said that your art-"

Deidara cut him off. "I know what you said!" he practically screamed right in front of Hidan's face. Said guy winced, oh no, he had gone just a bit too far, hadn't he. . .?

Hidan backed away, not to get blown to smithereens by Deidara. Heck, the aura jumping off Deidara at the moment could make anyone freeze in their places.

"My art is not a rip-off!" Then his eyes widened and he frowned, lips set in a thin line. "Where is he?" he asked, confusing Hidan to no end. Deidara's eyes narrowed. "Don't pretend you don't know, idiot. Tobi set you up to this, didn't he?"

Hidan smiled grimly, he was cruel, he knew he was, but pinning the blame on Tobi was much easier then being blown to bits. And, hey, Tobi could turn invisible or whatever and, hell, swirl-face had survived after calling Deidara's art a rip-off, right? "Yeah, I suppose, but-"

The blond-bomber was barely listening, he was, instead, making his way to Tobi's room, with killer intent.

Hidan smiled grimly again. He shrugged, "Ah, whatever. The fucker's gonna survive."

...

_2. Ask him when he's going to go see a barber._

"I don't even know why Leader said I should go see a barber! My hair's just fine the way it is," Kakuzu muttered, more to himself than Hidan.

His partner snorted and resisted the urge to laugh. "Are you fucking kidding me? Your hair's a fucking beast!"

It had been a day after Hidan had attempted to insult Deidara's work and actually made it out alive and Kakuzu was not happy that he had to wait such a long period of time to annoy the living daylights out of the blond-bomber.

The leader had said something about how it might make Deidara less suspicious that they (the rest of the Akatsuki) were planning something, and it might just look like were taking revenge on him.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. He didn't have to put up with a lying Hidan such a early time of the morning, but he wanted to get his _annoying thing_ (it had been dubbed that for some reason) over and done with; old men liked that saying for some reason.

Hidan narrowed his eyes; beautiful people, such as himself, shouldn't have to be ignored by old men! The nerve of Kakuzu! "Holdy fuck, are you even flipping listening to me?" he asked.

The miser rolled his eyes. "Of course I'm listening to you; I'm not that old." Hidan gave him a look. "OK, maybe I am that old, but whatever! No, if you don't mind-"

"I fucking don't," his partner replied back, dryly and looked bored.

Kakuzu ignored him, "-I'll be on my way to annoy the blond-brat, as Sasori likes to call him."

When he walked away, Hidan was left to the imagination of his disturbing mind. _Hmm, I wonder if Kakuzu and that puppet have a fucking thing going. . ._ He shuddered. "Oh, fucking Jashin; I need to stop thing such disgusting things. . ."

...

Striking idle conversation with Deidara was not easy. For starters: the idiot would continue staring into space with an amused look on his face, but then it would go to an angry look and Kakuzu wondered if Deidara was ready to explode yet. And another thing: Kakuzu was sure that stupid child was doing this out of hate for him; not like he did anything anyway.

"Deidara," he said, sighing, "listen to me; if you continue doing this to other people, not to mention me, I'm afraid you're going to end up alone in the future."

The blond just looked and continued staring at him and then, he did something that Kakuzu would never have guessed, he snorted. "God, old man. You sound like we're not going to end up alone." And then the kid let out a long suffering sigh. "You sure are rather optimistic these days."

Kakuzu straitened up. "Of course, I have a lot - and I mean a LOT - of money, what's there to be sad about."

Deidara looked at him and then let out a breezy laugh; he shook his head. "Wow, I sometimes wonder if that's all you think about, but then again, I suppose our minds do work unlike each others due to our age." The blond stopped and winced, "Dear Kami, I freaking sounded like you then."

"What's wrong with sounding like me?" he asked, annoyed all of a sudden. Deidara just seemed to have that affect on people the moment he saw them.

"Nothing, nothing!" the blond-bomber said. "Just, well . . . I don't want to get old too fast, you know?"

Kakuzu didn't know, matter of fact, because being old did that to people, specially old people, of course. "I think you need to go to the barber's," he said, sniffing. "Your hair could really do with a cut."

Deidara grinned, but there was subtle irritation in those eyes, and the way his lips thinned revealed everything. "Yeah, and your hair doesn't?" he asked.

"No, actually, it doesn't," he sniffed, got up and left the room, stomping his feet on the way out.

The blond-terrorist blinked and then muttered, "The things old people do these days. . ."

...

_3. Tell blonde jokes in front of him._

Kisame was in a predicament. He had gone on the internet the other day and most of all the blonde jokes were for females, but he supposed since Deidara did have rather feminine hair, he could just pretend the guy was a female for a day. The half-shark, half-man shrugged, yeah, shouldn't be too hard.

There was several blonde jokes and some of them were rather inappropriate. Deidara would just think he had gone off his rocker or something, and being a blond himself, wouldn't notice that the jokes were aimed at him.

He didn't even know where the blonde jokes had even come from, to be fair why were only blondes so prejudiced? Why not redheads or brunettes? Kisame sighed and looked at the computer screen. After much time, Kisame found five that he thought were rather funny:

_Q: how do you get a blonde on the roof?  
A: tell her drinks are on the house!_

_Q: did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?  
A: they went to see "Closed for the winter"._

_Q: how does a blonde kill a fish?  
A: by drowning it._

_Q: why did the blonde shoot the clock?  
A: to kill time._

_Q:_ _what do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair? _  
_A: last year's hide-and-go-seek winner. _

Kisame grimaced, "Wow, these are sort of mean. . ." Then he grinned dangerously, "Well, the idiot deserves it after what he put me through. . ." He wrote the jokes on a piece of paper and went towards the door, hoping he didn't lose a arm because of this.

...

"Hey, have you seen Kisame?" Deidara asked. Throughout the last two days everyone had been ignoring him and Deidara really wanted to know why. The highest possibility that someone would tell him why was Kisame (besides Tobi, but the idiot was nowhere in sight).

Of course, like always, nobody answered his question, and Deidara was beginning to get restless. What the hell was going on? He tried again, "Idiots, have you seen where Kisame is?" No answer, again.

Deidara was about to go back to his room and wallow up in self-pity because of the lack of communication when he heard a voice beside the door that sounded like he was both afraid and excited. Kisame. "Hey, Deidara," he said, "how do you get a blonde on the roof?"

The blond-bomber's eyes narrowed considerably, and he became angry. Deidara knew he was missing something but that something was in the back of his mind. "OK, then," he played along, "how do you get a blonde up on the roof?"

"Tell her that drinks are on the house!"

He narrowed his eyes again, "Dude, are you implying that blondes are dumb, because I have-"

Kisame decided to get this over and done with then bolt towards his room and not come out before Deidara vented his anger onto something aside from him. "Did you hear about the two blonds that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?" He didn't wait for Deidara to reply. "They went to see "Closed for the Winter"!"

The blond-terrorist finally got it. "Oh, God, someone stole my-"

"How does a blonde kill a fish?! By drowning it! Why did the blonde shoot the clock? To kill time! What do you call a skeleton in the- OW, Deidara!"

"What the fuck did you expect?! You were freaking feeding me stupid blonde jokes! I'm not even a female!"

"Yeah," he said, "then why did you- OW!" Deidara had kicked him in the ribs and then stormed off towards his room.

...

_4. Tell him that Ino called. She wants her hair back. _

"Damn, damn, damn," Deidara said, when he failed to find his _100 Ways to Annoy the Akatsuki_ book. "Someone must have stolen it. I bet it was Tobi and then he told everyone else what annoys me." He groaned, "Ugh, why I'm I so careless, why, why?!"

He sat down on his bed and awaited the torture he would gain from this.

...

It took some time to actually figure out who the hell Ino was anyway, but after a few minutes going through Konoha files, Itachi realized that she was his brother's former teammate's friend. How the hell Deidara even knew this was beyond him.

He sighed. The blond probably knew because he was ecstatic that someone had the same hairstyle as him, probably not that ecstatic that it was a girl, though. And considering that Deidara was born before this Ino girl, it probably would annoy the guy when he asked to return Ino's hairstyle, when it should be the other way round.

Calling up this girl would be rather foolish, but Itachi was always one to be professional, so he did just that. He picked up the phone near the Leader's desk, dialed the number (it was seriously creepy that Leader had everyone's phone numbers) and awaited the call.

"Uh, hello?"

...

"Deidara," Itachi said, knocking on Deidara's door for the billionth time.

"Uh, go away!"

"Deidara." More forceful this time.

"What do you want?" the voice said behind the closed door, but Itachi was pleased that he was getting somewhere.

"Ino called," he said, deciding to be as simple as that. "Actually, she's still on the phone, asking to talk to you."

". . . You know, Itachi, lying's not going to get you anywhere in life."

"No," he said, forcefully, "I'm serious. Come out of your room and take the phone. The girl's such a nonsense."

"Hey!" a voice came from the phone and Deidara wondered if he was dreaming. That did sound like Ino's voice. Not that Deidara was stalking her or anything. Like hell he would date a girl with the same hairstyle as him. He snorted, talk about weird and disturbing.

"Uh. . .," he groaned, wondering if he put a thousand pillows around his ears would take away the sound that was coming from Itachi's and that silly girl's mouth. Honestly, who the hell called the enemy? Apart from him, of course. He really needed to go and have a chat with Gaara again. "Fine," he said, opening the door, "give me the phone."

Itachi did so.

Slamming the door on the Uchiha's face, Deidara sat down on the bed and said, "What?"

...

Walking away from Deidara's room, Itachi was rather pleased with himself when he heard a whole lot of ornaments being broken and a voice shouting "IT'S MY HAIR, NOT YOURS. I WAS BORN BEFORE YOU!" that had come from inside the blond-terrorist room.

...

_5. Take his clay and flush it down the toilet. _

"Tobi doesn't see why Tobi has to do this one! Deidara-sempei is very passionate about his work and Tobi doesn't know if he can handle having bits of his body flying everywhere! Please, Leader-sama!"

Pein sighed. He had been dealing with this for the entire morning and, frankly, he was getting pretty sick and tired of it. "Look, Tobi, we all decided which ones we were going to do-"

"No," Tobi whined. "Leader-sama chose! Not Tobi, not Itachi-san, not anybody else! Just Leader-sama chose for us!"

Pein's eyes twitched. Who the hell did this guy think he was? Oh, right. . . The leader almost forgot about that. "Look, Tobi," he said, trying to reassure the guy, "stop acting like some kid when he gets angry and you'll be fine! Trust me on this!" he finished off, in a fake cheery voice, just to get the guy out of here. Honestly, Tobi was giving the Leader a migraine.

Tobi narrowed his eyes behind his mask but complied anyway. "OK. . ." And then he went on his way.

...

Sometimes Deidara wondered of days gone by and summer leaves brushing against his soft young skin so long ago, with a hand grasping his own and a smile to lighten up the sky.

Sometimes Deidara wondered of his own selfish desires and the fact that he may very well be insane, he wondered of the hidden hurt in his heart and decided to dream of a world of sunshine and rainbows when he went to sleep.

And other times he wondered if he hadn't decided to take such a risk, maybe his life would have been better. He wondered of that little girl who called him her brother and the blue sky reflecting his own blue orbs.

But that was a long time ago.

Nowadays he's fully intent on just thinking and wondering and dreaming about what his art can become. He dreams and wonders and wishes that more people would see behind the destruction and see the beauty.

He only had his art, after all. And when you have only one thing in the world you care about, it becomes the most precious thing in existence.

...

"I don't care whether you were freaking told to or not!" he screamed. "The fact that you flushed by entire about of clay down the toilet was enough to make me hurt you, damn the consequences!"

"Tobi is sorry!" the terrified boy said back. "But Tobi was going on orders and Tobi didn't want to do this because Tobi knew that Deidara-sempei would very well kill him!"

"So, let me get this straight: you expect me to not hurt you more because you were told to do this, totally missing the point that you did this anyway? Honestly!" Deidara's arm found the sky. "That makes no sense!"

And then he kicked Tobi nine times (why nine? I have no freaking idea) and stomped off towards his room to dream of a world of sunshine and rainbows, where everyone was smiling and nothing bad existed.

...

_6. CONSTANTLY remind him that he's going to die by an Uchiha. _

"I don't see why he's so distressed about this one," Konan said, looking down on the _100 Ways to Annoy the Akatsuki_ book. "How the hell does he know that he's going to die by an Uchiha's hand?" she asked Pein.

Pein shrugged and gave a long suffering sigh. "I don't know, and I don't care. Just get it over and done with like everyone else has and then you might not be plagued with it anymore."

"I was going to do that," Konan grounded out, obviously annoyed. "But I just don't see how Deidara can know he's going to be killed by an Uchiha. Hmm, do you think he's psychic or something?"

Pein hummed. "I suppose not. And considering his grudge he'll probably be killed by Itachi's younger brother, or the man himself, if he carries on being a jack-ass." Konan started at him. "What?"

"Nothing, nothing," she said, waving her arm around, then she shrugged. "I dunno, sometimes you sound like an old man, and other times you sound like how old you look." She frowned. "You're weird."

"Yeah, well," he tried, "you really should start getting up and annoying Deidara." A frown. "The guy probably found out about now."

Konan just stared at him, she sighed, "Yeah, I suppose. But God knows that that guy's not that stupid, he does seem to have a bad memory though," she mused. "Might've forgotten that he realized what we're doing."

Pein shrugged. "Yeah, I guess." Konan nodded and went on her way, like a boss.

...

"Deidara," she tried to start the conversation off relatively simple, "how do you plan on dying?" - Which totally ruined the affect.

The blond looked at her as if she had gone insane. "Uh, I plan on dying by my own hands. . ."

Konan stared at him, completely moving away from him as each second passed. "You mean by suicide?" she asked, trying not to raise her voice an octave.

Deidara hummed and put a finger to his lip, like he was in deep thought. It scared her that he even had to _think_ about. "I suppose you could call it that," he started, "but I probably want to die by my art, you know?" No, she didn't know. "Blow myself up! Yeah," he laughed, "awesome."

Completely freaked out by now, Konan blurted out the thing she was sent here for. After all, she wouldn't actually sit next to Deidara willingly now, would she? Course not. "I imagine you-"

"You imagine what?" he asked, annoying her to no end. She was going to say what she imagined anyway, did he have to cut her off? She let out a soft sigh, of course he would. He _was_ Deidara, after all. Insane terrorist throughout the ages.

"I was getting to that," she snapped. "If you hadn't interrupted me, then you could know by now." She cleared her throat. "I imagine that you might die by an Uchiha's hand." His eyes widened, and she figured he realized by now. Or realized again after he had forgotten the first time he realized.

He grasped her shoulders with a death-near grip. _With a body rather skinny. . . You have to wonder- Ow, hell. His grip hurts. _

"How do you know? Did Tobi tell you?" He groaned. "Oh, I hate that guy."

_Yes, yes, we all hate him too, no need to wallow up in self-pity, _she wanted to say. "You can let go of me now," she said, dryly. He flushed and let go, still with that irritated look on his face.

He looked at her. "Do you know where Tobi is?" he asked her, like she was some idiot and he expected her to say no.

_Well, the idiot thought wrong. I know exactly where Tobi is. _"Yeah, actually, I do." She grinned at his raised eyebrows expression. "He's outside; training with Zetsu." _For whatever reason._

"Uh, OK, well." He scratched his cheek. "Thanks."

_I wonder if he ever said thanks before in his life, _she thought dryly. She watched him leave and wondered whether she should get up and accompany him or leave him to be devoured by Zetsu. _Hmm, the second option's really inviting. Yeah, I'll leave him to be eaten._

...

_7. Ask him if you can braid his lovely, gorgeous hair. _

When Sasori was informed that he was going to annoy Deidara this time around he was ecstatic. So much that he even smiled around the Akatsuki base and acted pleasant towards everyone; well, mostly everyone. Yes, it was a miracle.

However when he was told that had to ask Deidara if he could braid his lovely, gorgeous hair because it, apparently, annoyed him he wasn't so ecstatic. Not at all. To be honest he was rather foul to everyone and didn't smile anymore the days before he had to ask.

Sasori didn't particularly like touching other people; he liked being left alone and not bothered by anyone. And anyone who did bother him would most likely be injured severely.

It was the morning and Sasori was sitting down on the breakfast table eating absolutely nothing and sending foul stares towards everyone, especially the Leader (this was, after all, his idea) and Deidara (who just blinked, confused).

When Tobi screamed "Well, isn't Sasori-san going to do it?!" he wondered if the world had it in for him.

...

"Honestly, Sasori, if you told me you wanted to braid by hair, I would have stayed well clear of you because you are not Sasori!" Deidara crossed his arms looking at the 'fake' Sasori.

Sasori sighed. He knew asking to braid Deidara's hair would get him nowhere. Why the hell didn't he get something that would actually annoy the blond-bomber? Yes, it was official, someone up in heaven (or hell) had it in for him big time. "I don't _want_ to braid your hair; I was just asked to ask you if I could braid your-"

Deidara rolled his eyes and snorted, causing Sasori to twitch severely. "Oh, please. I know what you're up to and unfortunately if I want to live I can't stop you. Better to let it flow then do anything about it, you know?"

Truth be told, no, Sasori did not know what was going. All he was asked to do was ask Deidara if he could braid his hair being told that it would annoy the blond. He did not know, however, that there was actually a book (made by Deidara, no less) called _100 Ways to Annoy the Akatsuki_. No, he did not.

"I actually have no freaking idea what the hell you're talking about. Really," he added when Deidara gave him a look of disbelief.

"Ugh, of all the people in the world I really thought you would be the one to figure out that I had a book called _100 Ways to Annoy the Akatsuki_. Which, by the way, has been stolen by none other than Tobi! Well, I think it's Tobi. . ."

The brain cells in Sasori's head were working faster than ever and he finally put everything together. "You- You- Oh, God, that was how you were annoying me, wasn't it?!" he practically screamed.

Deidara put his hands up in the air in some sort of piece offering. "Chill, honestly, what is it with people dying over this?" he asked to no one in particular. He shrugged, "Well, yeah. Duh." He rolled his eyes. "What else did you think?"

Sasori twitched. Freaking hell, he was annoyed! "I never thought I could hate anyone more than- than- than- You know what?! I hate you so much I don't hate anyone else!" He stormed off.

Deidara blinked, _What the hell crawled up his ass in the morning?_

...

_8. Announce EVERYTHING he does. _

The next morning, Sasori went to the Leader's office and knocked on the door, feeling rather annoyed that he had no idea what the hell had been going on and the fact that Deidara knew and the guy wasn't even bothered by it! Talk about being immune to annoyance.

"Come in," a voice said from inside, making Sasori nearly jump. "Yes, Sasori, what do you want?" Pein asked, when Sasori went inside and sat down on one of the chairs, the fact that he's a puppet be damned.

"Right, OK," he said, acting all professional so he could get his point across. "Why the hell wasn't I told about Deidara's book and why the hell does he know that everybody's annoying and not even bothered by it and why-"

"Whoa, whoa, wait," Pein said, "he knows and he's not doing anything about it?"

Sasori shrugged, totally annoying the Leader in the process. (My, a lot of people were getting annoying these days.) "Well, according to Tobi's broken limp, there's a likliness that he was injured by Deidara. But other than that-"

Pein stopped him, "Are we that obvious? I thought only doing one each day would make it less suspicious. Mostly like that each member is trying to get revenge." He frowned. "I suppose we should have switched the order around as well."

"Well, duh," Sasori said, rolling his puppet eyes.

Pein frowned and looked around. Where was Konan when he needed her? He nodded in Sasori's direction. "OK, you're dismissed."

When the puppet left, Pein fell back on his chair and sighed. _Everything always depends on me, doesn't it? Ugh. . . _

...

"Today Deidara is going towards the kitchen very, very slowly and then looked at me with raised eyebrows that just screams "What the fuck are you doing?" but, of course, Ignore him and watch him spread marmalade on a piece of bread and get a glass of juice out of the fridge and pour it into a glass and then- Oh, sorry, Deidara has now-"

"What the hell are you doing, Leader-sama!?"

"-turned around to face me and is not drinking from his class anymore. In fact, he has cracked the glass with his super ninja powers and is looking at me with an annoyed look on his face. And now he has turned around to ignore me completely and has-"

"Leader!" Deidara screamed when he couldn't stand that everyone had come from the living room to watch what he was doing anymore.

"now screamed "Leader!" because he cannot stand that everyone is watching him with an amused look on their faces. And now he's just brushed past me and is walking up the stairs. But, however, in his hurry to get upstairs he has fallen down the stares and ended up on his back. Now everyone is moving towards him and Deidara looks like he wants to kill me-"

"I'll kill you, Leader-sama!"

"-hence the fact that he just said "I'll kill you, Leader-sama!" and has this really angry and annoyed expression on his face. But that is it for today, sorry, folks (aka noisy brats that can't mind their own business) since Deidara has gone upstairs, successfully this time, thank God."

...

When Deidara reached his room, he vowed to get his own back on the Akatsuki. _First with the Leader, _he thought, _and then the rest of them. _What he didn't know was that he'd never get the time, since he'd be too busy trying to not get annoyed at their attempts to annoy him.

...

_9. 'Accidentally' bump into him and say, "I'm terribly sorry, MISS." _

"I still don't know why this offends him. I'm pretty sure the only reason he even remotely looks girly is because of his hair." Zetsu frowned. "And Itachi and both Kakuzu have long hair. The latter having longer hair than Deidara. . ."

"_Yes, but,_" his other side said, "_think how flustered he'd get and wonder how annoyed he'd get it!_"

Yes, people, here Zetsu was, talking to himself. Well, his other self, his split personality. See, this was why Zetsu was weird. Despite the fact that he didn't talk to himself in public, he did still talk to himself and that was why you had to be careful about a bipolar.

Zetsu's nicer side came out and he sighed. "The guy probably won't get annoyed anyway. When he goes shopping, most people would bump into him and mistake him for a lady, anyway. Probably for used to it and wrong the annoyee a long time ago."

"_Or not_," his darker side said, "s_ome people just don't get used to stuff and it hits them like a physical blow each time they go through the moment._" He wiped a fake tear with a scary grin. "_It really is rather tragic, don't you think so?_"

"Yes, I suppose."

...

When Deidara had gone shopping for some new clothes, he really hadn't expected Zetsu to be there and nearly scare the living daylights out of him.

"ARGHHHH!" he screamed, making all his bags fall to the floor, while he tried hard not to fall himself.

"Oh, terribly sorry, Miss," Zetsu tried to apologize.

Deidara glared at his direction and wondered if there was a bulge on his forehead to show extreme irritation. "I am not, in any way, a female! Zetsu, you should know better than this! You've known me for, like, ever!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he tried again, failing dramatically.

Deidara glared again. He picked up his bags off the floor and made his way towards the outside car-park. "Well," he said, obviously talking to Zetsu behind his back, "if you won't be more sincere I'll just ignore you for the rest of my life! Good day!"

The last thing Zetsu thought before he went back to the Akatsuki base was: _I hope Leader is happy. I have no idea what he is planning when he asked the rest of us to do our ones as fast as possible. . ._

...

_10. Ask if he's in love with Sasori, when he says no, ask if he's in love with Itachi. _

"I still don't fucking understand why the fuck I have to even me included in this shit," Hidan said, frowning. "It would be much fucking better if I was just to go to the bar and chill while you guys got fucking blown up. I've fucking been there. Done fucking that."

"Well," Kakuzu started, "if we all do it together and if he attacks, the we'll be able to defend ourselves much easily and it's obvious that we'll win with Leader and Itachi on out side." He frowned. "Oh, me as well. And then all the little people."

"Who the fuck are you calling little people?!" Hidan said, shaping his fist into a ball. "I'll have you fucking know that I'm very, very fucking sexy!"

Kakuzu looked at him dryly and supressed the urge to laugh at his work-partner. "Idiot." He hit the guy on the head. "That wasn't what I meant. I meant in physical strength-"

"Duh," Hidan rolled his eyes. "That's what I meant, obviously. Everyone knows that physical strength comes from a person's sexiness." He rolled his eyes again. "Honestly, I thought everybody knew that."

Kakuzu stared at him again, before shaking his head in disbelief. "Oh, Hidan, I don't even know anymore. . ."

"A-hem," Pein said, when the two idiots finished their little conversation. "If you two have finished your little conversation, we are here to quietly wait for Deidara so we can ignore him and get this over and done with - that being the saying throughout the last week and few days."

At that moment Deidara came in, humming, "Hmm, hmm, hmm-"

"Tobi wants to know if Deidara-sempei is in love with Sasori-san!" Tobi said, cutting to the chase straight away.

"No, I don't." Forceful. Aggressive. Amused. Knowing. Wait, wait . . . what? Amused? Knowing?

"Is Deidara-sempei sure?!" he continued asking. The rest of the Akatsuki just decided to sit back and let Tobi to all the talking, therefore securing the idiot's death.

"Yes." Irritated. Still aggressive. Still amused. Still knowing. Wait, wait . . . what? Still amused? Still knowing?

"Hmm, is Deidara-sempei in love with Itachi then?"

"Hmm, let me think about that-"

"Does that mean Deidara-sempei is?!"

"No, idiot! It was sarcasm! The answer is a no!"

"Is Deidara-sempei sure he is not lying?!"

"Yes." Annoyed. Aggressive. Not amused anymore. But still knowing. "Bye!" he said, waving his hand and hoping they'll just leave him alone after this. After all, this was the last annoyee, right?

...

"You know," Kisame said, "I'm really not sure a pink flower is going to a good forgiveness gift. . ."

"Be quite," the Leader said, "he didn't give us any forgiveness gifts and since we're kind enough to give him anything, I think he will be grateful." He frowned as if unsure. Putting all his doubt away he knocked on the door.

...

When the rest of the Akatsuki began walking away from Deidara's door after Pein literally shoved the pink flower at the bomber's face, the one thing they could hear, above all else was "I DON'T WANT A FREAKING PINK FLOWER!"

...

_- Fin -_

...

Hence the pink flower in the cover-art. Lame ending, I know, but I tried. Don't forget to review!


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